to find this article on motherhood inFURiating?

[BlooferLady]

Guardian writer in 'motherhood is hell' shock

Disclaimer: je suis TTCing. Erm, for a LONG time!

I didn't want children for years. YEARS! Was violently opposed to it And you know why? Because it looked like one long unending saga of drudgery, misery, isolation and loss of identity and self-respect (I have a large family and thus had the opportunity to observe its effects up close every 18 months or so).

We're TTCing now - hormones and a little wisdom took over, and I would very much like to be a mother. And yet here on MN and in the press I find my old terrors reinforced, and this article sums it all up. Everything I feared is true...

BUT IS IT? By the end of the article I wanted to slap the woman. She complains of her life dwindling to a miserable compressed world of perma-exhaustion, leaking breasts, nappy changes, never seeing her old friends, losing her sense of a professional life, only ever socialising with mothers and mother and toddler groups, bitterly envying women who still go to work, angry with her partner for not helping out round the house...

Someone PLEASE tell me it doesn't have to be like this. I wanted to yell at her, get out of the damn house and DO stuff you moaning bint! No-one MAKES you go to mother and toddler groups - put the creature in a sling and wander round the V&A! Let your partner do a bottle feed in the evening and go out for a boozy dinner! Do some work from home! MAKE your partner help out!

Surely there are people here on MN whose entire character isn't subsumed into the drudgery of being a mother? Who continue to be lively, interested in the larger world, engaged with their friends, interested in their career, happy in their relationships, still maintaining a sense of self and self-respect? For motherhood extends, informs, illuminates their life - doesn't effectively end it! Because if not, I don't want children. AIBU?!

adela my conception (wretched pun entirely unintended!) of motherhood is at present so awful that the shock I'm most likely to get is managing to raise a smile at all in the first 18 months!

I have two friends (both 38) who have fallen pregnant for the first time in the last 4 months.

I am happy for them, but honestly, I keep stopping myself from telling them how difficult it will be. I want them to enjoy the illusion.

I have two DSs, and to be honest if one of them didn't have special needs, then I would find parenthoold very very easy. Your child might be easy, might be difficult, might have special needs, might be very independant, might be really clingy. You need to be ready to accept your child as he is, and he/she might not be what you expect.

I sound very bitter don't I? sorry I an having a difficult time with the DS with special needs. Having said that, I would do it again, love my 2 boys with all my heart,.

oh and I should add - having my ds has been the best thing I have ever done or will do. I remember as a romatic teenager thinking about meeting the love of my life, what he would be like etc - never gave a second's thought that the true love of my life would be my child.
It's better than anything.
However, I still refer the honourable OP to the answer I gave previously!!!

Sleeping thanks for your post :)
You are really looking forward to reading an update from me in about a year's time that practically repeats, point for point, the article, aren't you?! Go on admit it!

You don't sound bitter, timeto. You sound a realist, and in love with your children, and I'm very glad you took time to talk to a daft auld ranter like me.

You don't get to define other peoples hell hairylights!! I'd better not say anything else as I do have sympathy with your situation if this is what you are describing -pity you can't extend the same empathy to others though

Oh just to be able to walk out of the door and go to a museum when dd was a tiny baby. Sigh.
Walking out of the door was a logistical nightmare ratehr like a mini expedition. You need a pram, changing bag, time said outing around feeds etc, etc, etc.
Op; you sound lovely but a bit naive. I was glued to the couch breastfeeding for about a month. I did have a c section though and it has been worth it but OMG it is tough!

loving this thread. It's a good reflection of motherhood I think in many ways! Cat, I agree - we need to be a bit sensible about what it will be like. I know a couple of rather....superficial women who I think live their lives thinking in very shallow cliched terms about everything, and both of them have fallen prey to post natal depression, I am convinced partly because the reality of motherhood has hit them like a ten ton truck when they thought it would be like playing dollies.
And I totally agree with you timetoask - one of the HUGEST lessons of motherhood I think, is that to a huge degree you get what you're given and that can sometimes be a very challenging child. So much of a child seems to me to be hard wired into them from birth; things I thought I would do this way or that way - well, my DS has had his own ideas from the word go! It's lovely though I think, to go through that stage of realising that you have to accept wholeheartedly who they ARE not who you thought they might be.

