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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad with Dementia - dont flame me, but its doing my head in.

32 replies

Boobalina · 29/03/2011 14:32

My near 80 year old is in a dementia care home and constantly phones me to ask when I can visit etc... then forgets he has phoned and then calls again and we have the same conversation over the next few days.

Long story short - he was a shit person to my (deceased) mum, violent, abusive middle class drunk, had affairs blah blah. He made our childhoods pretty fucking awful.

So I ended up getting him into a care home for his dementia (soley caused by lifetime of gin) and was happy to settle him in, visit weekly / fortnightly for over a year and a half.

Now, its gone down to 6 weekly as I roped in other siblings (who had all refused to visit him as they hated him too) to pick up the slack....

But I still get these bloody rambling calls from him asking to visit all the time... bearing in mind this is the man who never visited me in University, did come to my graduation, did all he could to never make any effort to visit me in the last 20 years.

It sounds terrible, but every time I see the nursing home number come up on my phone, I pray its them telling me he is dead.

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 29/03/2011 14:36

YANBU. It is hard to remain patient with people with dementia. As your dad was a PITA for most of your life, it must be 10 times more annoying.

DontGoCurly · 29/03/2011 14:36

How is he getting access to the phone?

Can he remember your number?

Can you speak to the staff and ask them to prevent him doing this?

YANBU

HecateTheCrone · 29/03/2011 14:36

It doesn't sound terrible. He sounds like a horrible man.

The fact he now has dementia doesn't turn him into a lovely man and wonderful father and is actually irrelevent.

tbh, I'd be changing my number.

He was abusive to you, make your childhood miserable and never - from what you type - was anything like a father to you. I struggle to see what you owe him or would reasonably be expected to feel for him.

Seriously. I'd be changing my number.

His dementia doesn't change who he has been to you all your life, how he has treated you all all these years. and his death won't make him have been a good father to you, so , well, don't know what else to say really.

Original poster
Boobalina · 29/03/2011 14:37

Its so frustrating as I realise he is a vulnerable adult who needs help and I do help but I am getting to the point where I never want to see or speak to him ever again.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 29/03/2011 14:38

YANBU - dementia is hard enough to deal with when it's someone you really love and who loved you - when you're having to deal with it more out of a sense of family duty it's a royal bastard.

Have you tried telling the nursing home that he can't phone you all the time, i.e. asking them to limit his access to a phone?

HecateTheCrone · 29/03/2011 14:39

So don't.

An accident of birth made him your father.

His treatment of you your entire life made him a bastard.

Does he deserve you? Has he ever done anything that makes you feel that you love him and want to be there for him? If he wasn't your father, would you have him in your life?

Katisha · 29/03/2011 14:40

I think you need to speak to staff at home.
or
Not pick up when you see it's him.

ENormaSnob · 29/03/2011 14:42

You are a far better person than me as I doubt I would have much to do with him.

You reap what you sow IMO

CMOTdibbler · 29/03/2011 14:43

I understand. I love my mum very much, but dealing with her dementia drives me crazy with the going over the same thing every time she calls.

IME, its best to say things like 'yes, I'll visit soon' and let them say what they need to. I'm not proud to say I MN when mum is on the phone, but that way she gets to talk and I can just make the right noises while she tells me the same story for the nth time in a row. Or a story where she can't find the words for things/people/places which is a little difficult to follow

Original poster
Boobalina · 29/03/2011 14:44

I have allowed staff to give him my number as he goes through periods of mass anxiety and becomes agiated.

Its difficult, as I grew up in a choatic DV household at time, but also grew up in a large house, had a good education, was told constantly that I was loved etc...

But that doesnt excuse him being so fucking awful in the past. I think beacuse my mum was too kind and caring, I find it hard to just walk away.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 29/03/2011 14:45

Speak to staff, change your number or screen your calls. I have exactly the same thing happening with my bfather (who has Altzheimer's) instigated by my bmom and it drives me batty.

jamaisjedors · 29/03/2011 14:46

I'm sorry to hear about this.

My Dad has Alzheimer's and I find it really frustrating dealing with him because although he was not like your father, he was always very hard and critical with us and I find my patience evaporating.

Actually I will start a separate thread, but I agree with others that maybe you can speak to the staff.

annapolly · 29/03/2011 14:46

That must be so hard. I feel like screaming with my MILs behaviour due to dementia. Even though I love her and she deserves my care.

I have to admit I do not dread the call to tell me she is gone.

Speak to the care home and get them to limit the amount of calls he can make.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with but have no regrets when he is gone. If you are kinder to him than he deserves it will not be something you will regret at his graveside.

ENormaSnob · 29/03/2011 14:47

A large house doesn't detract from dv Sad

Kandinsky · 29/03/2011 14:49

Dementia is an awful thing. My Mum is in a high dependency dementia care home at the end stage. She was a loving, caring mother to us and I find it really hard to motivate myself to visit as she is now just a shell unable to care for any of her own needs, communicate or show any signs of recognition. How you deal with this without a happy history I don't know. He will not remember whether you visit him every hour or every two months. You will see no condemnation from me and we have found the most criticism for decisions we have had to make regarding my Mum from people who have no experience of dementia.

