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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to travel heavily pregnant, to see new nephews?

49 replies

moogdroog · 25/03/2011 12:06

Ok, I'm 33 weeks pregnant, fed up and possibly being over emotional.

That said, am I being unreasonable here? SIL and I have been pregnant at the same time - her 4 weeks ahead of me and with twins (a complicated twin pregnancy at that), me just a single pregnancy, but not an easy one, and I have a two year old to contend with. SIL had her babies a few weeks ago and they've been in SCBU, obviously a scary time, but doing really well and will be home in the next week or so.

Ok, since she's had the babies, she's not enquired once with my husband regarding how I'm doing (on many phone-calls) and has just seemed entirely self absorbed. She lives a good 3-4 hour drive away and whilst we obviously want to see her and the babies, there is only a small window in which we can do this before I'm just too pg to travel or have a newborn of my own - I've mentioned this many times over several months.

DH spoke with her last night to try and sort out this visit whilst we can, and she basically said that once the babies are home she wants a couple of weeks 'babymoon' with no visitors. I do understand not having all sorts bothering you as soon as babies come home, but surely we're an exception? We'd only be there for an hour or so, stay elsewhere and not be a hindrance. When I had DS, I managed to have her and her parents around for a day and a half when DS was a week old and I was recovering from a very traumatic labour and EMCS. I did keep visitors to a minimum, but made an exception for close family.

So by the time the babymoon is over I'll probably be 36-37 weeks and not much feeling like spending hours in the car, let alone not really wanting to be too far from the hospital I'm booked in to.

She did ring back and relented eventually - but I'm just feeling a bit 'stuff it' about it now. AIBU? Think I'll just say I'm not feeling up to travel (and I'm not in all honesty) and we'll see her in a few months.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 25/03/2011 12:07

YANBU, I would do the same.

AMumInScotland · 25/03/2011 12:13

I think her being "self-absorbed" is pretty natural in the circumstances - and she thought it through when she got off the phone and realised she was being a bit OTT since you are so far along too, and phoned back to try to sort something out. So I don't think you're being very fair to her to take the huff.

Go or not, as you please, but be honest it's about you not her if you decide not to.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/03/2011 12:13

YADNBU. I've never heard the term babymoon before. When my DD was born, I was desperate for visitors. Both in hospital ( a week following ELCS) and then once I got home.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 25/03/2011 12:13

She just had twins who spent time in special care and you are calling her self-absorbed? No shit she isn't that concerned about you right now!

don't go, I'm sure she'd be happier too.

Journey · 25/03/2011 12:15

I'd leave it especially since you have a 2 year old to look after. She's asking visitors to come when it suits her since she wants a "babymoon" period so just do the same. Go when it suits you.

catzcream · 25/03/2011 12:15

Ok - I get how you are feeling. But putting myself in her shoes, she is probably a mess

A stressful pregnancy and then first few weeks can make the whole having babies really difficult. I had constant monitoring with DC1 from 32 weeks pregnant, he was born early and little and had to be woken every 2 hours for feeding. I went into a shell and wanted no visitors, it is only in hindsight (and since having an easy pregnancy with DC2) that I realised just how traumatic the whole first few months was. I needed the time and space to realise that we were ok and to bond.

She isnt going to have the space to think about you, because she has been through a lot and as close family you should try and understand that and be more gentle and forgiving towards her. If she has rung back and relented, then get in the car and go and see her and be supportive.

Twins is a totally different ball game to a single and uncomplicated pregnancy.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 12:20

If you have time read up on the effect on a parent having a baby/babies in SCBU then you would realise that her behaviour is just a reaction to that. She may also be fearful of coping with twins. The babies could have died without you having ever seen them, all that must be in her head. You have your own 'stuff' going on but try to be kind.

Mutt · 25/03/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 12:22

She may also go into a stage were she does try to gain a bit of control because nothing upto now has been what she has wanted or planned for.

FabbyChic · 25/03/2011 12:24

I do wonder sometimes you are pregnant not sick, I was jumping over fences and working until five days before the due date when I was pregnant.

