To feel like I've Fucked Up My Kids As I Have No Friends?

[KidsComingOutOfMyEars]

I have no one at all apart from DH (he has no friends either). Our families do not live near and have very little contact with the DCs.

Basically I have moved round all my life (almost 40), left home at 18 and moved away from home town, so lost contact with school friends (did have some then!), as a lot of them moved away for work or uni. Then moved to a London at 21 and had work friends (who I would go out on the razzle with). Met DH then as well and as we were so into each other, lack of friends did not matter (he had lots of friends at that point).

At 25, we moved out of London (1st DC, bought a house in an area where we knew nobody, cheapest houses within commuting distance to London) and I realise now that I suffered from PND as I did go to baby groups but could never connect with anyone iykwim. When DC1 was 8 months, I went back to work but it was a new job in our new town as I decided I could not do the commute back to my old London job and I felt so isolated at home so basically lost contact with London work friends. In this time DH started losing contact with his friends as we were outside of London and he had a long commute so no time for socialising what with new baby. I got on well with people at work (as I have always done) but could never take it any further to make actual proper friends.

God knows why (when I think back) but we moved again when DC1 was 2 to a nearby town as we could get a better house. Don't know what I was thinking but I think I thought that a fresh start would be good which seems to be the story of my bloody life! Then I got pregnant with DC2 and decided that life would be pretty shit with 2 DCs and no family or friend support so we decided to move back to my home town where I had some family. DC1 was 4 by then and sadly DC2 was stillborn shortly after we moved. So of course I was pretty low and depressed, so found another job within 3 months and threw myself into it. DC1 was picked up by my sister so I did not go to the school much to meet the other mums although she did have friends over at weekends but the parents seemed to drop and run rather than stay and chat!.

Then I got pregnant again but returned to work soon after I had DC3. We (or rather I in my lets start afresh mindset) then moved abroad as DH was offered a job (I made him apply for it), and I did make one good friend over there but we returned within a year as we basically got shafted in regards to DH's job and could do nothing about it as he was on a work visa. We had hoped to stay there permanently as we could have applied for residency after 2 years but the whole move was pretty much a disaster (won't bore anyone with that story!) and we came back completely demoralised having lost a whole lot of money.

So if you have read this far, currently we have been living here in this town, a totally new area as DH was offered a job here, for 4 years (bloody hell time flies) and although I have had periods of working and not working, I have still not made any frigging friends! I am extremely shy and can give the impression of being aloof but I can talk to people on the school run and can start a conversation with anyone in a shop or whatever so I cannot understand whats wrong with me.

I have just had DC4 and have been to some baby groups but they just bore me to death and I can hardly ask some random mum to come over. I just feel so totally isolated and feel like shit that my DCs have never really known DH and I having friends over for a coffee or for dinner. They rarely see any of our families so the only adult contact they have is with DH & I. I read somewhere on here that DCs of friendless parents can turn out like them and I would hate for them to have the life we have . They are quite sociable and have friends from school and clubs. I have promised myself that we will never move from this shitty town and will encourage the DCs to stick around too so they don't lose contact with their friends as adults like we did.

AIBU to think that DH & I must be completely weird and pathetic and worry we are projecting this on our DCs?

you just need to take step and invite other mums over your house or even ask if they fancy going to the park in the easter hoilday ect.

I think the problem you have is being unable to settle. If you carry on like this, and constantly uproot your children, they will be the ones who find it hard to make friends, and you seem to have realised this.

In your subconcious, I suspect you hold back from making friends yourself, because you think you wont be around for long anyway.

Having said that, I "know" loads of people, but only have a couple of close friends who I share a lot with. I am not anti-social, but my husband is my best friend, and I am also quite happy with life, and enjoy my own company a lot of the time.

Your kids will be fine, they will grow up with friends, they will have each other too, and they will go on to get married, and then you will have grandchildren to fuss over.

Some people prefer family life to having a wide circle of friends, and there is nothing wrong with that.

look on your local netmums meet a mum section,can be quite good.

my only friend in this god damned cliquey village is shortly moving....i will have no one here at all then!

Yep I know I have a problem settling . Probably stems from coming from a forces family and moving every few years as kid.

Been on Netmums [no flaming please] and have advertised myself prolifically with no come back. No one on there in my town either except for 20 somethings on their 1st child.

