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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel like walking out

36 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2011 20:17

I love my DC very much. They are my world but I feel like I am going to cave in any minute. I feel like I can't cope with anything else.

DS1 is constantly arguing and being rude, shouting, screaming throwing things, refusing to do anything I ask him, giving me ultimatums, blaming me for everything barr ww2 - yes I know he has aspergers but this is not an excuse surely?

DS2 is copying him. being rude to me, shouting, screaming, hitting out, throwing things at me. I don't have this from him when DS1 is at school but when he comes home DS2 behaves the same as him.

Tonight and last night have been hell for me and I just want to cry, I feel like walking out things have been that bad.

OP posts:

bigbabushkas · 29/03/2011 20:22

I know it feels bad, I just have one small DS and I have felt like walking out so can't imagine how you feel with two! Is your partner around or are you single mum? Do you have family or friends around to support?

lottiejenkins · 29/03/2011 20:23

Sending you virtual hugs LE. I'm on my own with my ds (he's home every other weekend) He has aspergers and can be extremly trying ( told me the other week F..k You A.s.hole Mummy!!) I know how trying it can be!

Nagoo · 29/03/2011 20:24

Are you on your own?

firstly, some sympathy. I have definitely had days where i go to put the bins out and then feel like I could just keep walking. Have some or ...

How old are they? I've no experience of Asperger's. what do you do to them when the are rude to you?

Can you pick 3 rules, non-negotiable break them and i'm furious rules, and write them on a big sheet, with the consequences? Your child should not be giving yo ultimatums. You are the mum, you provide the money, food, games, Tv, whatever. So you are in charge of whether they get it or not.

GypsyMoth · 29/03/2011 20:24

yes,i have this too. as soon as they come home from school youngest starts copying!!

didnt know your ds1 has aspergers TLE! he got a diagnosis then.

its hard,i know,teen years approaching and hormones everywhere. sympathies

purplepidjin · 29/03/2011 20:25

Do you have someone who can take over for an hour or two? Can you book one or both DC in for sleepovers at the weekend so you can have some peace?

I don't know what to suggest other than and online company

QueenOfProcrastination · 29/03/2011 20:39

Sounds hellish TLE. Does DS1 normally behave like this or has something changed for him recently that could he sparked this behaviour? How old is DS1? Not a parent of a child with Aspergers but have taught a few teenagers with AS and ASD so know a little about how challenging they can be. If the issues with DS1 arise because you are asking him to do something then a checklist for certain processes can help to give him some autonomy and reduce potential arguments, checklist is in family area so you can see he's checked off each stage of the process. rewards or sanctions can then be give as appropriate based on completing all items properly.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2011 20:57

I am just so worn out!!

BB I have family but they are not close enough to pop round iyswim? although they are close.

LJ How do you deal with him when he acts up?

Nagoo With DS2 who is 3 I can just tell him it is not nice and is wrong to speak to mummy that way and he instantly says sorry. With DS1 well I can tell him until I am blue in the face and he will just carry on.

ILT yes dx was 11th Feb, but they didn't offer me any support just "Tles your DS1 has aspergers" a pat on the back and off I was sent - well there wasn't a pat on the back but you know what I mean.

Purple DS1 goes to my mums every Friday and I get a break then. I know it sounds awful but DS2 on his own is no problem at all!

QoP Nothing has changed tbh he has always had lets say challenging behaviour and was diagnoses with ODD at the age of 9 and aspergers just recently at the age of 12.

I don't know how to deal with him tbh, where the behaviour is just because he is playing up or whether it is all down to the aspergers..which is making it difficult for me, especially when DS2 is seeing him act out.

The ultimatum tonight was "If you don't buy me kickers then I won't do anything you want me to, and I only play up because of you you are a rubbish mum I hate you"

5 Minutes later DS2 decided to tell me he hated me because I was watching something on tv and he wanted to watch something.

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 29/03/2011 20:59

Sorry you're having a rough time. I have no advice as only have one DS (5 months so can't cause that much trouble at the moment!). Just want to offer you lots of sympathy and .

winnybella · 29/03/2011 21:03

Well, does he ever get his own way, though, when he gives you ultimatums?

