TTC whilst unemployed & job hunting? Long, sorry!

[DillyDaff]

Name changed

My DP and I are TTC despite him currently being on minimum wage and me being unemployed. I am in my early thirties and need to have fertility treatment for a pre-existing condition in order to conceive. For my particular condition I have been told it's pretty much now or never, otherwise even though I desperately want a baby I'd be waiting until we were a little more secure.

I come from a very poor background, worked my way up to a 'good' job in my late twenties earning a decent salary and then had my life turned upside down by redundancy whilst working overseas in the global meltdown of 2008/09. I rejected consumerism and the need for status derived from material possessions, became more interested in sustainability & the environment and ended up volunteering in West Africa. All very noble I'm sure, and whilst it has been a brilliant and enriching experience, I am now feeling like a bit of an idiot as I have no savings left and no financial security. D'oh! We currently live in a room in a shared house (a very nice house though!) and are saving up to rent a place of our own.

I met my partner about 18 months ago, he's a few years younger than me and we've been in a relationship for 14 months but have lived together since day one. We volunteered in Africa together and came back to the UK a few months ago. He's got experience as a craftsman, but has been unable to find work in his particular field so is working a minimum wage job at the moment. He's applied to do a 'proper' course starting this Sep - it costs 3000 pounds which he'll take out a career development loan for, but after it he can become a 'master' in his field, earn a decent wage and eventually start his own business. So hopefully our long-term future is secure...

I am currently unemployed, doing the odd bit of freelance work, plenty of volunteering and job hunting like mad, but it's like a race to get in somewhere before I start the treatment so that I can get MP. Needless to say I am not mentioning TTC to any potential employer! I feel this is devious but don't see what else I could do? At the moment, I also have absolutely no intention of returning to work for the first couple of years.

Our first consultation at the fertility clinic is tomorrow, but needless to say I'm not expecting the treatment to actually start for a few months. So, AIBU in TTC whilst completely and utterly skint, knowing that we will remain skint for a good couple of years? How expensive are babies??!! I will be relying on the goodwill and generosity of others, in terms of hand-me-downs and cast offs. I might be relying on the state to provide benefits. My family have no money so I will get nothing but love & emotional support from them :). My DP's family also have no money. However, at the risk of sounding cheesy my heart is already overflowing with love for our child... Does it matter that my purse is empty? Or do I need a reality check?!

Good luck OP, I don't think YABU at all. Probably a little naive, but you know that yourself. Weren't we all BC?

That sounds great, OP. Good luck with everything!

Good luck, OP- at least you are considering the moral aspects of what you're planning, and lots of people wouldn't give a hoot about it.

I hope it works out for you.

No you shouldn't have a baby. You can't afford one. Sorry but you made choices and they contributed to the position you are in now. We can't all have everything we want and you can't afford a baby at this point. People should never actively pursue having children that they cannot afford IMO.

Thanks for sharing your thoughtful response OP. Good luck ttc and let us know how it goes

I think you are lucky that you have always enjoyed working, I hope you continue to enjoy it when you are doing it for money, not love!

Update - I've found this really good website called Money for Mums which is really helpful. Just thought I'd share it incase there's anyone else reading this is in a similar situation of wondering how they can afford to have a baby.

I'm still trying to find a way I can be a SAHM for a couple of years and am prepared to accept a lower standard of living in order to do so. However, I am also coming to terms with the fact that this might not be possible and if not, what kind of work / childcare arrangements are there that suit us as a family.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day everyone! x

I think YANBU in your particular circumstances. Most people wouldn't relish the thought of starting a family while living in a room in a shared house, but in your situation it seems more 'now or never' so why not go for it? I think you're being a little naive about the prospect of possibly having several years off work though- in your situation I would be looking to remain in employment. If your household income is low you get loads of financial help towards childcare these days. And more importantly, its about investing in the future. You are already in a position of having to play 'catch up' after your redundancy, so I would be thinking about how to keep yourself employable. Its not so much about babies costing loads, because they don't, you can manage fine on hand me downs (until they're quite a lot older and reject them!!) - it's more about keeping yourself in the market.

