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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel as though i must be a really bad person?

39 replies

hubbard86 · 30/03/2011 00:30

this is a bit of a vent.
My father died nov 09 from stomach cancer. His wife showed up at my front door today saying she wanted to ask me some questions regarding my dad to help her move on. I mentioned it was ds1 dinnertime but she just went and sat in the front room. I left my ds and oh in the dining room and took dd into the front room with me as she is 4wks and was grumbling. From the moment i sat down i wanted her to leave. Her first question was why did i never visit my dad while he was sick? As i had to ring her first and each time was told it was inconvenient, when i just showed up on numerous occasions found him alone upstairs. When i offered to help it got thrown back in my face unless it was financially.
But she would not listen to a word i said this afternoon and continued to destroy my memories of my dad whom i adored and thought of as one of my best friends.
She then moved on to say my dad thought i was useless, fat and lazy. I was the worst of my sisters (1 sister in prison & 1 has 3 children 2 are in care)( I'm a sahm with a levels and worked from 16 until i had ds who is 2 (am now 25)) and i was no better than a whore.
By this time i am physically shaking and telling her to leave. What kind of person tells the daughter of her husband these things?? I would never ruin someones memory and to call me a whore in front of my son does not feel like someone who is following a therapists advice. Her final words as she walked out the door was that i hastened my dads death. To which point my heart broke. I know she and i have never got on but to sink that low has made me feel i must really be a bad person and i really don't deserve to be happy.
I used to be a rebel without a cause, but i settled down and got engaged at 21. When i fell pregnant with ds my dad was overjoyed, as we had built a lot of bridges and mended our relationship.
I really don't understand what i've done thats so wrong. I wish he were here now everyday. I don't want to believe what she said but what if my dad really did hate me? I must really be a bad person.

OP posts:

TheVisitor · 30/03/2011 00:33

She sounds nuts, to be honest. She also sounds very, very bitter that your dad loved you more than he loved her. She's wrong in everything she's said, and if you believe her, she'll achieve what she's set out to do, and that's mess with your head.

sunshineandbooks · 30/03/2011 00:38

Oh no! You're not a horrible person at all. Her behaviour is extremely nasty and upsetting.

Sadly, if she wants to scapegoat you, she will, even if it's all lies. You'll never know what's going on in her head and don't waste energy trying to find out. All you can do is find a way to ignore it or prevent it from hurting you. Just keep telling yourself it's all lies and your dad loved you whenever you feel doubt.

Original poster

hubbard86 · 30/03/2011 00:47

i know i should not let it hurt me, but after a very traumatic birth and dd having a few medical problems i have had about as much as i can take. I am really struggling to understand why she feels this way.

OP posts:

Stac2011 · 30/03/2011 00:48

what a horrible woman! Please dont listen to her. You have your memories and i doubt your dad would want them tarnished by her poison. I assume you and step mum didnt get on well? She sounds jealous.

laInfanta · 30/03/2011 01:04

If she had turned up at my house, she would have been very lucky not to get a slap tbh

Original poster

hubbard86 · 30/03/2011 01:16

she is the type of person who would report me to the police or ss as she works also for ss (elderly dept) but only as a paper pusher (not allowed to deal with people) for any type of threatening behaviour towards her. I'm feeling like my worlds been ripped apart and i don't know what to do. Can't sleep as it's spinning round and round in my head. Why did i have to have an evil step mother??

OP posts:

ifitsnotanarse · 30/03/2011 01:56

Honestly, the mind boggles. What a horrible, horrible, mean-minded, nasty, vile woman. As TheVistor says, she must know that your father loved you more than her. You don't need such a poisonous person in your life. You now have your own lovely little family to take care of and love.

andenuvathing · 30/03/2011 02:18

I think the reason you "struggle to understand" is, frankly, because YOU would never sink to such depth of self serving, manipulative, hurtful, dishonest behavior.

Ignore her.

a "step" way too far eh!?

CheerfulYank · 30/03/2011 02:25

What a wretched, awful woman! How dare she! What could she possibly hope to gain from such a thing?

I'm sure your dad loved you and was proud of you. Just repeat that to yourself. "Dad loved me and was proud of me." He did and he was, I know it and in your heart of hearts I'm sure you do too, you poor darling.

confuddledDOTcom · 30/03/2011 02:28

Too awful for words, I'm so sorry she put you through this :(

If ever you find yourself questioning if it was just her or whether your dad felt that way, imagine yourself saying it to one of your children. If the thought fills you with horror and dread then you know your dad wouldn't want to do that to you either.

MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2011 04:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 30/03/2011 04:28

What a wicked woman. Hubbard, I am so sorry this woman invaded your home and tried to destroy your loving memory of your father. The words she said to you are unforgiveable imo.

Do you have any reason to be in contact with her again - any half or step siblings for example? If not then I suggest you cut her out of your life totally.

It sounds like your Dad and you loved each other very, very much and that he was very proud of you. Please, hold his memory dear and try not to let this wicked woman's horrid words penetrate the love and respect you have for your father.

Congratulations on DD.

Tee2072 · 30/03/2011 06:41

I know it's really easy to say and hard to do, but try to forget.

She's a bitter, sad, possibly mentally unstable person who was jealous of your dad's relationship with you. The only way she could make herself feel better was to rip you to shreds.

Have a good cry, shake yourself off and get on with life. And never let her in your house again.

beesimo · 30/03/2011 06:58

I would say that she is a evil destructive person who will no doubt end HER days in a empty room arguing with the wallpaper. Don't let your feelings or views of your shared past with your dad be coloured by her she is like a horrible slug leaving a trail of slime wherever she has been.

