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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my db hasn't considered hiswedding guests at all

32 replies

spongefingerssavedmylife · 28/03/2011 18:41

Having his wedding in France on a Monday,it is such a slog to get there + time off work. Apparently we are the only people with DCs, they are invited but not to the church or evening recepetion (fair enough, I think children at weddings are A Bad Thing).

He doesn't seem to realise that this makes it pretty tricky for us to go though!dh will basically be stuck in a hotel room and I'll be feeling like billy no mates at the reception (rest of family on top table, not me though). Or I go on my own, but I really don't want to leave the DCs, wouldn't mind if it was in the same country but I hate the thought of not being able to just get in the car and drive home if I needed to!

I would really have appreciated it if they had made some sort of 'here's the phone number for a babysitter' type gesture!

Just a bit argh really and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
cazza40 · 28/03/2011 18:48

I think you should go get your dh to look after the kids . Why not go on your own you might even have some fun ?!

TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo · 28/03/2011 18:48

So your dcs are invited to the wedding but not invited to the wedding? The bit in the church being the, err, wedding. And so either you or dh doesn't get to the wedding, either, just the food. Nice.

Me, I'd say "thanks, unfortunately we can't manage it, you'll understand when you have kids of your own".

ilovesooty · 28/03/2011 18:50

Surely he can choose the wedding he wants, and you can choose whether or not to go.

Why aren't you on the top table if other relatives are?

Original poster
spongefingerssavedmylife · 28/03/2011 18:52

Yes, exactly invited but not invited. I think that they should either not invite children but make some other provision for them or just invite them. If it was a friend's wedding I'd just leave them with GPs, but obviously as it is db I can't!

OP posts:
chocadoodle · 28/03/2011 18:52

You say your DCs are invited but not to the church or the evening reception. So DB has invited them all the way to France just for the afternoon reception?

I'm usually one for saying it's up to the people getting married who they invite/don't invite etc, but I think in this case it's a bit unfair of him to only invite them to part of it when you're having to travel to another country. As they're the only children there and they are his nieces/nephews and you're his sister then you would think he would make an exception.

It's not really fair on you or your DH either if you're having to attend on your own and your DH has gone all that way to not even be able to attend properly. I think if I were you I would politely explain to DB that if DCs were able to attend the church DH is happy to take them outside if they become noisy or distracting and that you would also like them to be able to attend his evening reception. If he stands firm on the conditions of the invite be prepared to tell him that it makes it too difficult for you to attend. I wouldn't be keen on anyone babysitting my DC who I'd had no previous contact with anyway. YANBU.

Original poster
spongefingerssavedmylife · 28/03/2011 18:53

My other dbs are joint best men!

OP posts:
Original poster
spongefingerssavedmylife · 28/03/2011 18:54

I'm normally the one saying 'It's up to the bride & groom' but this really is tricky!

OP posts:
Unwind · 28/03/2011 18:56

Why not ask the bride and groom's advice?

jenga079 · 28/03/2011 18:57

How close are you to DB? How important is it for you to be at his wedding?

It sounds like he may just have not thought through the logistics. Have you actually said to DB "you know what? this is proving really difficult for me. I've thought about leaving DC at home, or getting a babysitter in France, but none of those things seem possible. Would it really be a problem for them to come with us? Obviously if they are noisy in church then DH will take them out and we'll bring our own food for them for the evening reception. Would that be okay?'

Best case scenario: DC can go with you.
Worst case: back to where you are now.

Eglu · 28/03/2011 19:00

I think if your DB is having his wedding abroad and not fully inviting your family, then he can't be upset if you don't go.

It is a shame that your DB has not put thought into his own sister attending his wedding though.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/03/2011 19:05

Normally I think it is up to the bride and groom to do what makes them happy, but I think that if you get married abroad and expect people with DC to travel, then you ought to invite them to the whole event. It's not reasonable to expect people to leave their children behind while they go abroad, especially if the whole family (the people who would normally babysit) are at the wedding too.

I wouldn't be happy leaving my children with non family babysitters if i was travelling out of the country.

Why are you not at the top table with the rest of your family?

I think in your position, I would decline the invitation, if your brother was unwilling to be a bit more accommodating.

MollyMurphy · 28/03/2011 19:06

While I can understand no children rules, when people are coming from out of town I don't think its reasonable to not allow them to bring their kids. To travel all that way, only for one of you to sit in the hotel room seems not cool. And one parent staying home dealing with everything while the other is off in France - that kind of sucks too. I can't imagine hiring a stranger in France to babysit. Such a hard and fast rule makes it really hard for people with kids to want to come. I would definately have a chat with your DB about it and explain the difficulties.

Hope it works out for you hun.

activate · 28/03/2011 19:08

does he live in france - I thought you had to be there a good few weeks before you could marry there

Sassybeast · 28/03/2011 19:08

Tell him you can't go - sounds like a nightmare.

SoupDragon · 28/03/2011 19:08

Why don't you ask him for the number of a babysitter?

Blu · 28/03/2011 19:09

he can't not invite you to the service - anyone can attend church services or registry offices - the church is open to whoever wishes to attend, and registry offices are open for the public. In the U.K, anyway.

It seems sad that he isn't viewing his neices / nephews as family to celebrate the wedding - have you talked it through with him?

shushpenfold · 28/03/2011 19:13

If he doesn't have children then he really hasn't thought it through...which I wouldn't have before them either. Your should either explain your difficulty or leave your lo's with your dh and go on a weekend wedding jolly (oooh - lovely!!)

shushpenfold · 28/03/2011 19:13

P.S. if you go on your own he needs to put you on the top table.

JaneS · 28/03/2011 19:15

I usually think not inviting children to weddings is a bit crap, but I think you should go on your own and leave your kids and DH at home. Let's face it: weddings are great fun, but your husband surely isn't going to have the same emotional reason for wanting to go that you will, and if your children aren't invited to the ceremony anyway, they'd probably be bored stiff.

I do feel your irritation though - my DB invited us all to his wedding in Germany and it was a bit of a similar faff around that worked for the bride and groom but wasn't really thought through. He ended up with far fewer guests than initially expected, but it was a lovely day and had a really nice intimate atmosphere in the end.

Original poster
spongefingerssavedmylife · 28/03/2011 19:25

Thank you! I'm glad I'm not being entirely U. It absolutely is DBs day and I don't really want to be making difficulties for them. But I think I need to decide that either we all go or just me and if I go alone ask that I don't have to sit on my own!

I'm not sure how much say DB is actually having in the day tbh, but he was really upset when my mother mentioned that we might not be able to come - no offer of help though!

OP posts:
zukiecat · 28/03/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amberleaf · 28/03/2011 19:37

He sounds like an arse, surely someone involved in the wedding plans is aware of childcare issues?

HE is being totally unreasonable if it were me i wouldnt go at all.

piprabbit · 28/03/2011 19:40

You haven't mentioned your DPs parents - would they be able to do an extended babysit for you? I realise your own parents will be busy, so it might be time to make use of paternal grandparents??

Or would your family chip in towards the cost of some sort of travel nanny to go with you, or even source a local french nanny.

ENormaSnob · 28/03/2011 19:40

I wouldn't go tbh.

jenga079 · 28/03/2011 19:41

Why is it your mother who has said you might not be able to go? Just call him and discuss it!

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