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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being polite but keeping to myself with an unwanted house guest

45 replies

Vktrs · 28/03/2011 14:21

My husband invited his niece to stay against my wishes - indefinitely.

I have a baby and five year old. He travels for weeks at a time. She had fallen on hard times and he wanted to help her out. I said at most a four to six week stay and she would need to buy her own groceries and I could not look after her. He did not relay this information to her as he felt she was too fragile and he would let her know down the track.
Well she turned up with everything she owned and let go of her apartment at home and left her job thinking i would be ok with her moving in. She would help with the kids and around the house till she got a job. Although a casual one and still live here. She has no money I might add and has not bought a single grocery or helped at all.

She is in the way.
So am I being awful by avoiding her? I cannot look her in the eye. He wants to let her figure it out In Her own time but i have been tearing my hair out with the lack of privacy and expectation that I will entertain her.
He does not want me to brooch the subject with her too soon.

I have found myself going out a lot and staying in my room. She is uncomfortable and it feels terrible.
I have not offered her meals or any invitations out as I would want to tell her it is not ok with me but her uncle wanted her here regardless.

I guess I just feel awful by freezing her out so she will leave. But my husband and i strongly disagree with each other about her being here.
So the question in short aibu giving signals of my unhappiness having her here? She is crying in her room a lot and I feel terrible.

OP posts:
Mariez · 28/03/2011 14:22

go and speak to her. its the kindest thing you can do. the atmosphere must be awful, for all involved

ForeverNamechanging · 28/03/2011 14:25

It sounds like your angry at your husband and taking it out on the poor girl.

WishWellingtons · 28/03/2011 14:26

I feel really sorry for her. If she was under the impression from your DH that you were fine with her staying, you cant take it out on her. You should speak to her about it.

Gently · 28/03/2011 14:26

What is her reason for being with you? It sounds hard on you, but also she sounds pretty unhappy and probably doesn't want to be putting you out. It is your husband who is being difficult, not her. Is he around at the moment? Are there any obviously easy solutions, like you loaning her the money for a deposit or helping to arrange a houseshare? Is she making any effort to find work?

If your husband is being unhelpful, you would probably do better to help her to sort her shit out so that she is enabled to go sooner, than to ignore her.

And sort his attitude out too, doesn't sound like much of a partnership you've got going on there.

Hope you're ok.

nailak · 28/03/2011 14:27

why cant she claim jsa?

Skinit · 28/03/2011 14:27

How old is she? If she is 17 or 18 then YABU. If she is a woman...hen YANBU.

Can you help her to get a job? I think if it were me, I would be looking for live in jobs for her...in hotels seasonally and pubs etc.

In seaside resorts it is easy to get live in jobs.She can then save for a deposit.

RancerDoo · 28/03/2011 14:28

Your DH obviously means well but she sounds very unhappy and perhaps it would help her to know where she stands. Better than her feeling isolated and perhaps not understanding why.

I can understand you not being pleased about her staying but since it sounds like she needs you, can you together tell her she can stay but she needs to pull her weight, and give her a list of things to do around the house? I can't help wondering (and of course I don't know the background so could be way off the mark) whether letting her stay without doing anything is enabling her to wallow. I am no shrink but she sounds very sad, maybe depressed, and doing nothing cannot help, surely?

madwomanintheattic · 28/03/2011 14:32

you are being a bit of a bitch, and making whatever situation she got herself into worse for her.

your problem is with your husband, not your unwanted houseguest.

go and make the poor woman a cup of tea, a sandwich and knock on the door and apologise. you actually might be able to help her get herself back together (and out of your house sooner) if you give her a hand and encourage her to see that she might have something going for her. instead of driving her further into the pits of depression.

you never know, she might actually be helpful if you give her the chance.

way to go. nice work.

dittany · 28/03/2011 14:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vktrs · 28/03/2011 14:33

She is thirty years old. I suggested she look for a live in job but she said she was too tired to look.
My husband is a push over and it is not the first time this niece and her family have asked us for money and been in hard tines if you get my drift.
Point taken am taking my anger out on her I guess. And I agree being direct is best.
I feel caught as he thinks I am too blunt and would hurt her. I wouldn't of course. Women are very sensitive.

OP posts:
tubeofcanesten · 28/03/2011 14:34

Oh dear you sound mean I think you need to make the best of this siutation is going to change immedicately. Show some kindness.

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 14:34

OK, before this decends into an even further mess, you have to tackle this as your DH is unwilling to.

I think you need to speak to her and apologise to her about your behaviour but explain to her what you've said here.

Let her know that you are happy to help out but this cannot be an open ended thing.

You are not being fair on her or yourself.

It is your DH who is being unreasonable

dittany · 28/03/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 28/03/2011 14:39

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Original poster
Vktrs · 28/03/2011 14:40

For the record I have sat and made her coffee and toast every morning then I go about my day. I am not ignoring her just continuing on my day as I normally would do.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 28/03/2011 14:41

You need to speak to her - whether she's genuinely in need or chancing it a bit, you'll be better off talking to her about the situation and how you'd like it to develop. So - explain to her that your DH didn't really discuss this properly with you and you're pissed off with him. That you need for her to help out, practically and financially. That you don't feel comfortable with this being an open-ended arrangement, so you would like her to start planning for getting her own place.

It doesn't have to be hurtful - frankly I don't see how any kind of conversation could be worse than being avoided and knowing there's a problem but no-one will even tell you why!

Bonsoir · 28/03/2011 14:41

Your husband has been incredibly unreasonable. Please discuss this with him as soon as possible.

In the mean time, explain your position to your husband's niece and see whether the two of you cannot find a better modus vivendi than at present.

dittany · 28/03/2011 14:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 14:44

How old is she and what problems is she having as you need to know these in order to help her out.

LaWeasel · 28/03/2011 14:44

I agree that your husband has been awful to both of you.

If he won't talk to her, you need to explain what has happened - not matter how awkward, and that you've realised it must be uncomfortable for her to be living there whilst you are arguing.

Set a date for when she has to move out, be nice and point out jobs in paper etc.

It's not what you want to do I know, but if you can get her out you can concentrate on ripping your husband a new one for being such an utter fucking twat that he felt the need to screw both his wife and niece over.

Original poster
Vktrs · 28/03/2011 14:45

Yeah he has made an error not being up front with her. I think I am clear thanks to you all. I will talk to her about it myself gently. I would be happy to help for a finite period but feel she needs to go home to her parents Or brother.
My dh is Italian. There is such a cultural divide with where one home ends and another begins with him.

OP posts:
dittany · 28/03/2011 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontGoCurly · 28/03/2011 14:45

Is she a blood relative to him OP ?

Your DH is being an absolute idiot. The poor girl was totally misled, giving up her apartment and job. He asked her to yours, effectively dumping her on you because he is a soft eejit.

You need to have a strong word with your husband and explain to him what he has done is make things 10 times worse for his niece. All because of his own weakness.

Get husband to mind the kids and take the girl out and explain as much as you can to her. Is she depressed?

madwomanintheattic · 28/03/2011 14:46

well, you need to something, or she's going to be there forever.

grab your chap by his knackers and frogmarch everyone into the same room and sort it out.

or talk to her yourself and give her a hand to get herself back on her feet, in return for a bit of babysitting and housework. an adult guest on free board and lodging would be quite handy here sometimes. work for your keep and all that. make her feel useful and she might get a bit of confidence back and sort herself out.

what is it with unwanted houseguests and mn at the moment?

dittany · 28/03/2011 14:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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