OP YANBU. It certainly doesn't have to be like that. You don't even have to put the baby in a sling to go round the V&A. They have a lift, you can take a buggy. And on the sixth floor is a TOTALLY EMPTY ceramics department where I used to go and breast feed.
This applies to nearly every single cultural institution in London. I don't feel that I've lost my identity as, like the writer of the article, I am a journalist and can work from home/ take the baby (DS is 8 months) with me to meetings etc. (Maybe she just stopped writing for a while. I have no other explanation because, quite frankly, any job that one can do from home is a godsend once you have a baby and I know that I am incredibly lucky.)
I don't go to any toddler groups, unless you count mother and baby screenings at the local cinema. The only 'baby' friends I spend time with are my existing friends who have babies (there are a couple). I go and meet my friends who have jobs for lunch, etc, and go for walks with my other freelance friends/ have coffee with them to swap ideas and info in much the same way that I ever used to. And every time I see them I think how lucky I am to be in a position to be freelance and to be able juggle child care and work.
I'm not permanently exhausted (though I was for the first three months, I'll admit.) And if I have a bad night I have a little nap with the baby in the afternoon. And I still look okay - very much so. I go to the gym (the baby goes to the creche) and to the hairdresser (he reads magazines on my lap while I get my highlights done) etc. etc. Okay so the vast majority of my clothes do have sick on them - but baby sick doesn't stain and I wear machine washable clothes most days at home, and when I go out stick on a nice coat/ jacket and pick up a good handbag, and thus look put together.

I'll admit that some things have changed:
1.) I don't go out as much - but this is mainly because I don't want to. I mean, new Midsummer Murders, new Lewis, new Taggart?! Who'd want to go out?! (I do still go to friends houses for dinner maybe once a week and take the baby who sleeps in another room, and I go to things like Friday nights at the V&A, and weekend lunches have become a good socialising time)
2.) I don't actually care about my job as much. I know that I still need to keep everything ticking over, because one day DS will start school as will any future DC, and maybe then I'll want to be able to be a hotshot journalist who thinks nothing of flying to New York for a day to interview someone, but right now if I can possibly never leave the UK, please, and just do enough to pay the mortgage, that's fine by me, thank you very much. Because one can't do everything.
3.) Bearing in mind that one can't do everything, I'm really keen on keeping the dimmer switches at the moment, and I've discovered that M$S ready meals are truly delicious. I've cooked twice since DS was born. Literally. (Before anyone tells me that readymeals are really bad for me, DH does all the cooking, but if he's going to be late home from work then I have a microwave job.) But I don't care as I don't derive enormous pleasure from it, and why battle to keep up appearances that one doesn't care about? I care about DS, DH being happy and having a happy attractive wife, doing some work, seeing friends, going to exhibitions etc. etc. And it sounds like that's what the OP cares about too. And it's possible.

Oh, and the first month was dreadful. But I felt better if I picked up Vogue. And I made sure that I kept up with my manicures and pedicures, which I know sounds stupidly vain but I can not tell you what a difference it made to morale.

I completely agree with the article, although I don't think it's saying motherhood is hell, but that we still seem to revert back to homemaker types roles as women even if we return to work.
Not only myself but several of my friends have found this to be true.
Despite having equal domestic chores/responsibility before DC we end up doing all/most of Childcare/housework after DC even if gone back to work full time.
It hit me and a few friends "like a sledgehammer" also.
And I still resent DHs attitude to me/DS & housework and I've been back to work full time for 2 yrs. The only thing DH does in house is dishes!!!
I do everything else even though I'm working full time have 2yo DS and 10 weeks preg!

Sorry rant over.

zing I think I am veering sickeningly between naive and bitterly cycnial . I am giving myself tummyache. I guess part of the problem is that because I have met the occasional (very occasional) mother who'd chuck a nappy and a sheet of kitchen roll in a shoulder bag and hare around London without batting an eyelid I have this vague feeling that it is possible, at least theoretically, so that happiness and calm in early motherhood isn't some mythical state of being.

HOWEVER. Said occasional mothers prolly just had oddly contented babies that slept 22 hours a day; it is not a personal achievement, just luck of the draw I guess. That woman who wrote We Need To Talk About Kevin said, "When you get pregnant you might as well leave the back door open so any stranger can walk in" (I paraphrase).

I do hope people don't realise I'm expecting my experience to be blissful - far, far from it. I'm just keen to hear the positive side, 'tis all - and not always convinced that the causes for complaint are totally insoluble.

