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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think "rehearsal dinners"are a ridiculous concept?

77 replies

twilight3 · 26/03/2011 13:32

unless I have not fully understood what it's all about.

In all american movies and sit-coms where there's a wedding they have a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, where the hosts welcome their guests and thank them for coming, and then the best man and bridesmaid make a speech about the couple etc.

Is this just to practice for the wedding reception following evening??? And the, 24 hours later, they will welcome for real their guests AGAIN and make the heartwarming speaches that everyone has already heard the night before???

AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 26/03/2011 16:23

Okay, first of all, does British film represent how the UK actually is? No? Then why are you basing this on US film?!?

Second of all, it is not the dinner that is a rehearsal. Some US churches/whatever insist on a rehearsal of the ceremony. The rehearsal is the ceremony. The dinner is simply called that to indicate it is after the ceremony rehearsal.

Yes, sometimes there are speeches. But usually done by people who do not do a speech at the wedding reception.

Don't use US Media to = US life. You'll think exactly what you are thinking. And you'd be wrong.

cocoachannel · 26/03/2011 16:36

I've been to two rehearsal dinners; one in the US and one in Australia. Both were an opportunity for the bride and groom to have a relaxed evening with close friends and family before the frenzy of the big day when if a big wedding there's lots of people who'll want to speak to the couple.

cocoachannel · 26/03/2011 16:40

Twilight- I know a number of English couples who have had full on Indian weddings lasting five days and incorporating most of the same traditions as would be seen in India, including the 100s of guests for certain parts of the event! Didn't seem at all 'weird'!

BigChiefOrganiser · 26/03/2011 16:42

Rehersal of the ceremony is a good idea. Someone went to a wedding on Wednesday, the B&G were both waiting up the front together, while the bride said I do, the Groom said yes, sir and when it came to the rings, they already had them on! However, how many people haven't seen enough TV weddings to get a sense of how the basics of the ceremony are supposed to go?

TattyDevine · 26/03/2011 18:37

We had a rehersal dinner. Basically, we had a wedding rehersal at the church on the Thursday night before my wedding which was on a Saturday. The church was in a different location to where everyone was from (London, and the wedding was in Devon), so everyone arrived that night at their respective hotels for the wedding rehersal (bridesmaids, groomsmen etc) and me and my parents, who are from abroad, travelled down there.

So the rehersal happened late afternoon, and rather than be poor hosts and not provide dinner, we booked a room in a restaurant and fed everybody. It was the least we could do considering everyone had basically taken an extended weekend to be part of our wedding party. It was also an opportuinty for the bridesmaids to meet the groomsmen etc for the first time, and my parents to meet the bridesmaids and groomsmen for the first time.

My parents also were able to meet my parents in law for the first time.

If we hadn't had the rehersal dinner, then my parents would have turned up at the wedding not knowing who my in laws were, or the names of my bridesmaids or the ushers etc.

We referred to it as the "rehersal dinner" because it was about 10 minutes after the rehersal ended.

Not sure why any of that is hard to understand.

Carrotsandcelery · 26/03/2011 18:46

I have only been to one and basically the idea was that everyone who had travelled the day before to attend the wedding should all eat together in a less formal way rather than all sitting in the same hotel, where no one but guests were staying, but all eating at separate tables.
TBH it was lovely. The bride made an informal speech and they bride and groom exchanged gifts but otherwise it was very informal. We had our dd with us and she enjoyed the day after better as she was more familiar with everyone and had got over her shyness.

JiminyCricket · 26/03/2011 18:48

yes awful idea i had the biggest blazing stand up row with my father and spent the rest of the evening sobbing and barely forgave him before he walked me up the aisle (had never argued before) life's too short we got over it...but my advice is see nobody the evening before

Makingaminime · 27/03/2011 02:19

Well, I went to my wedding rehearsal. And it was not in the slightest bit ridiculous. Not only was it incredibly useful, it was also mandatory in the church I married in. So YABU to think that all wedding rehearsals are ridiculous.

nailak · 27/03/2011 02:26

while we are on the topic...

what is this cocktail hour before the reception? with a massive buffet? is it because everyone is not invited to reception or is it just a poncey american thin?

confuddledDOTcom · 27/03/2011 02:35

My church does rehearsals as well, I thought it was standard for church weddings. My OH is a little confused about the idea though.

It's not the whole wedding, you practice walking in (because not everyone is used to slow march - at my first wedding Dad and I did slow march better than the lady showing us how to do it and she didn't like the way we did it but we couldn't have done it her way having done it for most of our lives in the Brigades) the vows and go through other things in the ceremony so you know who is standing where or doing what etc.

At my second wedding next year we will all be going to the hotel afterwards and shall be having dinner together so it will be the rehearsal dinner.

iscream · 27/03/2011 03:43

I thought it was the regular thing to have a dinner and drinks after the rehearsal. I have never been a part of a church wedding that didn't have a rehearsal. However, I have never been to a formal rehearsal dinner that included anyone other than the wedding party and close family members. As we ourselves had a registry wedding, I was thankful of the chance to "rehearse" (have been matron of honour often) the ceremony.

iscream · 27/03/2011 03:45

PS Usually (well, always in the cases of people we know ) the rehearsal "dinner" consisted of gathering at someone home or a local bar for drinks and munchies, rather than an actual dinner.

bruffin · 27/03/2011 10:17

On Ace of Cakes (true life programme about a baltimore bakers) there have been couples that have ordered a cake for their rehearsal dinner (min £1000) on top of the wedding cake.
One couple decided to surprise each other and ended up with 2 cakes!

