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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that Ex and OW can take a hike when they refer to her as my kids step mum

60 replies

Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 13:27

Given that both of them have divorced parents who are remarried (one for the third time) and NEITHER ex or OW refer to anyone as a step parent. Ex H has always declared that his fathers wife was 'nothing' to him.
Yet they have asked my children to call her their step mum ? (Which the kids refuse to do thus far, given that they are still devastated by what has happened)

OP posts:
Drizzela · 26/03/2011 17:39

IME children don't address sep parents as 'step mum' but they find it helpful to have a way to describe them.. i.e if she is married to his dad it may be nicer for everyone if she was step-mum rather than 'Dad's girlfriend' or wife... Does it really matter? youre their mum, that wont change.

I'd object to 'mum' but not step mum. It means nothing.

Anyway, it should be up to the children.

Drizzela · 26/03/2011 17:42

Goodness, 3 months... ridiculous, how unfair on your children to get them attached to a woman they've only just met.

beesimo · 26/03/2011 17:45

This is truly pathetic of XH just let it go over your head OP.

I suspect this will be the first step mum in a very long line!

Original poster
Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 17:51

They haven't met her yet Drizella - she lives hundreds of miles away - ex tried to get the kids to talk to her on skype but eldest refused and the little ones followed suit. I think it's okay to say that ultimately it's up to the kids, but they are still so young (all under 7) and I think it's unfair of them to 'tell' him she's their step mum. I know from previous MN threads that there are some people vociferous in their defence of OW who become step mums and I want to avoid being told about how it's non of my business and it's not up to me. This woman has no children, she's happily allowed ex to rip mine and the kids hearts out and it does actually physically hurt to envisage them having some sort of cosy discussion about her becoming ANY sort of mum to my babies Sad Logically of course I know that I'm their mummy and I always will be but I just wish that loves young dreamers would show a tiny bit of sensitivity until some of the hurt starts to heal.

OP posts:
babylann · 26/03/2011 18:00

Sapphire I don't know anything about other threads where people talk about OWs etc in regard to becoming step parents, and luckily I've not been in that position myself before. But even just thinking about it fills me with dread. DP's parents broke up when he was a baby and they both remarried and he calls both step-parents "mum" and "dad" and, though I think it's really good for him that he had so much love when he was younger, I can't help being terrified of my DD ever calling another woman "mum". And if we broke up in the circumstances you have had to go through, the idea of him expecting DD to have any relationship with her at all would be enough to make me sob uncontrollably, which may be selfish but would be my natural reaction.

You are 100% justified in feeling the way you do as far as I'm concerned, and I think they are behaving terribly - she sounds like a very malicious woman and clearly mustn't have any kids of her own or a single compassionate bone in her body.

babylann · 26/03/2011 18:00

And don't get me started on your XH.

RunAwayWife · 26/03/2011 18:00

It should be up to your children what they call her, I would never expect my children to call my new partner anything other then his first name, they have a dad, a wonderful dad and that is that.

beesimo · 26/03/2011 18:07

OP I honestly can't get my head round situations like yours I wouldn't be able to control myself. Theres a old C and W song called Family Tree and it s got a line in it that goes 'now I've got to let my children see the woman that burnt down my family tree' it must be hell to be in that position.

Keep your calm, keep your nerve and keep your dignity

There's B giving sound advice when actually she would put HER through a wall if she came anywhere near my bairns

springydaffs · 26/03/2011 18:18

So with you on this OP - YANBU, particularly in your circumstances. How cruel and heartless of your ex.

"^As far as my children are concerned they have 2 parents.
Ex has a partner but they are not a step, they are ex's partner.

If one parent isn't involved I can see the partner becoming a step-mum or dad, but apart from that IMO they are not a parent^"

this is where I'm coming from. The OW appeared when my kids were in late teens, completely ridiculous to call her their step mother. She's their dad's wife. Should be the same for the little ones too imo. They've got their parents, don't need any more.

thinkingkindly · 26/03/2011 18:50

OP, I wouldn't get drawn into this though. You are not going to be objective, understandably, and your kids do have to engage with her because she is living with their dad. Let your DCs make up their own mind about how they refer to her in their own good time. Tough situation.

Original poster
Sapphirefling · 26/03/2011 19:34

Thinking - they don't live together - she lives hundreds of miles away and i suspect ex will be moving there soon - but I also suspect that the kids and I will be the last to know.

