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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think "rehearsal dinners"are a ridiculous concept?

77 replies

twilight3 · 26/03/2011 13:32

unless I have not fully understood what it's all about.

In all american movies and sit-coms where there's a wedding they have a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, where the hosts welcome their guests and thank them for coming, and then the best man and bridesmaid make a speech about the couple etc.

Is this just to practice for the wedding reception following evening??? And the, 24 hours later, they will welcome for real their guests AGAIN and make the heartwarming speaches that everyone has already heard the night before???

AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 29/03/2011 06:26

Oooh, what thread? And Finns are great ....like lots of Minnesotans that's what I am. :)

thumbwitch · 30/03/2011 01:17

I thought it was standard practice for any church wedding to ask you to come for a rehearsal before hand - just makes it easier on the day! My sis got married in a Methodist Chapel = rehearsal; one of my best friends got married in a tiny CofE church = rehearsal. Registry Offices don't ask for all the wedding party to come to a rehearsal but the bridal couple still has a chat with the registrar ahead of time to tell them what's going to happen.

I can't see the issue of feeding people after they've traipsed over to the church the day before the wedding being a problem, I really can't.

The only film I can recall seeing where there is speechifying at the rehearsal dinner is The Wedding Date, which is set in England anyway, with guests from both America and the UK.

MDS - if you go for Swiss, you'll have to pick German-Swiss, French-Swiss or Italian-Swiss - sure you want to?

MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2011 04:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisianthus · 30/03/2011 07:20

What Madame Deathstare said. YABU.

Actually, looking at Bathsheba's helpful explanation re using it as a way to share costs (if the couple aren't paying) and limit invitees in a kind and non-obvious way, it seems like a great idea that would solve a lot of the issues that come up on wedding threads time and time again on MN.

Katiepoes · 30/03/2011 10:22

Quick aside - a rehearsal of the ceremony is not such a bad thing, after ours we marched proudly back down the aisle, only to remember at the end that the door was at the side. We stood there like twits for a minute and then sheepishly went half way back up and out again. A rehearsal would have saved that moment of duh - kindly captured by about five video cameras.

working9while5 · 30/03/2011 10:41

We had a rehearsal for our church ceremony - I come from a Catholic background and was marrying into an Anglican family so it was useful for everyone to know what would happen and when etc. The family had dinner immediately after the "rehearsal" - family and immediate wedding party, no cake, no speeches. Dh's family paid for this meal, mine paid for the wedding meal the next day. Nothing that ridiculous about it!

lurkerspeaks · 30/03/2011 11:23

I don't understand why people think they are such a strange modern convention.

I've been out for dinner on the evening before the wedding virtually everytime I've been closely involved ie. bridesmaid, doing a reading etc.

If it has been a church wedding then this will have been after the rehearsal. Sometimes it has been close friends/ family and sometimes it has just been friends, but crossing the bride/ groom divide, with the parental generation doing their own thing.

My friends are pretty scattered and attending weddings means that many of us have travelled a long way and we don't get to see each other that often anymore. Increasingly we don't know the bride/grooms friends at all as because we no longer live close by we don't socialise together much. It is a good way to catch up and meet the other people who will be important in the couples life in the future.

Another increasingly common occurrence is an informal meal eg. BBQ lunch, brunch or spit roast often at the bride/ grooms parents house on the day after the wedding.

One of my university friends mother (a veteran of 4 daughters getting married) says it is the event she likes the most. The guests tend to dribble in and out so she gets a chance to chat properly, people are often a bit hung over so not on their best behaviour and it gives her a chance to reconnect with people who have been important to her daughters for years but who she, personally, hasn't actually spent much time with.

ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 11:26

Ooh you're in Minn CheerfulYank! I lived there for a couple of years when I was a kid :)

CheerfulYank · 30/03/2011 13:13

Which part? I love it here :)

Bubbaluv · 30/03/2011 23:00

OP do you still think they are ridiculous?

EmmaBemma · 31/03/2011 07:31

It's not a "rehearsal dinner" exactly, it's just a dinner after the rehearsal of the ceremony, so called a rehearsal dinner for convenience. We didn't have one - instead we all decorated the village hall we were having the reception in - but I can see why they're a good idea and it's never occured to me to be annoyed about them?

EveWasFramed72 · 31/03/2011 08:39

I kind of agree that rehearsal dinners can be OTT (and most of the ones you see on American TV are of that OTT variety).

We had a rehearsal at the church, which was helpful for everyone, and it actually allowed our pastor (and us) to hear the ceremony, and make changes, if necessary.