Original poster
Boobalina · 29/03/2011 14:50

I've left a message for the staff - I always feel the need to apologise to them for being so fucked off with him calling me all the pissing time, like I am heartless bitch. They are lovely and I have filled them in on his back story of being a nasty bastard at home, but seen as upstanding pillar of community outside... lots of people know him in the home and their parents before them - and they all address him by his proper title (cant say incase someone i know is reading this) and think he is just charming...

He wasnt so charming when he used to drag my mother by her hair across my bedroom floor drunk at midnight when I was 8 years old :(

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 29/03/2011 14:55

Dementia is hard to deal with when the person was kind and loving.

Let alone an abusive nasty bastard.

I wouldn't visit at all tbh

You owe him nothing, he will reap what he sowed.

Lovecat · 29/03/2011 14:57

:( Boobalina.

If it weren't for the DV, I'd think you were my sister posting... my dad is 80, has Alzheimers and has just been admitted to hospital for the 2nd time in 6 months following his refusal to eat/drink/get up and use the toilet and it looks like he won't be coming home again. For which I'm truly thankful. He was a nasty, nasty man who kept the whole house in a constant atmosphere of terror because of his violent mood-swings and his vicious tongue. He was never physically violent but he was emotionally abusive and abusive in other ways too. The Alzheimers has merely stripped away the charming veneer that the outside world got to see.

If he goes into a home I have no intention of visiting him and will breathe a sigh of relief when he's gone, for what he inflicted on us as children. If he were to start ringing me I would block his number. If this makes me sound a harsh bitch, then I'm a harsh bitch.

Original poster
Boobalina · 29/03/2011 14:59

Oh poor your Lovecat - its so hard, as it totally goes against my nature of helping people. I have two small kids (both under 7) and split from H last year so working FT, juggling a lot and I just HATE this extra DRAIN on my emotions and also time!

OP posts:
Lovecat · 29/03/2011 15:07

I know exactly what you mean - I hate conflict and am definitely a people-pleaser (probably because of what I grew up with!) so it's hard for me too, but something has to give and I can't take the emotional anguish on top of everything else (and I only have the one DC and DH on hand - am in awe of how you're managing!).

This has stirred up a lot of emotions - mainly anger and a kind of mourning for the sort of parent I wanted him to be but he never was, if that makes any kind of sense?! - and on a very basic level, he is my dad, much as I hate him. So it's difficult, bloody difficult and draining, and you have my every sympathy. And an unMNish (((hug))).

Original poster
Boobalina · 29/03/2011 15:13

Bless you Lovecat!

I got all cross about last night as I watched the Neil Morrisey prog. There were two women who got taken into care as little girls for being in a DV environ and their experiences sounded no different from mine, but because we were such a well respected family in the town, people had an idea what was possible going on (mainly by Dads philandering and drunkeness at dinner parties and tennis club) but no one did anything to help mum or us (4 kids) and she couldnt leave as she had no where to go and an elderly mother to care for also. We were all trapped by him.

The fucker.

OP posts:
MrsH75 · 29/03/2011 15:29

Much sympathy. Dementia is hard to deal with even when the sufferer is the loveliest person ever.

My great auntie lived with us for a short while (and my grandad also lived with us who had mild dementia and was nowhere near as bad). We lost my great uncle and then she had a stroke, and after that was never the same. She kept saying she wanted to go home, though there was no way she could look after herself, she went from teary and childlike to scary and aggressive, and when she became doubly incontinent my mum decided enough was enough (was working FT as well) and found a care home for her. She was only in there a short time before she died and I don't mind saying I was actually quite glad she died in a way as I wanted to remember her the way she had been before she became ill. I had also been very worried about the strain on my mum who had had a heart attack a few years earlier. A couple of months later my mum was looking years younger with all that strain gone.

Original poster
Boobalina · 29/03/2011 15:35

I've just spoken to the care home and they are going to manage it more - the phonecalls and also review his general anxiety levels.

They are so kind and said many families dont visit the people in home at all, let alone fortnightly as we do.

Small mercy - he was asked not to be resussed if anything happens, like a heart attack, pheunmonia etc...

OP posts:
Lovecat · 29/03/2011 15:39

Good :)

Don't you dare feel guilty!

CJ2010 · 29/03/2011 15:45

Change your phone number. Just because your Dad is unwell doesn't mean he is now a good person, who deserves all this love and attention lavished on him.

It sounds like he treated you & your family appallingly for years, and ill or not, he is not a very nice person. I'm of the opinion that you reap what you sow.

You sound like a very caring and loving person but you need to get on with your life and visit as when you wish. You owe him nowt.