OP posts:
zest01 · 26/03/2011 19:49

I really do think the kids can and will make their own choice. Soon after my sk's and DC's met, they started referring to one another as step brother/sister. It wasn't something we suggested, I don't know why they came up with it, but they were comfortable with it. DH's ex though went MENTAL, insisting that my DC were nothing to do with them at all. It was very confusing for the DC. Incidentally, they now refer to one another simply as brother or sister. Of course they aren't in the "blood" sense but if that's how close they feel then I think it's lovely.

I have a step dad who came into my life late - I ahd already left home. However he is wonderful to my Mum and has done all the "Dad" things for me over the years - helping me to choose a car, coming over at 3am to fix a leaking pipe....etc so he is and always will be Step dad. He is not married to Mum but what difference does it make.

What you call someone is down to what they mean to you - what others say/think and what the "legal" position is doesn't matter. OP if they haven't met her then she is nothing to them. She may be at some point, (but there's a stronger chance against) but she certainly isn't yet, regardless of what label your ex gives her so rise above it.

lockets · 26/03/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 27/03/2011 00:40

My friend's parents split up nearly 25 years ago. To this day she refers to the OW as "my father's wife."
As you can tell, there's no love lost there!

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 27/03/2011 02:34

3 months and they haven't even met her and he's telling them to call her step-mum - fucking hell. He's under the patio material he is. I bet you count everyday you call him your EX as a good one Grin What a total cock.

I would just tell the kids that she's Daddy's new friend and she isn't their step-mum, Daddy is being Very Silly. You can call her silly bitch home wrecker Lady

:( yes, loves young dreamers should have more sensitivity, but given that he used to hit you and has cheated on you, I would focus on getting over him very quickly and moving gratefully on with your life :)

iscream · 27/03/2011 03:49

I would tell the kids that the female in question is not their step mother, and they can call her "Miss/Mrs. whateverhernameis".

HipHopopotomus · 27/03/2011 09:56

It's really up to the kids what they call her! Eventually they might think of her as their SM eventually but they may never get there. Surely they just call her by her name anyway?

HipHopopotomus · 27/03/2011 09:58

"3 months and they haven't even met her and he's telling them to call her step-mum - fucking hell."

He's lost the plot hasn't he? Whaddawanker! Why would they call her anything beyond perhaps "Dad's GF" if they even feel the need to talk about her at all????

mrsravelstein · 27/03/2011 10:02

agree with many of the others, the kids will gradually decide themselves what to call her. ds1 has lived with my dh, his step dad, since he was 4. always just called him by his name. sometime around 7 years old he asked specifically what the relationship is called, i told him step-dad, and sometimes at school if he writes about family he will say 'my mum and my step dad', but equally often he'll just use 1st name for dh.

he has never referred to his dad's gf as step mum as far as i'm aware... they've been together about 4 years.

NonnoMum · 27/03/2011 10:04

THey might want to call her "Daddy's bit of Fluff" or "Pa's latest squeeze" or "The Other woman".

See what they think of those? Grin

TyraG · 27/03/2011 10:19

YADNBU.

You could always call her DCH "Daddy's Cock Holster".

Original poster
Sapphirefling · 27/03/2011 13:55

Tyra - I think I'll adopt that one for use in my own head - it kinda has a nice ring to it!

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 27/03/2011 13:59

Lol some people are so stupid. Your ex's attitude beggars belief.

scaryteacher · 27/03/2011 14:43

'I have never, to this day referred to my dad's wife as my step mum. I have a mum and a dad and my dad has a wife.' Hear, hear, nor have I, but I was 24 when my parents split up, and much too old to have a step mother foisted on me; with a Mum and a mil, who needs more? I am 45 now, and nothing has changed in the interim.

thinkingkindly · 27/03/2011 16:38

Sapphire, if they don't live together it is laughable to refer to her as their SM. But honestly, don't bother arguing about it with the ex, and don't use a perjorative term to describe her either. Let your kids make up their own mind about her. They come up with their own way of referring to her anyway, and they will find their split family easier to manage if you don't make it impossible for them to like her. I know that must be really really hard when you are angry and hurt, but if you can vent to friends or on mumsnet it will be so much easier for your kids in the long-run.

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