I never understand this but Im pregnant malarky. It is not an illness.

susall · 25/03/2011 12:24

I didnt allow anybody to visit us at all when our twins come out of hospital at 4 weeks old for a few weeks, it was a massive change to our life and I didnt want to feel like I had to run around the house to tidy up for visitors when we were feeding a child every 2 hours, 24 hours a day. It wasnt popular with the PIL but my parents respected our decision and let us get into a more settled way of life.
YANBU to not want to travel that distance but YABU to take her decision personally as she will just be wanting to make up for the lost time.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/03/2011 12:26

I think she can be forgiven for being self-absorbed!

You are also being rather self-absorbed, your post is all about your convenience and nothing else.

It is an unfortunate situation all round, and the timing is bad. Could your DH go up in a few weeks without you if you don't fancy the journey, and then you can all get together in a few months time?

MoistTowelette · 25/03/2011 12:26

YABU
She is a first time mum of twins who has had a complicated and scary pregnancy/birth experience.
No, she is not thinking of you and neither would I under the same circumstances.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 25/03/2011 12:27

Now there is someone you can call self-absorbed: FabbyChic. Premature twins is not really leaping over fence material is it?

Bogeyface · 25/03/2011 12:32

She has twins in SCBU and you say she is self absorbed because she hasnt asked how you are?!

Clytaemnestra · 25/03/2011 12:33

So, basically what you are saying is "Both her babies are in hospital but why sn't she interested in meeeeeee"

westonsorganic · 25/03/2011 12:33

YABU
you'd be sat in a car not walking there!
and I totally get why she wants some time to find her feet esp. with twins....
I completely agree with Mutt - let your DH take DS and enjoy this special moment with his sister instead of demanding your needs take priority when they probably don't need to for every second between now and labour.

Bogeyface · 25/03/2011 12:36

And why are you an exception? Because it suits you?

No, it is up to her when she admits visitors and I will be keeping and eye out for an "AIBU to ask for some privacy after we bring our babies home" post moaning about a selfish SIL who has thrown a tantrum about visiting!

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/03/2011 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meglet · 25/03/2011 12:38

yanbu. I hated sitting down towards the end of my pregnancies as I couldn't breathe comfortably. Even short journeys were a PITA. I walked a lot and went to the gym for the last weeks.

I don't blame you for wanting to stick close to home in the last month.

Mind you, I hated visitors afer having my dc's

wolfhound · 25/03/2011 12:41

Yes, I think YABU. As many others have said, it's a hugely stressful time for your SIL and everyone around her should be supportive and fitting in with what she needs emotionally now, including you. Having said that, if she "insisted" that you come and visit at a time that suits her (e.g. when you are close to your due date or have a newborn) she would also be unreasonable. But you haven't mentioned that, so presumably she isn't doing that. I think the current circs just mean that perhaps you will not see your nephews until they are a few months old. Not the end of the world. You all have a lifetime to get to know each other!

4FoxAche · 25/03/2011 12:41

YABU but I'm not going to say why because other posters have said it for me!

VinegarTits · 25/03/2011 12:44

YABU she has had 2 babies in scbu yet your wondering why she hasnt enqired about you?

Your pg not sick, she has relented on the babymoon thing so just go while you can

i commuted an hour to work and back 5 days a week up until the day before i gave birth, but hey ho

ThisIsYourSong · 25/03/2011 12:45

I think YAB a bit U.

She has probably just expected your DH to update her on how you are doing, rather than her specifically asking and this shouldn't even be an issue when she has so much else on her mind. Do remember how hard it is with a newborn, let alone with two who have been in SCBU.

A couple of weeks at home without visitors is not really a lot to ask with premature twins who will very possibly have feeding (and therefore sleeping) problems. You also can't judge other people on what you did when your LO was born.

I also don't really think she is being unreasonable asking you to wait until you are 36/37 weeks - I don't think you can be expected to be jumping fences like FabbyChic , but surely its not too hard to travel 3-4 hours by car??

Original poster

moogdroog · 25/03/2011 12:45

Ok! It seems I am being unreasonable. I totally accept it.

That said, I think I am going to give the visit a miss for the moment. Whilst I've not had a complicated pregnancy so far, things have taken a bit of a different turn in the last week and continuing morning sickness is wiping me out.

The self absorbed comment was wrong, but the twins have been doing amazingly well (really, not a single scare so far). Just the enquiry after DH's health and DS's and not mine got me miffed.

She knows nothing of my private hissy fit.

Honestly, I am nice really, and have been all the support I can be so far. I'm just tired, overly emotional and being irrational. Thanks all for your comments.

OP posts:

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