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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Terminally ill friend - visiting etiquette

58 replies

Scuttlebutter · 29/03/2011 20:06

I realise this is not strictly an AIBU, but I really didn't know where to put it, and am feeling pretty emotional at the moment, and not really engaging brain to normal capacity. My dear friend received her terminal diagnosis some eighteen months ago. Since then I've done what I can to help, especially as I've had cancer myself, and her family are all living away. Along the way, we've also had a lot of fun - part of the reason why we're friends is that she is always such an interesting, cheerful person to be around.

Anyway, about ten days ago, she was finally admitted to our local hospice where she is receiving wonderful care, and she is very happy. I've seen her, or phoned her or sent cards most days, though not over the weekend, since her family all came up, and I didn't want to be in their way. Also, the hospice has a strict 2 person per bed rule (which I wholeheartedly support, by the way).

I called her today, and her phone was answered by a family member, who mentioned she is now (very peacefully) sleeping/resting most of the time, and the family are all gathered. I asked about visiting and they politely (but rather reluctantly) said I could, though of course my friend might not even know I'm there.

I'm now in a real dither about visiting. Firstly, I don't want to be overloading visitor numbers. Secondly, is there any real benefit to my friend if she isn't even awake? Thirdly, I am getting the feeling that the family now have "circled the wagons" round the bedside, which as the end draws near is only to be expected. I'd feel as though I was butting in, I think. Last time I visited, another family member sat there very pointedly during my visit, which made things quite stilted, since as they live away, I've heard about them from my friend, but barely met them, and of course the conversation had to be very general to include them, rather than the nice private chat I was hoping to have with my friend.

So, any guidelines/experience/suggestions? I should stress that I think it is quite natural and right for the family to have priority now that the end is very near but I am also not wanting my friend to think I'm not there when she might need/want me, although sadly I suspect she's actually past that now. This is a really horrible situation.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 29/03/2011 20:09

Oh, God. How awful, so sorry, Scuttle.

No idea, tbh. It sounds like a really difficult situation. Can you phone and speak to a nurse, ask if your friend would be likely to realise you were there?

Terraviva · 29/03/2011 20:11

How awfully sad. I'm so sorry for you and your friend. Go visit her to say good-bye, surely she'd want you to?

(((Hugs)))

thornrose · 29/03/2011 20:12

I have no experience of this awful situation but I think I would want to say say my last goodbye to my friend. I think I would ask a member of the family if I could have just a short time alone to do that and would then leave. This is not unreasonable to me and trying to put myself in the families shoes surely would not be unreasonable to them. I know reason goes out of the window when faced with the death and but your friend would want you there.

blighter · 29/03/2011 20:13

what about going to see her and asking staff before you go to her room if there is anyone else there and if so, ask if there is ever a time when she doesn't have visitors so you could pop by then? if not, hard to say, perhaps go in and if you feel really awkward/in the way then don't go about, terribly sad situation, sorry.

Fiddledee · 29/03/2011 20:13

I would feel like I would want to say a final goodbye to my friend. Phone the nurse, see if there are any times that are quiet in terms of visitors, maybe early morning or lunch time and visit then and say your farewell. Its not just for your friend but closure for you. It is tough.

Tommy · 29/03/2011 20:13

can you go in, give her a kiss and then leave? You don't have to stay for hours do you?
Sorry you're going through this - it's very hard

purplepidjin · 29/03/2011 20:14

Morally, I think you have more right than they do to be there - you were the person who has actually been useful to her through the worst. They sound a bit like a flock of vultures circling

Unfortunately, from a courteous point of view it's tricky as they obviously feel it's a family matter.

Ask yourself: In 10 years time, which will I regret most: pissing off her family or not seeing my friend?

Northernlurker · 29/03/2011 20:14

JUst go and ask to see her briefly. The last sense to go is considered to be hearing. There is a very good chance I think that she would know you're there and will be comforted. Talk to her gently and with love as you always have and it will be ok. You have a right to be there too. So sorry you are facing this

GandTiceandaslice · 29/03/2011 20:15

Go & visit.
Explain to the staff who you are.
I'm so sorry for you. And of course your friend.

FollowMe · 29/03/2011 20:15

What a sad situation, I'm very sorry.
I think that later on you would regret not visiting in case you upset the family, more than you would regret visiting tbh.
It doesnt seem as if her family realise how close you and your friend are, how much support you've been giving her and how often you are used to visiting/keeping in touch with her.
I'd visit. Your friend may be aware of you being there on some level. You will know you were there for her right to the end and if you do ruffle some feathers of relatives, then it will only be in a minor way and will be forgotten just as quickly, so not worth putting off visiting for, which you may regret.

ajandjjmum · 29/03/2011 20:15

I'm sure that your friend would want you to feel you can pop in, as you've been around throughout her illness. Maybe if her family do seem 'protective', you could just stay for a few minutes.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time.

