Dad with Dementia - dont flame me, but its doing my head in.

[Boobalina]

My near 80 year old is in a dementia care home and constantly phones me to ask when I can visit etc... then forgets he has phoned and then calls again and we have the same conversation over the next few days.

Long story short - he was a shit person to my (deceased) mum, violent, abusive middle class drunk, had affairs blah blah. He made our childhoods pretty fucking awful.

So I ended up getting him into a care home for his dementia (soley caused by lifetime of gin) and was happy to settle him in, visit weekly / fortnightly for over a year and a half.

Now, its gone down to 6 weekly as I roped in other siblings (who had all refused to visit him as they hated him too) to pick up the slack....

But I still get these bloody rambling calls from him asking to visit all the time... bearing in mind this is the man who never visited me in University, did come to my graduation, did all he could to never make any effort to visit me in the last 20 years.

It sounds terrible, but every time I see the nursing home number come up on my phone, I pray its them telling me he is dead.

Thing is, I dont want to change the same mobile number I have had for nearly 15 years because of him, I ahve been assured that in less than a year, his dementia will have moved on and I wont get any calls... fucking hope so!

Could you block his number?

I've worked with dementia patients and have the utmost respect for the family members who keep up the contact. It's a horrible disease that does horrible things to even the nicest of people. I used to care for a woman who would scream and cry about someone stealing her slippers, even after you pointed out they were there on her feet. The slippers were easy to deal with, but don't get me started on the "stolen" pension book.

Could you not tell him every time he rings "But I saw you just this morning Dad" ? Or how about "See you tomorrow then" and not turn up? If his Dementia's got to that point, he probably won't even notice.

Just wanted to lend my support - everyone here is right when they say these problems are hard enough to deal with when that person was a kind loving person - it must be hell for you.

Agreed his anxiety levels should be managed within the care home - surely that is good for him and them as well as you

I too had a situation with a family member who had abused me - i was kind to him all the way along until then end when ironically i was the one with him when he dropped down dead - i did not shed a tear for the fucker - he was a bad man who did me damage but i am proud of myself that i was decent to him (for the sake of other family members as well as me)- it made me feel as if i was not going to be twisted by what he had done to me

That said - please do not feel bad because you have done the right thing making sure he is cared for and visiting is enough you really do not need the extra strain this puts on you

You and your children are the priority - he is bloody lucky you have done as much as you have so far.

But then I wont know if he pegs it - he calls from the Nursing homes office number

And honestly the need to make everything ok for everyone else even though it pains you so much is a legacy of abuse

You do sound like such a lovely person and so pleased to see that although you suffered at the hands of this man you are stilla good and kind person wanting to do the right thing - ultimately you have survived and thrived sweetheart

Thank you Pinky - thats very kind of you to say. I do worry about people thinking badly of me. But I was estranged from him for a period of time because of his heavy drinking, but it was obvious there was more to it, and one pysch assesment later = alcoholic onset demnetia. And this was when all of us siblings agree to be estranged from him. But when he had the diagnosis - I then organised with a sibling to put into a nice care home etc... the other two sibs remained estranged... I try and be relatively flexible....