And LOOK! Just as I accept I am being preposterous in thinking that any of my old life would survive children, up pops Puffykins. You know I'll be looking for you in the ceramics dept now, don't you?

Eric this is a perfect place for rantage. And your DH needs A Talking To. You could send him over here?!

Okay I've just read some of the other posts - and yes, having a baby does make everything harder, and more planning has to go into it, but my point is that it's not impossible. You will not be the same person once you've had a baby - but, after the initial shock, you wouldn't want to be.

Part of the reason I found the first month so hard is that I was battling DS, insofar as I wanted life to be identical to what it had been and, prior to the birth, actually thought that I'd be going to a wedding in the South of France, with DH and DS, when DS was 3 weeks old. (Obviously I didn't go.)
And then, and I'm not sure when exactly it happened, I stopped trying to force my life to remain unchanged, and accepted that it had changed, and that now it was me and DS trying to make the best of our days, and to both enjoy them. And so yes, I go to an exhibition, but I time it so that travelling there/ back coincides with a nap time so that he sleeps in his pram. I go at a quiet time so that he can get out of the buggy and crawl around a bit. I pick restaurants/ cafes which aren't going to mind if he plays under the table while I have lunch.

And I really enjoy the more gentle pace of life that I have as a result of no longer trying to do everything. And I love DS immeasurably.

Bloofer, you have hit the nail on the head I think. It is all down to the luck of the draw. Almost nothing that a baby or toddler does is a reflection of your 'personal acheivement' in my humble opinion, much as I would like to think otherwise........
I used to think that you could train a baby to sleep through the night......well some, you CAN, others, forget it. My mum took two nights to 'train' me out of my night feed apparently, so I gaily followed mum's advice and - 18 months later, DS was still a night waker.

If and when you have kids, you will be FINE because you are clearly very thoughtful on the issue and open to ideas and that is 99% of the battle.

And as I said before, you get to meet the love of your life

On this comment below, yes I agree. I think you need to want to be a partner. I wanted babies at 14. Waiting until I was 22 was quite a wait... but it meant I was in a profession and working and I just took 2 weeks off to have the babies. Don't let anyone suggest to you thre is only one way to have a baby which is 6 - 12 mnoths of work and then pin money for life and no caereer after. Going back quickly is for many of us the best option and gives the baby the security of certain routines early - they hate change, they like the same things happening at the same times every day.

If you do go back full time as many women do you still get loads of time with the babies (babies are often up at 5am and half the night) and you get them all weekends too and holidays and looking at my 20 somethings now and the younger ones they have benefited so hugely from a mother who enjoys her work (and home life) (and I can afford to fund 5 lots of university fees etc etc and the rest... don't imagine teenagers just want love, money never does them any harm either for school fees etc and if the plus side is you work, earn a lot and can buy help in with wasyhing and cleaning so your time with them is easier then it's win win all round. Most of all avoid like the plague sexist men. When pregnant don't you just hire the nanny - get the father to talk about it, ask him how he plans for teh baby to be looked after and how he will be arrnaing that. SDon't let sexism creep in for even one day. Babies have two parents and there is no reason on earth women rather than men should do the drudge dull stuff unless they are total mugs.

"Xenia I can see that your point of view might be unpopular (and I understand entirely what Muse is saying, and Muse it must be great to have that sense of clarity, though of cousre we don't know how you'll feel 9 months hence!) but I understand it.

Not everyone has a professional ambition that really does press on them and get them up in the morning. I do and it sounds a bit like Xenia does. And I think that's probably at the heart of some of my worries. When, like me, your whole being is consumed with a desire to achieve a particular THING, the idea that another THING might interfere with it is quite terrifying - especially if you think your whole character is going to change and become sort of dismal and 'low'. It is good to hear that one can pursue an ambition, of whatever kind (INCLUDING being a happy and fulfilled SAHM, if that's what it is), alongside motherhood."

what sleepingsowell said.

But it is worth it - look at the "what makes you smile thread". So many of those are about the kids, about being a family.

BlooferLady - yes! See you in the V&A!

DS doesn't sleep for 22 hours a day (I wish!) but I do often just chuck a couple of nappies and some baby wipes (and a bottle, now that I'm formula feeding) into a handbag and set off. There have been disasters, and I have ended up drying his clothes under a hand dryer in Starbucks while a couple of really organised mothers with entire changes of clothes suggested I got a proper changing bag - but then I discovered that I could just wrap him in my scarf and stick him back in his buggy. Instant clothing!
Whatever happens, you'll get through it, and bits of your old life will survive. The bits that you want to.