Since my DH is British and I'm American, getting together after the rehearsal (one of my close relatives hosted a traditional American barbeque for us all), it was a really relaxed and fun way for our families to meet and get to know each other.

It doesn't have to be fancier than the wedding...we wore normal summer attire, very casual, and I remember very clearly being VERY hungover from my hen night which was the day before! :)

MadamDeathstare · 31/03/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbaluv · 01/04/2011 05:06

But did the human centipedes have rehearsal dinners? I think that might be a key factor in deciding if the concept is ridiculous or not. Was Arnie there? Was he best man and did he make a speech?

TattyDevine · 01/04/2011 07:13

I was nervous as hell on my wedding day (of making a mistake as opposed to actually getting married) so it would have been awful if we hadn't had a rehersal.

It was funny though, at the actual wedding rehersal we did the walk up the aisle thing, and went through the vows bit and she (the vicar) had to stop otherwise we'd be married. Because that's all it takes really...2 consenting people, some witnesses, and a sequence of words being said by them and the vicar. Seems too easy really! (I think there is some kind of legal requirement for either banns or superintendant registrars certificate / licence type thing as well but of course we had that so if she hadn't stopped where we did we would have been married on that Thursday night)

Original poster

twilight3 · 01/04/2011 07:34

I think this thread has gone a bit beyond the point.

I understood rehearsal dinners to be as I view them on tv, given that I was draged to my own wedding and didn't even put a dress on (although I did have my jeans and top on, wasn't completely naked).

I already stated that a dinner after the rehearsal ceremony is different to a rehearsal dinner. My OP starts with the phrase "unless I have not understood", which clearly I hadn't and now I do.

Is there anyone ANYONE here who deson't think that to actually REHEARSE the reception would be weird and ridiculous?

And Madam, are you comparing vampires and easter bunnies to rehearsal dinners???!!!! So if you knew nothing about, let's say, Kenya, and you watched a film about a couple falling in love and getting married (no aliens or vampires involved) wouldn't you consider the customs surrounding the wedding to be representative of Kenyan customs? I'm just saying....

OP posts:

Katiepoes · 01/04/2011 09:14

So you see a movie or TV show and consider it to be a real representation of a custom? You are for sure being unreasonable.

cloudydays · 01/04/2011 12:05

You asked whether you were being unreasonable for calling another culture's custom "ridiculous" before you bothered to understand what that custom actually was.

Some people took offense, said that you were being unreasonable, and explained why.

There's nothing "a bit beyond the point" about that response.

confuddledDOTcom · 01/04/2011 12:14

Tatty, you'd have only been married if you'd have also signed the register! A couple with their minister thought that, they didn't have the proper paperwork with them so it was decided they'd sign later, they got in a lot of trouble and their marriage was not valid.

Twilight, I haven't seen anyone say that rehearsal dinners rehearse the reception, other than you. Americans on the thread have stated it's just the name for the meal after the rehearsal where everyone who has been gets together to get to know each other or catch up and eat together before the wedding.

Original poster

twilight3 · 01/04/2011 12:24

cloudy, I stated on the OP (for those who actually understood it) that I think it's ridiculous to "rehearse" the dinner i.e. reception. Did I not?

I also, stated that this was my understanding of it. Did I not?

Later, when people explained what a rehearsal dinner is, which is not the way movies present it IMO, I understood and stated so DID I NOT?

I thought that was the end of it. Since then there've been people coming on here telling me how I'm ridiculing another nations traditions (?????) and explaining AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN what a rehearsal dinner is.

I honestly don't see what's so difficult to understand in the OP!!!

I think people should read what other people write other than what they think that other people write

I'm hiding this thread now, because it really has gone beyond its point and its boring me to death

OP posts:

confuddledDOTcom · 01/04/2011 12:38

You seem to be the only person who understands them to be a rehearsal of the reception. That's what people are finding difficult to understand. Even if it was true, it's an American tradition and you said it's ridiculous so you can't argue you're not ridiculing their traditions.

cloudydays · 01/04/2011 13:37

I started a response but I couldn't put it any better than confuddled.

Next time I find that I've been wrong about something, maybe I'll try saying "yes, but you're missing the point, wouldn't I be right if it WAS the way it isn't?!"

scatteredbraincells · 01/04/2011 13:45

I see what

scatteredbraincells · 01/04/2011 13:48

what happened there?

I see what twilight is saying... No, I don't think it's a ridiculous concept but she did explain what she THOUGHT it was, I don't see why people took offense. Plus, you can't really offend a tradition that doesn't exist, right?

MadamDeathstare · 01/04/2011 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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