Terminally ill friend - visiting etiquette

[Scuttlebutter]

I realise this is not strictly an AIBU, but I really didn't know where to put it, and am feeling pretty emotional at the moment, and not really engaging brain to normal capacity. My dear friend received her terminal diagnosis some eighteen months ago. Since then I've done what I can to help, especially as I've had cancer myself, and her family are all living away. Along the way, we've also had a lot of fun - part of the reason why we're friends is that she is always such an interesting, cheerful person to be around.

Anyway, about ten days ago, she was finally admitted to our local hospice where she is receiving wonderful care, and she is very happy. I've seen her, or phoned her or sent cards most days, though not over the weekend, since her family all came up, and I didn't want to be in their way. Also, the hospice has a strict 2 person per bed rule (which I wholeheartedly support, by the way).

I called her today, and her phone was answered by a family member, who mentioned she is now (very peacefully) sleeping/resting most of the time, and the family are all gathered. I asked about visiting and they politely (but rather reluctantly) said I could, though of course my friend might not even know I'm there.

I'm now in a real dither about visiting. Firstly, I don't want to be overloading visitor numbers. Secondly, is there any real benefit to my friend if she isn't even awake? Thirdly, I am getting the feeling that the family now have "circled the wagons" round the bedside, which as the end draws near is only to be expected. I'd feel as though I was butting in, I think. Last time I visited, another family member sat there very pointedly during my visit, which made things quite stilted, since as they live away, I've heard about them from my friend, but barely met them, and of course the conversation had to be very general to include them, rather than the nice private chat I was hoping to have with my friend.

So, any guidelines/experience/suggestions? I should stress that I think it is quite natural and right for the family to have priority now that the end is very near but I am also not wanting my friend to think I'm not there when she might need/want me, although sadly I suspect she's actually past that now. This is a really horrible situation.

So sorry for your loss Scuttle.

So sorry for your loss Scuttle but look back on your friendship as something to treasure, it will be with you forever.

Take good care of yourself xxxxx

So sorry for your loss Scuttle, your friend sounds like an amazing woman. xx

My Mum died in a hospice.
It was very sudden and I had left for the night so she was on her own, except for the nurses!
I am at peace with the fact that I left her now as I think she waited until she was on her own.
If she had a friend who wanted to sit with her, even if she didn't know they were there. I would have welcomed her visitor. Firstly as I would know that my Mum would have wanted her friend to come say her goodbyes and secondly I would have left her and friend alone and grabbed the chance to have a break, coffee, stretch legs etc.
It is VERY stressful sitting in the hospice waiting for IT to happen so speaking from the other side I would say yes you should visit if you want to and her family should welcome you.
If you don't get the chance to say goodbye in the way you want it will "live" with you for some time.
Her family SHOULD understand!
Thinking of you x

I am so sorry that I didn't read the 2nd or 3rd page of your thread!
I was so intent on answering your post that I now feel awful that I posted without reading your sad news.
Sincere condolences to you and her family.
She had a very good friend in you!
x

Scuttle, I was just going to post, but saw the sorrows for your loss :( I too am very sorry that you have lost your dear friend.
Please do talk to her now though. I firmly believe that she can and will hear you and often you get answers too which is very special. I do this all the time with my Dear late Dad.

Do take care.

She was your friend, you were hers, and what good friends. She knows how you felt, you didn't need to sit by her bedside to say goodbye.
My condolences.

I would go , say a loving goodbye to your dear friend her family should understand which they probably do but they will all be going through a hard time themsleves and it can be hard to know what to say and do in these situations.
Youhave been a fantastic friend and have given someone the gift of happiness in tragic times , those memories will stay with you forever .
So sorry you are all having to go through this ,
you and your friend are in my prayers
take care x