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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being polite but keeping to myself with an unwanted house guest

45 replies

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 14:21

My husband invited his niece to stay against my wishes - indefinitely.

I have a baby and five year old. He travels for weeks at a time. She had fallen on hard times and he wanted to help her out. I said at most a four to six week stay and she would need to buy her own groceries and I could not look after her. He did not relay this information to her as he felt she was too fragile and he would let her know down the track.
Well she turned up with everything she owned and let go of her apartment at home and left her job thinking i would be ok with her moving in. She would help with the kids and around the house till she got a job. Although a casual one and still live here. She has no money I might add and has not bought a single grocery or helped at all.

She is in the way.
So am I being awful by avoiding her? I cannot look her in the eye. He wants to let her figure it out In Her own time but i have been tearing my hair out with the lack of privacy and expectation that I will entertain her.
He does not want me to brooch the subject with her too soon.

I have found myself going out a lot and staying in my room. She is uncomfortable and it feels terrible.
I have not offered her meals or any invitations out as I would want to tell her it is not ok with me but her uncle wanted her here regardless.

I guess I just feel awful by freezing her out so she will leave. But my husband and i strongly disagree with each other about her being here.
So the question in short aibu giving signals of my unhappiness having her here? She is crying in her room a lot and I feel terrible.

OP posts:

dittany · 28/03/2011 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madwomanintheattic · 28/03/2011 14:48

i just typed 'i bet any minute there's going to be a drip feed about cultural differences'.

Skinit · 28/03/2011 14:48

You may have to make her homeless now...so she can get into a hostel. I suggest that your DH supports her in this. It's all his fault.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2011 14:50

"He wants to let her figure it out In Her own time" WTF? Figure out what? What has he actually told her? She left her job - why? Did she live a long way away from you? What age is she? What kind of hard times?

Whilst I sympathise with your situation, yes, you are being awful to avoid her. You need to talk to her, to ask what EXACTLY she believed was the situation she was coming to, and explaining where that is at variance from what you expected. Your husband is being very cruel to his niece, throwing her into this situation and then walking away.

Original poster

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 14:55

So we are all clear the leaving her apartment was not something he suggested. She was coming here for an indefinate break in his eyes. He didn't advise her to move out and leave her job and live here. It was a sublet your place invitation and tAke leave type offer.
Anyway I think the chat is good course of action. I agree I think it will be kinder and help her.

OP posts:

dittany · 28/03/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 15:07

She is thirty.

Okay thanks everyone. I will talk to her asap. Dh already knows he has made an error. But I need to stand up and take leadership now as he is a push over when it comes to his family. And the way I have been dealing with it is not helpful to any of us.

OP posts:

dittany · 28/03/2011 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 15:15

Yeah get your point dtny. She has a parents home she could go to as well so she will be ok. She is not destitute or untrained so will be ok with work. Indefinate meant a holiday but you are right with it not making sense. all was unclear from the start.

I guess I am tired of helping this part of his family out all the time. They pull the wool a bit and he falls for the hard luck story. It makes me cross. Anyway I doubt it will happen Again now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 15:21

Think you are right about the guile of his travel too. Anyway you ladies are ace. Many thanks. Great to thrash it out.

OP posts:

dittany · 28/03/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 18:39

I spoke with her and she was receptive. She is going home and understands. I didn't have to say much. I asked her what she wanted coming here and she wanted to move away from her problems and knows here is not the answer. She agreed she needs to face them and not working and sleeping all day and crying is not helping her be adult about them. She has thanked us for letting her stay. I didn't need to go into much detail as she seemed to have decided already. So I just said thought that was a good idea for her to get on her way.
Also said I thought her expectation may have been different to the reality of living here. We have young children and are pretty house bound and not really able to do a lot with guests right now. So it must be pretty boring for her. So I am so relieved.
Ps

I made her dinner.

OP posts:

pingu2209 · 28/03/2011 18:49

Your dh has been cruel on her as much as you. It is not fair to invite someone who will be made 'softly' unwelcome.

However, now the situation is upon you I would advise you be polite but not overly welcoming (which you seem to be doing anyway). Then if she is still there after 4 weeks I would sit down with her (even without your dh's agreement) and calmly say that you wonder what her plans are for the near future. Pretty much let her know she has to move out relatively soon.

If she doesn't take the polite route, and is still there after 8 weeks, you will need to have it out with both of them.

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 19:58

Well done for talking to her, I bet you both feel better and the atmosphere will improve.

You do however need serious words with your DH - silly arse!

ENormaSnob · 28/03/2011 20:05

Your dh is the unreasonable one.

I would be furious.

Original poster

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 20:21

Yeah. We have had it out dh and I. Several times. I love hm To bits but think he did the wrong thing not being up front as I had suggested. Put me in a very difficult position and her too. I got so anxious about the outcome.

Anyway she is off in the next few weeks. No more tension. I am so tired with the kids and work I just didn't have it in me to offer much right now to her. And I do think she was out of line not helping with groceries or replacing milk and stuff at thirty years old. It is ok to visit but it is important to show gratitude.
We have long been viewed as the family meal ticket as we have both held down jobs. I have drawn up guest rules now we both need to agree on before someone is invited.
Duration. Expectation. Timing. Clarity on what we can offer.

OP posts:

PlanetEarth · 28/03/2011 20:29

Thirty?! I read your first post wondering how old she was, thinking she must be about 17!

You definitely need to talk to her. If your DH is worried you will be too blunt - fine, he can talk to her then. But someone has to. Why on earth does he think she will figure it out herself that she needs to contribute, she's not a mind-reader is she?

PlanetEarth · 28/03/2011 20:30

Oops, missed your last posts, I got too incensed on your behalf and posted prematurely .

kylesmybaby · 28/03/2011 20:36

i really really dont know how you could have treated her in that way without speaking to her about the problem.

if she was sleeping all day, staying in her room and crying could you have not asked her if she needed support.

i can imagine how awkward the atmosphere must have been in your house - horrible.

hopefully by going home (there must have been a reason she didn't go there in the first place) she will get some support and get back on her feet.

FetchezLaVache · 28/03/2011 20:42

I assumed she was about 17 too!

Agree it's your DH who WBU in this situation- you tried to lay down sensible ground rules that would have made it easy and pleasant for you all to live together for a while, but he chose not to communicate them to his niece. I'm glad you've spoken to her and that it's all OK now- really felt bad for the poor woman, she must have felt so in the way.

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