I know I have held back from people as since having DCs, my self esteem and sense of worth have plummeted and I got much fatter!

roughly where are you based? that sounds very much like my netmms atm too

why do you find mums' groups boring, do you think?

What about some classes in something you might enjoy....craft classes are common now....they're usually populated by young women...30 plus I mean. Or you could even join your Womens Institute...they go on piss ups coach tours as well as have lectres these days...they have things for their kids too such as fete's and craft fairs....not like it used to be.

Join the school PTA, which will help you to connect with some of the parents there (be a general helper rather than the chair or secretary, which is too much work!).

If you go to a baby group, volunteer to help. It is so much more enjoyable if you are doing something rather than just sitting around - I certainly felt like a spare part just going to a group. Generally speaking, helping others can be a much better way to make proper connections than actively seeking out friendships.

We've moved around a bit but have been here for about 8 years now. However, for various reasons we've had to move the DCs' schools a few times (more than just going from primary to secondary), so have had to start again in that way.

I'm slowly getting to know people, but sort of starting to accept that I'll probably never have the sort of intimate friendships I always assumed I'd have by now.

But I do feel confident that my DCs will grow up having long-term friends; for one thing, we're engaged in their lives and social circles and talk to them about relationships/life etc, in a way our own parents never did. I had no guidance in social matters at all - any problems I had or mistakes I was making were entirely my own affair.

I suspect you cultivate your DCs' social lives too (don't mean in a hideous, desperate 'networking' way), and will encourage a healthy attitude and the confidence to keep in touch with their old friends while making new ones.

One mum at DS2's school, at the end of last summer hols, arranged a picnic in a park with a stream where the kids could swim - a great idea for a last chill-out, and got them all back in the swing of enjoying each others' company. But it was also nice for the parents to catch up (in my case, to speak to one or two others - about as much as I could cope with .) Not as personal as inviting people round, but a nice relaxed way of getting your face known.

I hope you do start to get to know people, but staying put sounds like a good idea for your DCs' sake - and I wouldn't worry about setting the wrong example - you can only do your best. (I do know what you mean by that, though - we used to think we had a quiet, anti-social life, but since moving here we have people round for a meal maybe once or twice a year .)

My children dont see me socializing much, I'm at work all week and on the weekend we do family things with my DH. I don't think this is such a terrible thing, if you are not depressed and are enjoying family life, and my two are very sociable to the point that I can't keep up! But I sense from your post that actually you would like friends for your own sake, and that you do feel a bit lonely and isolated. It's easy to imagine everyone else has a riotous social life: I do have old friends from years ago, and have finally made a mummy friend after two years, but have almost no opportunity to see them!

Firstly, I would not stay in a crappy town just to provide stability. I would think about where you would be happy, and then work at putting down roots. Wanting to move from there may not be restlessness, it may be a horrible place!

Secondly, even if you want to move, I would make friends now, you can always keep in touch and visit and it will make the time you are there much nicer. Look for someone catching your eye in the playground, or try to meet mums from a meeting group, or say where you are on here and we'll see if anyone is around.

But don't worry that you are necessarily damaging them, with four children there will be plenty of social interaction, and if you are a happy family, that's a wonderful model for them. And if you make a few friends in the next few years (perhaps one of the parents of your children's friends!) then all to the good.

You sound nice - I'll be your friend :)

I have friends but like a few have said DH is my best friend. In all honestly I wouldn't shrivel up and die if I never saw them again - and I've more or less lived in the same area my whole life. In fact I find most people really boring (I'm very much aware people may think this of me too). I certainly don't think not having people round for coffee is in any way going to influence your children's social skills! Perhaps join a club or course?

Come on then - where do you live OP? We all like the sound of you!

ILoveTiffany - we are in Essex.

I think I've got to the point now where I don't know how to interact with other people iykwim. I have got used to this way of life and it is very difficult for me to get past to 'hi, how are you', 'I'm fine thanks' conversations with people I see regularly on the school run.

As the DCs have got older it has hit me a lot that they do not have relationships with anybody apart from us. I would just like a friend to show an interest in them and talk to them I suppose. Also I had to give birth to DC4 alone as DH had to stay at home with the other DCs as we had no one to look after them. He got me to the hospital and then had to go so all rather sad really. It would have been nice to have a friend we could leave them with.

