to send DS1 (age 7) to bed with no tea

[pingu2209]

My dh and I rowed over this (although he did stand by my decision infront of ds1). Dh thinks no child should go to bed hungary and as ds is only 7 he needs food to grow/learn. My view is it is only 1 meal but is 'painful' enough for ds to remember for a long while!

For normal naughtiness (like answering back or fighting with his siblings) I would say no tv for the evening or no ds for a specific time or sent to his room etc. However, I caught my ds1 and 4 other boys, picking on a boy from another school in the local park. It included fighting, swearing and squirting water from drinks bottles. I was horrified. To be fair on ds1 he was the last to join in but he did join in.

I told him off infront of all his friends and frog marched him home instantly. He is no longer allowed to mix with the other boys, which is hard for him as they all play football after school in the park and he really enjoys playing with them.

YABU. I would never starve a child as punishment; very Victorian! I think you did enough appropriate things already to make the point and teach the lesson.

But I guess its something he'll never forget now, and you've demonstrated to him that bullying is serious enough to merit unusually severe punishment.

I also agree that you need to help him develop strategies for getting out of these situations in the future.

The two approaches (Hully's and mine/OP's/menagerie's) are not mutually exclusive.

I would feel uncomfortable sending my children to bed without a meal. I think I would compromise by insisting that the child is excluded from the family meal (probably deliberately serving up their favourite dish) then at bedtime I would give them a drink such as complan. They won't see it as a meal but it would ensure that they haven't missed out on vital nutrients.

My mother used to make us go without food - it never taught us anything other than to think she was being mean

Agree with theory, gingeroots. But how do you teach a child to control the urge to join in? Or the urge to do what they want when it's not what you want them to do? (Go to bed, hold hands crossing road etc.)

Okay. Thanks for all the responses. Seems most of you agree with dh. I have never stopped him from having a meal before and may well think twice if, god forbid, he ever does it again.

The next day I did sit him down and ask him why he joined in. He said it was because his friend did. I said that fighting was unacceptable and he was still banned from playing with the 4 other boys.

Normal punishments start with - go to your room for x minutes. Then move on to no ds for x days. Finally no tv for x days.

However, as he has 2 younger siblings, no tv is actually quite difficult to achieve as the others watch first thing in the morning and late in the afternoon when they are tired. Those are the times of the day I am really busy and I can't ensure he doesn't sneak into the lounge and join them. I find it is more of a problem for me as I have to watch him like a hawk as well as get ready for school, cook dinner etc.

It's ongoing, isn't it MerryMarigold. When they're little, you insist they hold your hand and you explain why. Ditto bed.

DS is 10 now. He's had a few run ins recently with other boys when he's been playing out. Each time I've told him that in the future he should come home if he feels things are getting out of hand. Didn't really work the first time - or rather it took more than one incident for it to sink in. But a couple of days ago he did bring himself home saying the others were arguing and being stupid - for which I praised him to the hills.

merry - well it's a process isn't it ?
One which starts with talking about things like thinking about what you're doing and why you're doing it .
About not always following the crowd ,about how that might take confidence but that you don't have to go along with everyone else ,it's ok to make different choices and how sometimes it's good to have a get out excuse handy ,about putting yourself in someone else's shoes .
That kind of thing .

I do insist they hold my hand. But ds1 (who is 5 and should know better, knows it's dangerous but has never actually seen someone get runover) has started being silly and messing about near the edge of the road, and even ran in the other day, after which I completely lost it with him. But didn't really know how to punish it (or whether my shouting at him over it was enough). Felt I should do 'more' to show it is a VERY SERIOUS THING (like OP here), but I didn't. So was interested how you would deal with it. But thanks for advice on talking, we do do a fair bit anyway, I will try this more. Are there any good books out there to help?

Oh it's tough ...I think at 5 they're very young .
Could you maybe tell him something like his brain,s not grown up enough yet to know when he mustn't run out/ahead etc so he has to hold your hand .

But of course you can't reason about everything (life's too short for one thing ) sometimes it's just a question of them accepting that your're older and wiser and best listened to .

I think using food as a punishment is wrong. What the hell do you expect to teach him by witholding food??

Yabu I think your dh is right . It was a really mean thing to do.

YABU, food is a basic need.

What's wrong with giving him his tea then sending him to bed?

I send my kids to bed early if necessary but i always give them their dinner first.

If that was the worst punishment for him then it's ok. My son has been bullied twice and I wish the parents had been responsible like you. You have to make the point that his bad behaviour has consequences and in our house the consequence is usually withdrawal of something my dc like. Bullying is unacceptable and you were right to land on him like a tonne of bricks.

For goodness sake one meal is not going to hurt. My dc would refuse a meal at least once a week when they were toddlers and they have both grown to above average heights.

Don't think it's that bad as a one off for horrid behaviour. I prob would go with what eatyourveg said and give them something like bread and butter, just so they weren't hungry.
It's hard, especially when a lot of the time they don't seem to care if you take away treats and tv and so on, so it doesn't seem enough.

Also I doubt the child was starving. Most kids eat far more than they actually need in a day. One meal isn't starving the child.

I agree with the OP. YANBU. Especially in the case where he has been caught bullying.

I note a lot of posts above saying YABU. These posters need to grow up a little. If their DS was being bullied you would want to know that the parent had taken responsibility and handed out a punishment. Taking the TV away for an evening? Come on.

Well done OP.