to feel as though i must be a really bad person?

[hubbard86]

this is a bit of a vent.
My father died nov 09 from stomach cancer. His wife showed up at my front door today saying she wanted to ask me some questions regarding my dad to help her move on. I mentioned it was ds1 dinnertime but she just went and sat in the front room. I left my ds and oh in the dining room and took dd into the front room with me as she is 4wks and was grumbling. From the moment i sat down i wanted her to leave. Her first question was why did i never visit my dad while he was sick? As i had to ring her first and each time was told it was inconvenient, when i just showed up on numerous occasions found him alone upstairs. When i offered to help it got thrown back in my face unless it was financially.
But she would not listen to a word i said this afternoon and continued to destroy my memories of my dad whom i adored and thought of as one of my best friends.
She then moved on to say my dad thought i was useless, fat and lazy. I was the worst of my sisters (1 sister in prison & 1 has 3 children 2 are in care)( I'm a sahm with a levels and worked from 16 until i had ds who is 2 (am now 25)) and i was no better than a whore.
By this time i am physically shaking and telling her to leave. What kind of person tells the daughter of her husband these things?? I would never ruin someones memory and to call me a whore in front of my son does not feel like someone who is following a therapists advice. Her final words as she walked out the door was that i hastened my dads death. To which point my heart broke. I know she and i have never got on but to sink that low has made me feel i must really be a bad person and i really don't deserve to be happy.
I used to be a rebel without a cause, but i settled down and got engaged at 21. When i fell pregnant with ds my dad was overjoyed, as we had built a lot of bridges and mended our relationship.
I really don't understand what i've done thats so wrong. I wish he were here now everyday. I don't want to believe what she said but what if my dad really did hate me? I must really be a bad person.

She sounds horrible.

There are lots of kind and lovely step-parents out there, but she was clearly not one of them. Mine isn't either: she says this kind of thing too, stops me seeing my dad, throws tantrums, is weird and hostile. I really feel for you. It's the injustice of it that really stings.

not that much sleep but i'm getting used to that gradually ledkr as you will know with little d. I am trying to just let it go now and i know she is a horrible person who will eventually get her comeuppance and karma is a bitch thanks everyone for reinforcing what everyone in rl was telling me.

She is a grade A nutter, sorry you had to deal with that . She obviously just wanted to get a good last dig in as you have no ties anymore. She is the kind of person who will never be happy but you can move on from her now.

She's jealous of what you have and what you had with your df. She has picked a time when she must know you are emotionally weak (following the birth of your dd - congratulations by the way).

Ignore her - she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

She sounds like my mother to be honest, whom I stopped speaking to about six years ago now. She would regale me like this and always hide behind the "You need to hear this for your own good / my therapist told me to seek closure" school of crap.

Seriously, you will feel dreadful about this for a while. That's because you have been hurt, shocked, angered and undermined. But you will feel better, and you will be able to plan your own remembrance of your father in your own way.

Pity the woman. She needs it.

You have support here.

Take care.

I came back to check as wanted to see how you are. Glad you feel better and please don't believe anything she says and please do not doubt your father x

I bet your dad didn't say that - that woman's not right - VERY aggressive, and infront of your kids!

She sounds a bit sociopathic to me tbh.

What an awful, awful woman.

Very glad you've taken comfort from everyone's replies here and your own common sense. You had a wonderful relationship with your dad and now have your own wonderful family. Maybe one day you can fine enough distance in your heart to pity her. Until then, just ignore her and move on.

Oh, and don't ever, ever let her through your door again, cross the road if you see her, put the phone down on her and tear up any letters.

Noone needs that kind of hassle.

Big hug - and enjoy your lovely family. :)

I honestly don't get some step-parents. My stepsons are part of the man I love (not to mention my own children, my eldest is turning into her youngest brother's clone!) I look at his eldest in particular and he's so like his dad that he reminds me why I fell in love. I couldn't ever look at those boys and think bad things they are a part of some very special people.

Just put it out of your mind-I guess she knew that your Dad really loved you and she was simply jealous. Just tell yourself that he would have hated what she did. Don't see her again. Don't let her spoil your memories-she knows that she can't take them away-that is why she tried to poison them.

I hope that now you can see that everything that she said was only to hurt you, that nothing of it NOTHING is true.

You know the truth, and you KNOW she is lying. Keep reminding yourself of that.

If she ever comes near you again, call the police and have her arrested for harassment. Seriously.

Stuff the old bat. She is a LOON!

She's the CLASSIC wicked step- mama isn't she - like the one in Cinderella!! Think of her like that - a character in a book.

You have your moment one day - and natural justice always comes along in some shape or form.

Confuddled, that's a lovely post! Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your DSSs.

Thank you Fetchez, I don't get to see them that often unfortunately as we live about 120 miles away and I'm not well enough to go too often. The eldest I have a very similar (in a legal way!) relationship to as I had with his dad in the early days, a lot of banter and teasing so it's nice as it reminds me of the fun we have. The youngest I get on really well with too.

The one conversation that always stands out for me was when we were eating out once. Fish makes me sick, even the taste and smell of it, I've had a bad belly for days after accidentally eating a fish sandwhich (it was marked as chicken and I didn't even eat all of it) I can even pick out things that have fish oil added to it, so generally when I'm out with OH he's not allowed fish (he can if he plans to keep his distance for the rest of the day until he's brushed his teeth). The boys have noticed this but don't really understand what it's about and always order fish to wind me up lol. One day eldest said "I'm going to have fish to wind Confuddled up, we love winding Confuddled up" with a big grin, very playful. A bit later he said "We always play [mum's partner] up" really serious, not playful like when he was talking about me. I kept repeating him to my partner I was shocked at the difference in how they see me and how they see their stepdad.