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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send DS1 (age 7) to bed with no tea

43 replies

pingu2209 · 28/03/2011 13:35

My dh and I rowed over this (although he did stand by my decision infront of ds1). Dh thinks no child should go to bed hungary and as ds is only 7 he needs food to grow/learn. My view is it is only 1 meal but is 'painful' enough for ds to remember for a long while!

For normal naughtiness (like answering back or fighting with his siblings) I would say no tv for the evening or no ds for a specific time or sent to his room etc. However, I caught my ds1 and 4 other boys, picking on a boy from another school in the local park. It included fighting, swearing and squirting water from drinks bottles. I was horrified. To be fair on ds1 he was the last to join in but he did join in.

I told him off infront of all his friends and frog marched him home instantly. He is no longer allowed to mix with the other boys, which is hard for him as they all play football after school in the park and he really enjoys playing with them.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 28/03/2011 13:37

YANBU. Bullying and victimisation is a nasty thing to be involved with at any age. At least you agreed on the punishment in public - one skipped supper won't kill him

StarvingMarvin · 28/03/2011 13:37

I'm afraid I agree with your DH.

diddl · 28/03/2011 13:40

I agree with your husband tbh.

I think withholding a meal-as opposed to a treat is a horrible thing to do.

mrbojangles · 28/03/2011 13:41

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. You told him off and made an example of him infront of his friends, removed him from the park and made it clear he was no allowed to play with the other boys.
Whats sending him to bed with no tea all about?? sounds like you had already punished him enough to me.

belledechocchipcookie · 28/03/2011 13:42

Food should never be withheld as a punishment!

AMumInScotland · 28/03/2011 13:44

I think punishment is better if it relates to the crime - not letting him play with these boys is a clear consequence of what he did. Depriving him of a meal is just punishment as "nastiness" rather than "consequences", so I don't like it as a matter of principle.

LessNarkyPuffin · 28/03/2011 13:44

I wouldn't withhold food as punishment. I would ban tv and computer and consoles for a week.

Cantgetmyarseoffthesofa · 28/03/2011 13:45

Well done for frog marching him away from his friends. I think that, and banning him from playing with his friends is the best punishment.

I do agree with your DH on this one though and would have given him his tea, partly because I would hate the thought of him waking up hungry in the night and disturbing my sleep!

PlentyOfPrimroses · 28/03/2011 13:46

YABU. It's tough enough raising them with a healthy relationship to food as it is.

Sn0wflake · 28/03/2011 13:49

I wouldn't withhold food. I can't sleep if I am too hungry so a kid might have an even harder time. I agree it was a bad thing that he did but I think not letting him play with those boys for a while was enough. You sound a bit mean to be honest.

Happygomummy · 28/03/2011 13:51

As soon as I saw title I was going to say YABU however I can see why you did it given serious nature of 'crime'

I do think important kids that age eat however so I may have been tempted to give him something very ordinary ie different from rest - perhaps even just bread, water and perhaps a bit of cheese and an apple. I would also give the rest of family a treat and make sure he knows about it and is not getting any because of his behaviour.

But well done for taking such a strong stand on bullying.

therealmrsbeckham · 28/03/2011 13:52

I agree with AMumInScotland. YABU - I think that withholding food as a punishment is very bizzare and cruel.

You need to deal with the bullying issue but much better in my opinion to withdraw privilages/grounding/taking him to appologise to the child in question etc.

I do think that you are right not to let him mix with the other bullies boys though.

puglet123 · 28/03/2011 13:53

I can totally see your point and what you were trying to achieve, but I would probably have withheld pudding, rather than the whole meal - as you had already told him off in front of his friends. It is a hard one though - my DS also aged 7 would have had his fav toy taken away and pudding withheld.

Bringonthegoat · 28/03/2011 13:54

YANBU but it is further than I would have gone personally - can't see why he had to miss eating. I would have sent him to his room to eat tea alone and not allowed him any playtime/TV, etc. Well done for the lecture/frog march/no more association with those boys - most parents I know are far too lax about dealing with bad behaviour.

ohnoshedittant · 28/03/2011 13:58

YABU hunger is not an appropriate punishment for a 7 year old or any child for that matter.

No treats/toys/tv/early bedtime/no friends to play for a week or so etc etc etc. can be used instead and are far more appropriate.

GooseyLoosey · 28/03/2011 13:59

YABU - but I can understand why. Bullying another child would be about the most serious offence I can imagine in our house and it can be really hard to think up appropriate sanctions. I find early bed times to be very effective.

DitheringDoofus · 28/03/2011 14:02

YABU - there are more appropriate punishments IMO. I could never withhold food from a seven year old - or any child for that matter. Sorry.

Hullygully · 28/03/2011 14:02

What you really want to achieve is for him to understand why his behaviour was wrong, and be strong enough not to do it again. Punishments are unlikely to achieve this.

mummytime · 28/03/2011 14:09

YABU - you had already punished him. Then the thing to do is when you are calmer to explain to him how the boy they were picking on felt. You could ground him until you can trust him. But the actions have nothing to do with eating.

A child won't die from not eating, but I can only imagine sending mine to bed with no tea if they: threw food around, were rude about food etc. Then if they were hungry later they might get one of: a very simple sandwich, a dry biscuit, an apple.

Punishments should be obviously linked to the crime. In fact I think the humiliation of being frog marched off by Mummy is probably bad enough, especially if accompanied by lots of disapproval.

ohnoshedittant · 28/03/2011 14:12

Also worth mentioning that at age 7 they can't fully understand the effect their behaviour has on others, they can't always fully empathise. Whilst his external behaviour was bullying, his thought process was probably more focussed on what he was doing rather than how he was making the other boy feel. Not that this makes it Ok obviously, just it may be more effective to sit down and calmy discuss what he was doing, why he was doing, what he should have done instead, how does he think the other child felt, how would he feel if someone behaved like that towards him etc.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/03/2011 14:32

YABU to withhold his supper.

But

You have taught your ds that if he behaves like a horrible little arse he runs the risk of angering his mother to the point at which she ceases to be entirely rational.

I'm not talking about losing it or being out of control. But I think rare lapses of reason are possibly a Good Thing.

mommmmyof2 · 28/03/2011 14:40

YABU as I think food is not a luxery.However I do agree that he should be punished.I just think there are better ways than withholding a meal.

gingeroots · 28/03/2011 14:50

What you really want to achieve is for him to understand why his behaviour was wrong, and be strong enough not to do it again. Punishments are unlikely to achieve this

Hullygully is spot on .
You really need to reflect on what you are doing ,punishment on punishment .
He's 7 ,not 17 ,you need to be helping him control the entirely understandable urge to join in ,not making him feel like the worst human being alive .
When he's in turmoil about something or thinks he's done something wrong/made an error - do you really think he'll feel able to turn to you for help and advice ?
Or do you think he'll wonder what gargantuan punishment you'll dream up and keep everything secret from you ?

menagerie · 28/03/2011 14:51

YANBU if this is a very, very unusual punishment, a real one-off. He won't starve overnight. Being a bit hungry never hurt anyone. (Very different from regularly withholding food, which is wicked.) You stood up against a really nasty bit of behaviour, and your strong reaction will show him you mean business. He'll never forget it. Good for you.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/03/2011 14:56

Couldn't agree more, menagerie

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