You don't have to have anything to do with her now dad has gone. You can have a lovely future with your own little family. Get your nicest pic of your Dad framed and keep a little vase of flowers or a candle next to it, and when you feel sad look over at your Dad and recall a happy time you had. together.

Sweetpea215 · 30/03/2011 07:04

I know that grief does funny things to people....but really this is unbelievable.

Perhaps she is trying to pass her own guilt onto you...

She's her own worse enemy and will alienate herself.

You hold on to all the precious memories you have of your Dad...write them down if you need to and then read them all back any time you are having doubts...and take care of yourself and your family.

I personally would not have anything else to do with this woman...before I got the apology that I deserved.

AnneTwacky · 30/03/2011 07:05

Reading what you've put and trying to be as objective as I can, it doesn't sound, to me at least, that what she's saying has come from your dad.

Who the hell would say those things to someone who'd just been bereaved, even if they really did believe them themselves.

From what you say about her keeping you away from your dad and rebutting your offers of help makes me think she might be a bit jealous of your relationship you had with your dad.

Treasure your real memories and banish her ramblings from your mind. They're not real they're just her taking her hurt out on the wrong person.

SpringFollows · 30/03/2011 07:14

Hubbard please listen to what everyone here is saying. This is the work of a nasty, vindictive woman, who is possibly severely mentally unstable, or (to be kind) deranged with grief. It does sound like she is jeaous of you and your relationship with your dad to be honest. I think beesimo's suggestion of having a lovely photo and flowers and holding your happy memories in your mind and heart.

You are not a nasty person. So, you were a difficult teenager, so what? That is what teeenagers DO! You had a great relationship with your dad, and have a wonderful new life and new family. THAT is who you are, not this twisted version your SM has decided to spew out.

Don't let that woman in your house again or near you. You deserve better than to be exposed to her bile.

FetchezLaVache · 30/03/2011 07:39

You are not a horrible person. She is. She made it as hard as she could for you to see your dad when he was dying, then tries to make out you never made the effort to come and see him! And fancy telling someone such evil shit when they have a 4 week old baby and are awash with hormones and sleep deprivation. She clearly chose her timing carefully. Awful, awful woman. Please don't give her another thought.

hairfullofsnakes · 30/03/2011 07:53

Please please please do not believe a word she says. She is a nasty, vindictive and horrible woman. Please also banish her from your life and have nothing more to do with her - please do this. Your dad would not have wanted you to be anywhere near her so don't be.

Go on in your life knowing your dad loved you and do not ever see this toxic woman again x

Pancakeflipper · 30/03/2011 07:58

You are not horrible/bad person. Deep down you know your relationship with your father. You know the ups and downs, you know you built bridges.

This woman has an agenda that is not good. She has her own issues and to drag you as a pawn into her bitter game is awful and beyond words. And the worst thing is if you went head to head in battle with her - it would be you hurt because she is trying to sully your relationship with your dad.

I would either send a bitter card saying keep away you bonkers old bat. Which is lowering myself to her level. Or I'd try really hard to stick my head up high ( after a good old sob) and tell myself I know my relationship with my father. I know what the reality was.

For some reason there are some people in this worls only happy when destroying others. Don't let her do this to you or your son. You are not horrible at all.

scaryteacher · 30/03/2011 08:15

Given the time between your dad dying (09) and now, she's been stewing for a while. You have a new baby, a husband and a future, and she doesn't. She is lashing out trying to hurt you because she can. She is also jealous because she was his wife (but not your Mum presumably) and you have memories that exclude her before she came on the scene.

She doesn't know the truth of your relationship with your Dad any more than my stepmonster knew about mine with my Dad. Ignore her, spare a pitying thought for the bile she must be feeling and ignore it. She will end up a bitter twisted and unhappy old lady.

Enjoy your little one and your husband and be happy.

Meglet · 30/03/2011 08:22

Try and ignore her. She's obviously having a meltdown and wants to take it out on someone. She sounds like the one with issues.

Keep your distance from her and enjoy your new baby.

blinder · 30/03/2011 08:38

It sounds to me like she is looking for someone to blame as a way to deal with her loss. How utterly selfish and cruel to pick you. She is likely projecting her own guilt and jealous of his love for you. Think about it, if she were a decent person there is no way she would turn up to abuse a woman who recently gave birth with the newborn in the room! You can't trust a word she said if she was prepared to do that.

Please don't pay any attention to her unhinged ranting. I'm so sad that she put those words into your mind. Get angry. Write her out of your life and put the whole thing behind you.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Original poster

hubbard86 · 30/03/2011 09:31

wow thanks everyone. After a few hours sleep i'm feeling a lot more rational. I know there is no way my dad would say those things about me. I was his first born, the child he never expected to have. He was 41 when i was born so he had kind of given up on children. I shut her out after my dads funeral, changed phone numbers etc. I have always known she was jealous and used to complain whenever my dad spent time with me. I think i am too much like my mother and in her sick twisted head thought i was a threat. I was never close to step sisters and thank god i have no half siblings. I am trying to push those things to the back of my mind and concentrate of my gorgeous family even though it has really hurt me and made me doubt my relationship with my dad from which she will never be forgiven and roll on the day i read her obit in the paper, as that day i will be dancing and singing "the wicked witch is dead"

OP posts:

ledkr · 30/03/2011 09:39

hubbard and take no notice,as others said she is literally a bitter woman,of course your dad didnt say these things at least you dont have to have anything else to do with the old trout,shame for her cos she's probably lonely too.

Much sleep last night?

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