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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend I'm sick so I don't have to go to my best friends birthday?

36 replies

JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 14:56

I know it sounds really bad but I'm skint :( My birthday was in November and I have a close group of 5 friends (including me) One of them didn't come and only one of them even bothered to get me a card let alone a present. I felt hurt as I had made the effort to go to all there birthdays and bought them all quite nice presents (wasn't so cash strapped then) and when it came to mine no one gave a crap. Anyways its my closest friends birthday this friday and she's organized a big night out involving quite a but of expense. I can't afford to go and get her a present this week as its my ds's 4th birthday on saturday and obviously any money I have will be spent on his day out/presents. I honestly can't just tell her the truth as she wouldn't understand because in out group everone has different versions on skint. When I say I'm broke I mean completely and utterly broke or that the money I do have is for bills etc. When my friends say there broke they mean they have about ?50. Anyways so with all this going on would it be really U to pretend I have a bug and not go but make it up to her in a few weeks when I'm back on my feet?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/03/2011 15:00

Yeah just say you're sick. It's only a birthday...not the be all and end all for an adult.

amummyinwaiting · 27/03/2011 15:01

I think thats fine!Not U at time as long as no way you will be caught out and do someting nice few weeks time.

eatyourveg · 27/03/2011 15:02

YANBU - I think lots of us have been in your shoes.

Apologize, say you are not feeling up to it and promise her a cup of tea and a biscuit sometime soon when you want to hear all about it.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 15:03

The reason its really bothering me is its her 21st, We all turned 21 in the last year thats why I was so annoyed that no one made the effort for my birthday.

OP posts:
beesimo · 27/03/2011 15:03

Don't pretend to have a bug all lies and deceptions are toxic in a friendship, if she finds out later she will be hurt and if she dosen't I think you will start to feel guilty over it. Either way it will fester.

Simply tell her you can't afford it but as soon as you can you will do something else with her. Honesty is the best policy always. Make sure you send her a nice card.

atswimtwolengths · 27/03/2011 15:09

This friend whose party it is - did she give you a card/present when it was your birthday?

Original poster
JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 15:13

atswimwolengths no it was a different friend who gave me the card and present. I know this may seem like the reason I'm not making an effort but honestly its not.

I can't tell her the truth because I know all my friends will slag me for not making the effort or borrowing money. Most of them are students so they they think they know better then anyone how hard it is to be skint and still manage to go out.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/03/2011 15:15

If you're skint then you're skint end of.

Just make sure you don't go out anywhere when you're supposed to be ill and no-one will know.

There's more to true friendship than turning up for a birthday bash.

CheekyLittleSox · 27/03/2011 15:18

Why not just say you wont be going as its your DS birthday the day after and you have planned a day out leaving early and if you go out on the friday night you will be in no fit state the next day Wink

poochela · 27/03/2011 15:18

yep, I'd say be honest. Take a lovely card and a nice sticky bun from the bakery with a birthday candle in it and tell her you wanted to wish her a happy birthday. Give her a great big hug and tell her you really can't afford a big flash nite out right now what with your little lad's birthday coming up.

A friend should be ok with that.

Violethill · 27/03/2011 15:18

Is she's your best friend, surely you can explain youre skint, and suggest something nice the two of you can do that won't break the bank?

As worraliberty says, there's more to real friendship than spending loads on a night out.

I don't think it says much about the friendship if you pretend to be ill tbh

scuzy · 27/03/2011 15:20

can you not go have one drink and take her aside and say you have to go. tell her you literally havent a penny but didnt want to let her down and came out to say happy birthday. she's supposed to be your best friend. we have all been in that boat me included but i do tell them cant go cos i havent money this week. my friends often do a night in on the cheap cos of it ... and i appreciate them thinking of me knowing i cant always go out on the lash. just tell her ... if she deosnt understand then she's not much of a friend i'm sorry to say.

and i know what you mean but we dont give presents to get them back! learn next time to keep presents more low key.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 15:22

It probably doesn't say much about our friendship tbh but its the way things are I'm afraid. She might understand but I really don't see it happening as I've been to everyone else's birthday party/night out.

OP posts:
everythingchangeseverything · 27/03/2011 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 15:24

Scuzy thats a really good post but I couldn't just go for the one drink because the place shes going to is a good 20mins away so I'd have to get a taxi there and back. We don't have buses i our area :(

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/03/2011 15:28

Honey if you can waffle it and say you are sick do that. If it makes things easier for you that is the best thing you can do.

scuzy · 27/03/2011 15:28

well sure listen ring her and tell her. dont text. ring her and explain and offer to cook her dinner some evening with a cheap bottle vino to celebrate. explain your situation, tell her you wish her a good night and you want to hear all the gossip tomorrow and will meet up soon! its reasonable explanation and if it were me would totally understand. if she gets the hump let her be. but be honest .... would definetely be worse if it got out your not sick. believe me it wont be the last time you (or any of us) have to excuse ourselves from situations as we dont have funds. start now. nothing to be ashamed of. be honest! you'll feel better for it.

ilovesooty · 27/03/2011 15:35

I agree with those who say you should be honest about why you're not going. It isn't much of a friendship if you lie. I'd sooner have a friend who was honestly skint than one who was a liar.

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2011 15:38

they don't sound like very good friends tbh - do you enjoy your friendship?

scuzy · 27/03/2011 15:39

maybe she'll surprise you say she didnt realise and that she will meet up with you again and do something else together. just be honest!!

FabbyChic · 27/03/2011 15:41

The OP does not want to be honest, because she knows they will not understand, Im not sure if people actually read what is written here.

She can't tell them the truth as they won't understand.

There said it twice.

scuzy · 27/03/2011 15:44

fabbychic doesnt mean its better to lie.

ilovesooty · 27/03/2011 17:10

Yes, fabbychic: I read it. I still don't think it's better to lie. If the friendship won't stand the truth it isn't much of a friendship.

manicinsomniac · 27/03/2011 17:44

These girls don't sound like great friends tbh - they didn't acknowledge your bday at all? I know it's not all about presents but a bit of attention or at least a card is normal with people you consider to be your closest friends isn't it?!

And if they can't understand that you have difficulties with mney and a 4 year old to provide for then that's quite shallow - are you the only parent in your friendship group?

If they're going to be that shallow and non-understanding then yeah, I think you can lie and say you're sick. It's not ideal but they've driven you to it.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 18:17

Thanks FabbyChic thats exactly why I feel I have to lie because they just won't understand. Its not ideal and if I felt able to tell the truth I would but its not that simple although I really do appreciate what everyone is saying and normally I would be the person telling someone like me to tell the truth.

manicinsomniac they can be very judge mental at times although when I have really needed them I suppose they have been there for me but tbh honest they could be more supportive. I am the only parent in our immediate group although we are all friendly with quite a few people with children.

OP posts: