TTC whilst unemployed & job hunting? Long, sorry!

[DillyDaff]

Name changed

My DP and I are TTC despite him currently being on minimum wage and me being unemployed. I am in my early thirties and need to have fertility treatment for a pre-existing condition in order to conceive. For my particular condition I have been told it's pretty much now or never, otherwise even though I desperately want a baby I'd be waiting until we were a little more secure.

I come from a very poor background, worked my way up to a 'good' job in my late twenties earning a decent salary and then had my life turned upside down by redundancy whilst working overseas in the global meltdown of 2008/09. I rejected consumerism and the need for status derived from material possessions, became more interested in sustainability & the environment and ended up volunteering in West Africa. All very noble I'm sure, and whilst it has been a brilliant and enriching experience, I am now feeling like a bit of an idiot as I have no savings left and no financial security. D'oh! We currently live in a room in a shared house (a very nice house though!) and are saving up to rent a place of our own.

I met my partner about 18 months ago, he's a few years younger than me and we've been in a relationship for 14 months but have lived together since day one. We volunteered in Africa together and came back to the UK a few months ago. He's got experience as a craftsman, but has been unable to find work in his particular field so is working a minimum wage job at the moment. He's applied to do a 'proper' course starting this Sep - it costs 3000 pounds which he'll take out a career development loan for, but after it he can become a 'master' in his field, earn a decent wage and eventually start his own business. So hopefully our long-term future is secure...

I am currently unemployed, doing the odd bit of freelance work, plenty of volunteering and job hunting like mad, but it's like a race to get in somewhere before I start the treatment so that I can get MP. Needless to say I am not mentioning TTC to any potential employer! I feel this is devious but don't see what else I could do? At the moment, I also have absolutely no intention of returning to work for the first couple of years.

Our first consultation at the fertility clinic is tomorrow, but needless to say I'm not expecting the treatment to actually start for a few months. So, AIBU in TTC whilst completely and utterly skint, knowing that we will remain skint for a good couple of years? How expensive are babies??!! I will be relying on the goodwill and generosity of others, in terms of hand-me-downs and cast offs. I might be relying on the state to provide benefits. My family have no money so I will get nothing but love & emotional support from them :). My DP's family also have no money. However, at the risk of sounding cheesy my heart is already overflowing with love for our child... Does it matter that my purse is empty? Or do I need a reality check?!

You're = you. Bloody iPod

Why are you even asking OP? You're going to go through with it anyway, be a SAHM, and let the taxpayer pay for the lot.

YABU to take the piss, but its the taxpayers fault for letting you.

Anyone who has a baby knowing they can't financially support it is out of order imo.

Excuses like voluntry work and recession don't make it ok.

OP we pay a bloody bomb in tax and your welcome to it until you get on your feet honey.

Three people sitting in a tearoom

Banker. factory worker and a sah single mum.

Waitress puts a plate of 12 biscuits on the table

Banker takes 11 leans over to factory worker and whispers 'watch that bloody scrounger I think shes after your biscuit'

I doubt there will be a whole lot of 'get on your feet honey' going on beesimo.

I think the joke starts 'Banker. factory worker and ten sah single mums'.

Thats about the ratio nowadays.

Go for it. I doubt many people have had a kid at the perfect time. I certainly didn't..known my partner 6 weeks and was still living at home with my mum (well one of the many times I had bounced back between travelling/studying/TA episodes) It has all worked out fine. I think if you are a person with their head screwed on and sounds like you have achieved a lot in life already and so have some get up and go to do what's best for you and hopefully your family in the future. Good luck. xx

Op stated that her partner will be working = paying tax too !!!!

It is the way the system works in the UK ,good job too ~you would be shocked at what I have witnessed here in the US .

The Daily Mail would have us believe that most people don't pay tax ,and live off benefits -crap !
The OP is in a classic position of needing help at a point in her life ~a bit :)

In the first paragraph she indicated she once had a well paying job ,guess that means she has 'done her bit ' with the taxes right ?

No.

