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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should stay home?

39 replies

glub · 28/03/2011 11:57

my dp went out friday night, i went out saturday night (a rare thing for me) then sunday i figured we should spend together. he went out. only a couple of weeks ago he had plans to be out three nights in a row - i mentioned it might be a bit much and plans changed. but now it happens again.

also, aibu to think he CAN see his friends when he has the kids. i mean i have to! he says they do stuff (like drink or play computer games) which they can't do when the kids are there. but aibu to think he should use his imagination and find something new to do sometimes? and he uses this as an excuse to go out for the third night!

:(

OP posts:
DSM · 28/03/2011 12:03

Is this a regular occurrence or a one off?

If he is out three nights at the weekend consistently, then I'd say you have an issue. If it's a one off, then I dont think it's a big deal.

I more often go out with my friends without DS than with, as does DP, though it tends to be evening events anyway. We do family things when we can, but evenings out with friends are always (obviously) child free.

However, if your DP is out all weekend, every weekend I wouldn't put up with that.

GeekCool · 28/03/2011 12:18

When you say you 'figured' you should spend Sunday together, did you mention this to your DP?

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 12:41

well yeah i didn't say anything but i wasn't enthusiastic, sad face, asking if he'd be home, saying oh that'd be three nights, remember last time you were gonna be away for three nights... you know, hints lol. i didn't want to have to stop him so i didn't order him to stay in. i was a bit hungover too and thought i might just end up going to bed really early. and he doesn't like when i go to bed early and we hardly have any time to ourselves in the evening.

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Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 12:45

and well this is twice in the three weeks that we've been practically living together

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DSM · 28/03/2011 13:12

You've only been living together three weeks and he's been away for two of them?

What happened in the middle week? Is he possibly just taking time to integrate into cohabiting? Maybe he is finding it a challenge and needs space, I think you need to talk to him.

Also, I suggest not acting in a way that you think he should interpret - just say to him plainly that you would like to spend the day together. He may not be picking up these signals.

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 13:27

in the middle week i didn't go out and he managed to go out on nights that weren't all in a row.
i am trying to talk. it's difficult when i hear things like 'you don't appreciate that i let you go out' (what, like i let him all the time) and 'i reckon i do more around the house than you do' (when i'm a sahm). it's a joke. now he's talking about splitting up. yay. and he is picking up the signals alright. i have tried to be clearer with him about everything. he ignores it. i might not have said it but he knows i wanted him to stay in that night. i'm off to sulk for a bit.

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fedupofnamechanging · 28/03/2011 13:27

It's early days and I think you need to get the ground rules established now, before going out every weekend becomes his usual behaviour. The point of moving in together is to be together and do things as a family. I'm not saying you have to be joined at the hip, but it's not the same as being single and hanging out with your friends all weekend (especially if you have children).

I don't think making sad faces and dropping hints is going to help you much. Some people are totally oblivious to hints, particularly when it suits them to be.

State what you want and expect clearly and honestly and ask him to do the same. You need to have (or at least be aware of) each others expectations and if you find they don't match at all,then the sooner you discover that, the better.

ilovesooty · 28/03/2011 14:00

I agree with karmabeliever. Why are you dropping hints and sulking? Tell him clearly how you feel and then perhaps you can negotiate like two adults.

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:02

dropping hints as a. i didn't want to tell him what to do and have him resent me for it, b. hungover and poss in need of an early night and c. he does not like it i get all tired and need to go to bed early he thinks that since he is there i should stay up regardless. this may have led to another argument so i wanted it to be his choice to avoid this argument. hints worked enough for him to know i would've liked him to be home that night.

sulking yes my relationship is pretty dead. we were supposed to be moving in together. i'm screwed. we have been texting all afternoon though.

but i do see what you're all saying. i do feel it's just early days and we need to adjust and from now on i shall be clearer than i've ever been. i have suggested we try organising our week a little with regard to things like nights out, time together, time with kids, and the housework so we know where we stand and it's not all random, which is making me feel really unsettled and so i do take to moaning a bit which he says is one of the problems. this was met with three words 'not gonna happen'. any tips on getting him to be clear? he's not keen on explaining himself... asking him directly to do so rarely works.

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Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:05

just thinking i should probably be over in relationships now not aibu lol

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ENormaSnob · 28/03/2011 16:06

How long have you been together?

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:10

a year.

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nickelbabyhatcher · 28/03/2011 16:14

i'm hoping this question isn't relevant, but whose are the kids?
are they yours, his or joint?

reason i'm asking is because maybe (if they're yours) he's trying to make sure you don't automatically make him the "babysitter"

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:15

lol. they are both ours.

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FabbyChic · 28/03/2011 16:16

Men generally don't do kids and going out, and I agree that children should not be around alcohol. Why can't he have free time to do what he wishes to do? Is he tied to your apron strings?

nickelbabyhatcher · 28/03/2011 16:18

in that case, he's being unreasonable.
he should take equal responsibility for the children.

You do need to sit him down and talk about this - when it's not a "night out" day.

I think once a fortnight is more than enough for a man with PR.

randomimposter · 28/03/2011 16:23

Am I being dim?
you've been together a year and you already have 2 kids together?

Or you mean one is yours/one his?

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:24

no but i wouldn't mind sitting down for a meal with him or having a chat or having him in my bed after two days and nights doing other things, and the next day being another work day...

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Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:27

jollster, yes 'ours' as in we made both of them together!

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randomimposter · 28/03/2011 16:29

so newborn twins then? You must have your handsful...!

nickelbabyhatcher · 28/03/2011 16:29

i'm assuming they're twins?

Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:30

oh i lie we had a quick lunch together with the kids. oh well we are gonna have a talk this evening.

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Original poster
glub · 28/03/2011 16:32

no, not twins. we were friends before...

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nickelbabyhatcher · 28/03/2011 16:33

ah....

well, good luck with the talk - it can be hard when you first move intogehter - but he really does need to take responsibilty

randomimposter · 28/03/2011 16:33