BrandyAlexander · 27/03/2011 10:36

As someone else said, it's normal in the catholic church to have a rehearsal to run through the ceremony, which on the day lasts an hour, it is different to a normal mass and there are different things for everyone to remember to do, so it make sense to have a run through. I married a non-catholic and his family were involved in readings so it made sense for them to know where to go and stand as they had never been involved in a catholic ceremony.

After the rehearsal we all had dinner, so a dinner on the night of the rehearsal, which if you shorten it becomes the "rehersal dinner", it's not about rehearsing the party which is on the following day. It allowed the wedding party to have a nice meal together the night before, was efficient as otherwise people would have had to go home and get dinner for themselves, and also allowed us to thank people - no speeches though! We also included family who had travelled long distances and got there the night before. It wasn't a big lavish affair (as that was the following day) but a small family dinner.

mummytime · 27/03/2011 10:38

But "Ace of Cakes" is no more RL normal america than any other TV. I still remember the secret millionaire one, where a girl's idea of a date was to go shopping for outfits for her dog. Most American's aren't like this, any more than most Brits living in crumbling castles.

Lets be honest UK weddings have got a bit out of hand too. When I was very very little, it was normal to have the reception in the parents house, or the function room of a pub, or a church hall. The Catering would be mainly home done. Presents would be household goods, because the couple were moving into their first home and would need them (although sometimes they still had to put up with parents spare room for a while).

cloudydays · 27/03/2011 10:49

Re: the cocktail hour that some couples have, Nailak , it's just a way to keep guests entertained (and plied with food with drink) while photographs are being taken and they're waiting around for the reception to begin. It's not about being "poncey," it's about being considerate and being a good host.

Not everyone has a cocktail hour, because as I imagine we all know, America is geographically vast and ethnically, culturally, and economically diverse, and there is therefore no one "American style" of rehearsal dinner or cocktail hour or wedding. Not everyone could afford a "massive buffet," nor would everyone want one.

In my experience, the cocktail hour has nothing to do with people not being invited to the whole reception; I have never known of an American wedding where people were invited to only part of the day. I know that this is a much more accepted practice in the UK and Ireland, yet many Americans would feel that it would be quite rude to make a distinction between the "A" list and the "B" list when inviting people to celebrate your day. But of course, it would be small minded and xenophobic for them to apply what's appropriate by their culture's standards, to the customs of another culture.

In regard to the custom that the OP is (firstly dismissing as "ridiculous" and only then ) asking about, the rehearsal aspect is to do with the wedding ceremony, not the meal, as others have already said. The meal follows as a natural opportunity to do something nice for people who have traveled, or who have helped to plan the big day. And sometimes there are speeches in which those people are actually thanked by the bride and groom. How ridiculous.

But yes, it's an American tradition that differs somewhat from British traditions, and therefore it's fair game for ridicule on MN.

BrandyAlexander · 27/03/2011 11:04

nailak, while we had our photos taken, we had a champagne reception with hors d'oeuvres which allowed our guests to mingle, not be bored while we did the photos and they waited their turn to be invited to participate in the photos. I should also say that I have been at weddings where the couple have taken what seemed like forever to do the photos, in the meanwhile we were all starving and bored. I was keen to avoid the same thing at our wedding and look after our guests. Judging by the number of bottles of champagne that our guests managed to pack away in that hour, they didn't say anything if they thought it was poncey!

CheerfulYank · 28/03/2011 23:46

It's just for the wedding party usually. You go to the church, run through it a bit, and then go to dinner. Groom's family usually pays. It's a good time. :) I don't think it's ridiculous, it's just something apparently not done in the UK.

Oh, and sometimes it's a very low key affair, i.e. a picnic or barbecue.

scotsgirl23 · 29/03/2011 01:23

I think rehearsals are fairly standard - we had a church wedding and had one, didn't actually say the vows but ran through everything, who would be where etc just to make sure everything ran smoothly, vicar knew who all the important people were, things like that.

It also made sense for us as we had a LOT of problematic relatives to deal with - meant we could plan where to put them, delegate ushers to keep them apart......

And then we went for dinner afterwards with the bridesmaids, ushers, best man and parents. I don't think any of that is ridiculous!

(also gave MIL and step-MIL a chance to come face to face and get most of their snarling out of the way before the actual wedding day....just as well as they nearly had a fight over ordering bread "for the table", lol)

MadamDeathstare · 29/03/2011 04:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 29/03/2011 05:03

Where are you from again Madam ? You can PM me if you want :) I know what you mean, I just stumbled on a two year old thread talking about how all Americans are crazy Bible-thumpers, especially those in the MidWest.

Don't. Knock. The. Mid. West.

Unfortunately, as I said, it was an old thread so I couldn't go all Minnesota Un Nice on the poster.

MadamDeathstare · 29/03/2011 05:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 29/03/2011 05:19

Oh, well, the South ... :o

Normally I really don't care, because of course we've got our own misconceptions about people from the UK, but for some reason the tone of this post really irritated me. Ah well.

Bubbaluv · 29/03/2011 05:22

They are quite common here in Aus too. Really just for the bridal party and family and maybe a few people who had come a particularly long way and were there early enough.
It's not to practise the reception, it is to thank people who have bothered to not only make the effort to come to your actual wedding but to come to the rehearsal to make sure all goes smoothly for YOU.
The wedding's I've seen in US films etc have been pretty much along these lines.
YABU.
I find the English tradition of the wedding ceremony, breakfast, evening etc all being regarded as separate events with different guests etc to be very odd, but it's just because it's not what I'm used to.

MadamDeathstare · 29/03/2011 06:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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