She cant afford to bring up a child without taxpayer money. She will be finding work purely for maternity pay, thus putting some employer in a bad position for her own ends while she strings it out as long as she can before telling them shes not going back.

Pretty dishonest behaviour, as the OP admits. Shes given up 'consumerism' (read - working) and has returned to the UK where the welfare system is going to be played to bring up any kids.

Far to much 'understanding' given on MN for this kind of shit TBH.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I've heard so many times about how if you wait for the right time it'll never come...

room - My DP points out it'll be a year at least before the baby's here (fingers crossed the treatment works) and how much we'll have turned things around by then.

Yep I agree 14 months is a short time to have been together to be TTC, but we're certain we want to do it.

I will ask tomorrow about how urgent is it that I have the treatment now - but I've always been told I need to have the treatment by the age I'll be in a couple of months, and this has been reiterated by every doctor I've ever seen. So I don't think I can afford to buy any more time unfortunately.

ccpccp - I'm pleased to be able to reassure you that your doubts are unfounded :)

I have no worries about the long term future. Hopefully my DP would be earning enough money for me to do a post-grad and I can then re-enter the workforce in a more specialised capacity. I can earn good money; if I can't do it in this country then I would go overseas. It's just the first couple of years that I'm really worried about.

I most certainly have not given up 'working'!!! Now that I do take offence at!! Work is the most important thing in my life - what I 'do' with my life is the most important thing to me. By giving up 'consumerism' I have given up the idea that my value to society is determined by how much I consume. My value is determined by my actions; the way I treat other human beings; how I contribute to society too make it a better place. Having a baby is part of that and I consider motherhood to be the most challenging and important job of all.

Get a job

I don't like the idea of you getting a job just so that you can get maternity pay and then not going back to it, that seems like a shitty thing to do. However, i am sure plenty of women do it Also, you say that your partner will become a student in September - so you wil have even less money then as he won't be able to work full time anymore?

Not sure what to suggest though, could your partner start up his own business in his craft, whatever that is?!

I think your chance to have a child is far more important right now, you may need some support as in benefits to begin with but i don't doubt you would go on to put back into the economy, lifes too short to sweat the small stuff xxx

Wanksock - Yeah I hate the idea too. See my rant above about how important work is to me, getting a job just for the MP pretty much contradicts all my values!! I want to get a job with a big company who won't be effected by me going on MP.

My DP's course will be one day a week.

NO you are not!

Have your children and enjoy them. Do not let any one tell you are being unreasonable. You are not. Not at all.

Im sorry but you more or less had my support until the 'I dont want a baby for someone else to look after' chestnut. In life we have to make sacrifices, to support our children emotionally and financially. If you cant afford a child yes you may have to work, work shifts around your other half if necessary. Women the world over do it, you want a baby, you arent well off, beggars cant be choosers you have to do things in life that you'd rather not to have the bigger and better things you want (i.e a child)

Sorry OP, you sound lovely but naive. You say

' I'd just assumed I could stay home somehow for the first couple of years. Am I being ridiculously naive??!! '

Erm the vast majority of women who work outside the home do so for financial reasons, not the love of work.

Your question is turning more into a fantasy which only benefits will solve. Fine, I'm not a benefits basher, but be aware that's what you're asking.

I'm not an everyone has a right to a baby type, however I wod never tell you that you shod not even try. Yes the first years are going to be tough, it could even be the case dp had finished his course before you give birth.

Go for it.

I don't think you can have everything you want, which seems to be:
Baby
House
Staying at home with baby
DP doing a college course
You doing a postgrad course

In my opinion you need a flat/house to have a secure environment for the baby. So it sounds like you are going to have to either give up on the idea of DP going to do this course in the next couple of years, or you are both going to have to work and sort out childcare between you as much as possible. Or, you delay having treatment for a year or two until you can afford to have more.

I don't see how you can have it all. And please be aware - unless you are on a very low income tax credits are being drastically cut in the next 2 years. Unless you are on income related benefits - JSA or IS etc, then you can't rely on getting much at all. You cannot rely on it because it may not be there.