The baby groups bore me because I find talking about babies boring and that's all they seem to talk about!

You should think about giving the baby groups another go. The conversations will first of all be about children, it's the ice breaker as that is what you at first appear to have incommon. They're not going to open the conversation by asking your views on the situation in libya.

Hopefully once you have got to know them a bit better you can work out which ones are likely to hold a non baby conversation. Arrange a meeting at a park as away from the totally baby orientated setting it may be easy to hAve a normal adult conversation.

You sound very negative to me and I don't understand how you can't make friends when you have four children and the opportunities are endless. What was wrong with the baby groups?

invite older children's frinds round for tea and a play and get chatting to the parents if the baby talk bores you

you have to make positive constructive steps and not wait for people to fill your life

I'm in chigwell. I have few friends, can't be bothered to tell you the truth.

I am a sahm and I take ds out most days. Having no mates is absolutley no reflection on you as a person.

Think we should all have a mn piss up night out

I hate baby/toddler groups too

Asking randon mums/people to come over/go out is exactly how many people start networking friends up! How else are you going to start even meeting people?! Come on, you're obviously bright and organised - start puting the same efforts & attention into making friends. As others have said, you're coming across as very negative, and I wouldn't be surprised if people are picking up on that. Be a bit more open and a bit more positive and make an effort :)

"They're not going to open the conversation by asking your views on the situation in libya"

If the above happened in my local parent and child group I think there would be the sound of jaws dropping all round and a fair bit of tumbleweed. Conversation there tends to swing between "And then she said ... so I said ... and then she said ..." and boasting about how advance little Brian is because he's being stuffed with gobbling up steak and chips at 4 weeks old despite the HV's protestations ("I mean, I know my baby and he loves it"). I sympathise OP.

I think you don't fit the mould of someone who needs to do the baby group circuit. I think you need to do something a bit different. How do you feel about supporting other people? With the life experience you have you might be a good candidate to offer help to others, perhaps some volunteering or something? Is this something you might consider?

I can understand your situation, it's quite normal to lose touch with friends from different stages in our lives, I think, even if it is sad. Also I understand you being bored by baby groups - if you're on no. 4 you've probably been there and done that.

What about inviting the families of your DC's friends out one weekend to a park or walk or picnic or national trust castle or something? It might be easier if it's an activity rather than just small talk.

Hi, KidsCOOME,

I think it's lovely that you're showing such concern for your DC's.

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost DC2

I feel that we should have more people over, both our friends and the children's, but I feel the house is too untidy.

I think it is important to have one or two friends, and for the children to have some really good friends too.

I'm sure, if you stay open to the idea, and work at it a bit, some one or two will come along soon.

Good luck !

• I know what it's like moving to a new place.

I think it does take time to settle

"They're not going to open the conversation by asking your views on the situation in libya."

ha ha- so true!

I was down on baby groups for a while for the same reasons you were, but then I realised that I was expecting too much, and more to the point, they are a valuable opportunity to meet loads of different people in a no-obligations environment with whom you have at least one thing in common.

However, whilst they are a great way to meet people, to make friends you need to take it outside the group IYSWIM. In the first few I went to I just chatted to loads of people about babies/bf/sleep/ usual bollocks, and then when I met someone who I thought seemed a laugh, I got their number and then called them to see if they wanted to meet for a coffee/ walk and then we got chatting properly (although still not about Libya). I've met a few really nice women that way.

Are there no class reps at your DC schools? Maybe volunteer to be one and start organising things to do.

With 4 children I am really surprised you have no friends, surely they have pals they ask to come over and then you get chatting to the parents..hey ho.

I think you need to find someone you have things in common with. Friends ships are cultivated over time, and can mean putting up with the annoying times but keeping the meet - ups constant, then you look back and say "Wow we have known each other 5 yrs."

I am very much like you and I have started taking free courses supplied by our council through their community learning and development department. The girl that deals with the course is great and has me on her lists for just about anything including the one which I am nearing the end of which more than likely will get me a small job working with young kids a couple of hours a week. Most councils run schemes like this so have a look online and see what they have going, maximum any I do will cost me would be creche costs if they have been unable to secure a free one, which is rare. It is hard to start with as I hate to feel/look pushy but I have met a really nice group of women, most in the same boat as me. Good luck.