Btw, DS is 9 and an argumentative nightmare quite often, so I sympathise.

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 21:04

I don't know what to say. Sounds awful. Kids often say horrible things they don't really mean, it's useful to remember that when they say they hate you. DS does it to me when I put my foot down, and it's like a dagger to the heart, so I sympathise. Is it worth contacting social services and telling them you are struggling to cope with DS1s behaviour? I know it sounds drastic, but they might be able to offer some kind of help, respite or something.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2011 21:14

Winny, thats the whole point, he doesn't get his own way when he issues me with an ultimatum nor if he has a tantrum over something. If he did I could understand this more.

Hissy, I have been trying to contact the SW we had but tbh they shut the case and I have heard nothing since.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 29/03/2011 21:15

aspergers support groups?

there must be parent support for you surely?

family intervention worker?

lottiejenkins · 29/03/2011 21:23

I lay down firm guidelines and try not to give in. (easier said than done i know) I have a lot of support from Deaf CAMHS Have you contacted your local CAMHS?? (Child and Adult Mental Health Service)??

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 21:25

Keep pestering them. They will talk to you eventually just to get rid of you. They are short on resources, so it is always those who shout the loudest who get the help.

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 21:27

What is DS1's school like? Are they supportive? If you and the school show a united front to the SW you might get more done.

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 21:29

Same goes for CAMHS, utterly under resourced, underfunded and undermanned. You must keep pestering them. Politely, but firmly.

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 21:31

Sorry to go on, and your GP? Can you go to him/her if you aren't coping? They might be able to back you up when you talk to SS, ie you aren't coping well emotionally, need support etc...

squidgy12 · 29/03/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2011 22:05

Sorry for delay DS2 is wide awake for some reason grrrr

CAMHS called me the other day to tell me they were closing the file as well. So I really feel isolated.

DS1's school - well what can I say I attend so many appts where they tell me he is capable but doesn't help himself as he clams up in lessons like french and maths (although he has taken his gcse maths already apparently), that he follows what other children do - an example is he has made one "good friend" who happens to be a not so nice child by all accounts, and this boy is a bit of a bully, so although DS1 doesn't bully anyone he does stand and laugh when they other boy does. I have asked the school to move DS1 to the other house but they won't as he is (in there words) "the top student we have had for a long time and he will bring the house back up with the work he produces"

OP posts:

marmaladetwatkins · 29/03/2011 22:08

Oh no. I remember your thread some weeks back when your DS called you a not-nice-at-all name. So things have got worse...

I think you need some time away, by yourself. For your sanity. Things look so much worse when you're in the thick of it. Get some time to clear your head. Do you have a no-nonsense relative they could stay with for a weekend?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2011 22:13

I wish I could Marmalade
but nobody will have DS2 and thats my fault as he is a mummys boy

OP posts:

marmaladetwatkins · 29/03/2011 22:17

At the risk of sounding hard-hearted, he will have to be without you, at some point in his life. If you need to do a hospital stay/emergency overnighters/whatever. You are at breaking point and you need time out. Your DS will not die because he is away from you for a couple of nights. Stop pandering to them and think of YOU for once.

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 22:19

Maybe it is time for a big wailing breakdown on the phone to the SW? Surely they would rather support you now, when you are able to care for your kids, than wait till you reach crisis point?

I know this is awful, but have you contemplated calling SS bluff? If it gets intolerable could you threaten to leave DS1 in care? It might make them buck their ideas up if it means a choice between supporting you and having to fund and find a foster family.

I don't know, is there a social worker in the house?

marmaladetwatkins · 29/03/2011 22:20

Sorry, that sounded harsher than I intended. It's just that my mum spent most of my brother's childhood at breaking point because he treated her like shite then manipulated her into not sending him to dad's at weekends so she never got a break. Now he is a 22 year old selfish prick with major issues.

Tough love is needed here, Lady. I know it's easier said than done though...

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 22:21

Where is DS1's father in all this BTW?

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