If it's 'now or never' and it's not acceptable to you to never give birth, then your only choice really is to go for it and hope that things will work out somehow. People do usually manage in these situations, though it may be difficult.

Though if you're so passionate about the environment/sustainability etc I'm surprised you're not considering the child-free lifestyle?

In your shoes, I would go for it, but accept that being a SAHM may be unrealistic. I got pregnant (on purpose!) while both I and my then boyfriend were doing postgraduate degrees and neither of us had a job. I then got a good job while pregnant, but because I had only worked for them for a couple of months, I wasn't entitled to any maternity pay. Didn't get any SMP either, as I had been studying outside the UK. I never claimed any benefits, but my parents did help out a bit. I had a very short, unpaid maternity leave.

I agree with vj32 that if you have this baby, both you and your DP will probably have to defer your education plans for a bit. There is very little funding for postgrad studies.

OP, ignore people like ccpccp, they struggle to show empathy because it's a human attribute that toryborgs aren't programmed with.

Like Beesimo, I've also paid shed loads of tax over the years, and I'm very happy for some of it to go towards helping you and your DP start life as a family. It's now or never for you, if you don't go ahead you'll regret if for the rest of your life. Good luck with ttc!

I was the one that mentioned working after the baby was born. You mentioned in one of your posts that you had done a good career job before, and my thoughts were that it may be better for you to be the main wage-earner, not your partner as he's on a minimum wage job and planning on being a student. I am fully supportive of people just getting on and having babies, you can't wait for the ideal time, but equally taking responsibility for that, and that might mean you going and getting a job youself/him doing childcare, getting childcare and doing your well-paid job even if you don't like it, doing nights so you don't need childcare and so on.

If what you are saying is you'd like to have a baby and for the state to pay for you to stay home and your partner be a student too, I'm a bit hmmmm about this.

Some brilliant comments - thanks!

I've typed a really long reply on my phone and it won't let me copy it across - argh

Just to reiterate now though that my DP's course would be one day a week. If I did do a post-grad it wouldn't be for years anyway, until our child was in school and we could afford the fees. Probably more a case of wishful thinking!

Will try to get my full reply copied over now...

Reading back I do sound quite naïve and living in a bit of fantasy. That's why I needed to post on here! The thing is I was diagnosed when I was quite young and over the years I'd got my head round never having children. Hence why I didn't feel the need to save and get settled somewhere. I loved going where the wind took me, jumping at opportunities to volunteer and work abroad because I had no responsibilities. I definitely lived life to the full! However, when in Africa there was a baby in our compound and the more time I spent with her the more this feeling grew inside me. Something clicked and all the maternal feelings I'd subdued have come rushing back.

To say it's a fantasy is right, because I'd never dreamed it could happen for me. I guess I've just focused on the 'having a baby' part and sort of forgotten about the fact that life goes on after you've given birth - iykwim. I've been feeling anxious because I knew this was unrealistic. Having a baby has become such a big deal though, I couldn't imagine working after having one. However, I seriously appreciate the reality check... Sorry if I caused any offence by implying all mums who work do so because they want to, not because they have to. I know that isn't the case.

I have changed the way I am thinking about my job search. Instead of focusing on getting a job, any job for the MP, I am now looking more for a role I could go back to part-time at some point. I'm sure this sounds so obvious to you all but I'd got a bit lost in the 'I want a baby' fog!!

All that was written before I went to hosp this morn. I've just got out the hosp and as expected the treatment, assuming funding is agreed etc, will start around July. Suddenly it all feels a lot more manageable! There's time to find a place to live and a job.

It will still be a struggle to start, but I feel a lot more prepared. Thanks again for the reality check :)

I would definitely consider both of us working & sharing childcare somehow.

Sorry I'm typing this separate to the thread so can't see who said what - but someone said they were surprised I wasn't considering remaining childfree because of my interest in sustainability. Good point, and originally I had intended to remain childfree. I have squared it in my mind by knowing I will only ever have 1 and by the argument that if everybody who cared about the environment etc didn't have children then the next generation will be brought up solely by those who don't care! Of course I am paraphrasing, I know it's not that black & white or simple, but you get the idea.