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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that Ex and OW can take a hike when they refer to her as my kids step mum

60 replies

Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 13:27

Given that both of them have divorced parents who are remarried (one for the third time) and NEITHER ex or OW refer to anyone as a step parent. Ex H has always declared that his fathers wife was 'nothing' to him.
Yet they have asked my children to call her their step mum ? (Which the kids refuse to do thus far, given that they are still devastated by what has happened)

OP posts:
SueWhite · 26/03/2011 13:28

Well if they are married then she IS their stepmother

If they aren't, she isn't.

BertieBasset · 26/03/2011 13:29

What sort of time scale here since the split?

4FoxAche · 26/03/2011 13:29

Well, it depends on how long they've been together/married because even if she isn't now, she may well become their step-mum.

Certainly no need for your children to call her step-mum though, especially if they don't feel comfortable with it so YANBU.

Original poster
Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 13:30

Not married and he left 3 months ago.

OP posts:
moondog · 26/03/2011 13:30

God, how unbelievable.

thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 13:31

Agree - if the DC don't want to call her stepmum then there is SFA she can do about it.

OTOH, if your ex and the OW are married, then legally she is their step mum and their is SFA any of you can do about it, sorry.

SueWhite · 26/03/2011 13:31

well then it would be a little premature to call her their stepmother, to say the least...

just say 'well we're not sure how long you're going to last, and don't want to confuse the kids'

BluddyMoFo · 26/03/2011 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 13:31

xposted - yes, he can fuck right off then - far too soon to be going that route!

BluddyMoFo · 26/03/2011 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SueWhite · 26/03/2011 13:32

I call my dad's partner my stepmother too, but they have been together for years and years. I know she isn't legally, but I call her it to recognise the solidity of their relationship

Hereforlife · 26/03/2011 13:34

Does getting married make someone a stepmum or dad?

As far as my children are concerned they have 2 parents.
Ex has a partner but they are not a step, they are ex's partner.

If one parent isn't involved I can see the partner becoming a step-mum or dad, but apart from that IMO they are not a parent.

coccyx · 26/03/2011 13:34

bit early yet but in time i am sure she will be called stepmum

Northernlurker · 26/03/2011 13:35

I think they don't have be married to use step mum term but after an exclusive relationship of three months they are pushing it! How long was he seeing her behind your back though? Bet that's what he's thinking about - that it's a long term thing for him. Pretty fucked up imo.......

Original poster
Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 13:36

The affair was going on for a lot longer though. Feels like a kick in the stomach though, especially given his attitude to his own step mother Sad
Suewhite - have tried a reasonable dialogue - apparently I have 'no right to comment'

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofDenial · 26/03/2011 13:37

YANBU Three months is way too soon. It's up to the DC when they want to call her SM and that may be never.

4FoxAche · 26/03/2011 13:37

Yeah, I call my mums partner step-dad even though they are not married but they've been together 11yrs.

I didn't refer to my dp's son as step-son until I had my own son and knew we where in it for the long haul.

Dp and I have been together 3 yrs now and Dss doesn't refer to me as his step-mum but that's fine by me. He can refer to me as whatever he feels comfortable with.

After 3 months though I'd tell them to, what's the phrase? Fuck the fuck off and when they get there fuck off some more?

Northernlurker · 26/03/2011 13:39

Oh great - he's living in total la-la land isn't he?

SueWhite · 26/03/2011 13:42

whenever they mention it just say 'we'll see'. Refuse to elaborate.

Original poster
Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 13:45

Northern - totally -the LaLa land where she 'understands' him cos he hasn't thumped her yet Hmm
Suewhite - am not going to get into any discussions with him as there is NO point but the problem is he's told the children that she is their step mum.

OP posts:
clam · 26/03/2011 13:50

Next time he says you have "no right to comment," point out that it is very much in his interests to keep you on side if he's wanting to play happy families with his OW. Let him work out what you mean by that.
The thing is, you could make a difference as to how your kids view the OW. Don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to bury them both under the patio, but your ex is being very foolish by winding you up further about it.

zest01 · 26/03/2011 17:30

She is their step Mum when they want her to be. It could be after 3 months, 3 years or never. Whether they are married or not doesn't matter and what you, he or she want doesn't either.

marmaladetwatkins · 26/03/2011 17:31

Cheeky bitch/bastard.

Sleepdisorderordv · 26/03/2011 17:34

That is awful and ridiculous on their parts. DH and I weren't the OW/M and we were at least 18 months into our relationship and engaged when either if us referred to the other as SM or SD. No consideration at all for you let alone the DC Sad

babylann · 26/03/2011 17:36

Horrible!