There's a momentum to life after maternity leave, and ideas about that leave, that needs really pushing against. In our relationship I got 'hit' with it because the last six months of DS's parental care coincided with us moving so my partner had only 'paid workers knowledge', but in almost all relationships it's the mother.

The momentum runs something like this. 'You know the doctor, the health visitor, the people at baby groups, the places to go, I don't. Therefore simply pragmatically you should do this stuff'.

The misconception runs 'maternity leave is for looking after the house and kids', therefore this is ALL now your job (which it isn't-it's for your body and for childcare, houses don't magically become yours alone because you're in them for longer, and the 'housewife' is a rather short-lived ideal). And then it is, because that's what it's become.

And the article hinted at that very well. But you know it, and so won't let DP fall for it, regardless of the baby you get and the fact you probably will spend longer at home and probably will attend a baby group?

I soooo want you to be a parent. You'd be ace at it.

What a great thread! You ladies are all fascinating

OP When I was pregnant with DS my sis and BIL told me and DH awful awful horror stories over and over again about how bad it was all going to be. DH and I were both bothered by this and talked about it a lot - we decided to make a pact to try and enjoy raising our child no matter how tiring/boring/difficult it became. That pact helped us quite a lot in the early days when it was terribly hard work. We reminded each other that kids grow up fast and if we werent able to look back at things we enjoyed about that time it wouldnt all be worth it.

I am not saying that determination alone will help you through all the tough times, and I dont want to belittle the experience of some of the ladies on here who have talked about really challenging moments, but I think forewarned is forearmed: if you expect it to be quite tough you will probably cope much better than if you go in blind, and if you set yourself a goal to enjoy it as much as possible then you are more likely to find the experience rewarding. Anyone who is concerned about how they will cope/what will it be like/ will they be a good mother and keep their identity etc is destined to be a good mother. Its those that dont worry about anything at all that really worry me.

I can't be bothered to read the whole of this thread, and I don't have time - I'm a single mum of two gorgeous girls, 2 and 4. Being a mum is the most fantastic, wonderful, fulfilling and amazing thing you can do. I have a fab social life, a job, I spend time at soft play (sometimes reluctantly), it is often exhausting, painful, and oh so relentless, but it is wonderful, and if you're prepared to let a few things slip (clean car? shiny taps? new underwear?) then you'll love it - and you can do it any way you want. Chances are, those moaning bints would be moaning kids or no kids I reckon
x

Sleeping when you put it like that- about meeting someone wonderful and new - my heart LEAPS!

Adela thanks pal :) I want it too. And your advice has been very very sage - I have read it out to the 'Usband, who despite being still in disgrace for having gone AWOL for 8 hours on Monday is actually a very, very Good Egg.

Mummy, omond - thank you. And omond I have to say in my heart of hearts I so completely agree with your final sentence that I hissed 'YESSSSSSS' under my breath, and startled the cat. And my taps have never been shiny...

Oh yes, you will survive. After a particularly long walk on the beach with a friend DD decided she had had enough of the pushchair and just HAD to have a cuddle. (We have a little separation anxiety going on...) But that happened to be the one day I had neglected to sling the carrier under the buggy. Hmmm. Cue some creative tying of a pashmina into an inpromptu side carry sling and walked the 2 miles home like that whilst pushing the pushchair one handed.

am not sure early motherhood is worth agonising over that much really- you want kids, you're going to have to get through it. And it's a tiny part of being a mother really.

i mean, it doesn't last long. And I say that as someone who hated early motherhood really-both times round. Although i do think if i could start off with a baby who was say, 8 months old, I'd do it all again (but never again with a newborn).

The positives are the children, of course-the reason you're going through the sleepless nights etc. The love you feel and the fascination in watching them develop.

But it's a hard balance sometimes-I love my job but I don't really have enough time to do it properly. I do the best I can, but I do a lot of rushing around and sometimes feel like I don't get very far. It's frustrating. I guess if money was no object I could hire a nanny and life would be easier but I can't and that's that.

hmc please dont flame by good friend hairy recurrent mc is a truly devastating thing to happen to anyone and does deserve to be met with total sympathy.

bloofer, for me that has been one of the surprises of motherhood; how fully formed as a person ds was from the start and how we have been 'meeting' him every day since

It's an honour and a privelege to be the one who gets to bring him through his childhood.