Good luck - it will all be do-able if you are realistic and prepared to work hard at building a future

Ps having read in more detail, I really think its out of order if you are intending to just try to find a job to get the maternity pay.
Come on, play fair- you cant take the line that you reject consumerism but then happily sit back and take the advantages of others' hard work!

You clearly aren't stupid, and you don't seem as though you're intentionally trying to screw the system, but you're being a little naive here. In your situation you should carry on ttc because you already have a medical condition which puts you at a disadvantage. But that aside, you're no different to anyone else- the reality these days is most parents have to work, be that full time, part time, evenings to fit around partner....

You say you have volunteered in Africa... In which case you know first hand that real poverty is what exists in third world countries - what we have here is riches in comparison, so please don't abuse the system.

I had DS in far less than ideal circumstances, although it wasn't planned in my case. We flat shared until DH (now ex) left us and DS and I had to return to the UK. It was never a big deal for us, TBH, while DS was small. We would have kept a cot in our room anyway for the first few months, and in the end, DS co-slept with us.

Babies don't really need much, certainly a lot less than marking lets on. If you BF the food is free. There are loads of cheap hand-me-down clothes in the charity shops as they grow out of stuff so quickly. Also, often many people will buy new born clothing as a congratulation present.

The other indispensible for me was a pram, as I suffered back problems I couldn't cope with carrying/slings, and of course, a car seat. I have seen lots of parents in Totnes improvising slings out of sheets, I don't know how they do it, but perhaps someone can show you.

The biggest outlay will be nappies, whether you chose disposables or cloth ones. I did a mixture of the two. At one point we were so poor I was washing cloth nappies by hand because our washing machine broke down! It wasn't pleasant, but we managed. Luckily in Spain stuff dries quickly, so you will have to bear that in mind too-tumble dryers are very expensive to run, so buying disposible nappies could end up cheaper, especially initially.

Basically, apart from nappies, clothing, car seat (if needed) and a pram and/or sling, a thermometre and some nappy rash cream, you do not need anything for a baby. They are only expensive if you insist on buying al the latest gear and loads of silly toys they don't need.

My point was, no, yadnbu. If time is running out, go for it. It's not like you are planning to live off of benefits long-term. However, I (parcially) second what violethill posted, you should go back to work at least after the first year, if not before.

Go for it. Dont leave it too long, you probably will want a second to be a sibling for the first, so do it now.

Out story is probably the reverse of yours.

We are currently on reasonsable incomes, no debts, moderate savings (but high livng costs). However, with me pregnant and going on leave (I also want to stay at home for 2-3 years and have a second baby during that time) we will be 'forced' to leave the expensive area that we live in for DH's work (due to the high living costs and losing my salary) when our baby is just a couple of months old.

Instead of relocating to a cheaper area and adding on more commuting time to an already long working day for DH we have also decided it is better to leave the UK altogether considering the job/financial system here and relocate to another country with a lower cost of living.

It does leave us in very unpredictable situation, particularly considering that DH's industy is quite small. So initially he will either get any (most likely low paying) job or we will both get jobs and split night/day shifts between us so that someone will be at home for the baby. Hopefully he will be able to find a job in his field shortly after. Once I am free to go back to work fulltime we will relax a little, as there is plenty of work for me (although not very well paid) but for the next couple of years things will be quite uncertain for us.

I do find it ironic that we will basically be going from being higher rate tax payers to the working poor within a few months, all through choice, but in all honesty that is the best situation for our family's quality of life so that is what we'll do.

We have budgeted for the baby's essential purchases and there are lots of good deals out there. I am not too keen on buying second hand so we will be getting everything new but I have found great deals on the internet. Friends have also given my maternity clothes and baby clothes. Stay away from catalogues and baby shops and only think about the basics that you will need.