Icelollycraving · 29/03/2011 20:15

So sorry to hear your v sad news. Maybe just ask if they would mind you coming to say your goodbyes,I don't see how they could refuse as you have obviously been a wonderful friend. Big virtual hug x

cruelladepoppins · 29/03/2011 20:17

So sorry. Have just lost my dad to cancer.

Can you go very briefly and kiss her forehead? Just as a token of your friendship? These symbolic things mean a lot when someone is dying - even if she doesn't know you are there.

A couple who had visited and telephoned my Dad apologised to me that they would be unable to attend my Dad's funeral (sadly, they had a memorial service to attend for their close relative on the same day), and I was able to thank them for being there for him when he was alive. If your friend's family love her (and I am sure they do) then they will appreciate you being there, and having been there for her the whole time.

glassortwo · 29/03/2011 20:17

Phone the hospice and ask their opinion.

I totally understand your reluctance to impose.
But personally I think even a couple of mins at her bedside and you would feel as though you had done your duty to your friend. xxx

madhairday · 29/03/2011 20:19

I would also go and say goodbye. :( You sound like you've been a brilliant friend. So often in severe illness people become distant because they don't know how to handle it, but you have been right by her side all the way through, and she will treasure that. A last quick visit would be a way for you to say goodbye. The family would surely be Ok with that. All the best. :(

marriednotdead · 29/03/2011 20:21

What an awful dilemma

Would it be possible to ring the hospice and speak to someone who has seen you at visiting time previously? Perhaps if you explain your position, they may advise you better than the family are able.

Surely there are times during the day that none of the family can be there?
If not, they could pass a message on from you direct to your friend if she is alert enough to hear it. That way she will know you're still thinking of her.

You're obviously a very special friend, and the happy memories you have will remain long after the family have gone back to their lives. Maintaining your distance is something that shouldn't be forced on you like this, but sadly emotion (maybe guilt even) sometimes makes families selfish.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 29/03/2011 20:25

I agree about calling the hospice for advice, some of the staff will probably know of you. Is there a member of the famy you could approach and just day you would like to say goodbye?

Please go, do not let anyone put you off.

I'm so sorry about your friend, my dad passed away recently from cancer.

griphook · 29/03/2011 20:26

I'm so sorry, I really think you should go and see her, I think from what you have said she would like to see you even if she doesn't know you are there she may sense it. You don't have to stay long. x

Zondra · 29/03/2011 20:26

Everyone has given really good advice. I don't have much to add other than, go & see her.
My heart goes out to you both.

LatteLady · 29/03/2011 20:27

Having been a member of the family, you know who you will let come into visit and who you will politely say no thank you to and believe me I have had to this. You have been included with the family - you are part of the circle.

Can I suggest that you go for 10 mins - take someone with you to take you home as it will be emotional - then spend your 10 mins holding her hands and saying your goodbyes. It doesn't have to be miserable and grim, from what you have said that was never your way with your friend.

Also it is actually good for the family to have a little down time so don't feel guilty. Go as soon as you can, don't put this off, you already know that time is at a premium.

Then go and do something that you would both have enjoyed, whether it be a glass of vino or a big cream cake and a coffee.

I wish you all the strength you need to complete this journey. xxx

MyHipsHurt · 29/03/2011 20:28

Hospices are generally very good about visiting at all times of day or night. So could you possibly go either very early in the morning or very late evening and see your friend for literally just a few minutes and talk to her and say your personal goodbyes? Even if she's asleep, there's every chance she can still hear you and will feel your presence. If you did visit when the family was there, then you could explain that you are only staying for a few minutes. At this late stage it's probably best for both of you to keep it brief anyway. It sounds like your friend is nicely settled and comfortable and is in the best possible place to be in the circumstances. Sorry you're facing all of this, it's very hard.

Chaotica · 29/03/2011 20:28

I'd go. Sounds like you should say goodbye.

Some close and not so close friends of my mum's called in when she was in intensive care, and we (the family) were more than grateful they did tbh.

Tillyscoutsmum · 29/03/2011 20:28

I'm so sorry. I lost my lovely aunt last week and even though she was drifting in and out, I'd like to think she knew I was there.

FWIW, first thing in the morning seemed to be the quietest time in terms of visitors (they tended to let the rush hour traffic calm down a little and got there mid morning).

I think even if she doesn't know you are there, from a selfish point of view, you will want the opportunity to say goodbye

MsScarlett · 29/03/2011 20:28

I agree with thronrose. Politely ask for a brief visit, as even if she doesn't know you are there, you should be able to see her for your own grief, as you have been such good friends even through her illness. Perhaps begin by mentioning how dear she was to you and the reasons for this that you gave in your OP. If they are openly resistant then best not to push things as obviously this is not the time for quarrels and disputes, but hopefully they will be fair and let you see her. Very very sad. I hopethings work out and you get to say your goodbyes. x

risingstar · 29/03/2011 20:29

to be honest, if you have a compelling urge to go and maybe say a final goodbye, you should. worst case scenario is that your friend isnt awake enough to appreciate it. Her family would surely understand, she has probably mentioned you to them just as she mentioned them to you.

so sorry that you are in this situation

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