To not want to travel heavily pregnant, to see new nephews?

[moogdroog]

Ok, I'm 33 weeks pregnant, fed up and possibly being over emotional.

That said, am I being unreasonable here? SIL and I have been pregnant at the same time - her 4 weeks ahead of me and with twins (a complicated twin pregnancy at that), me just a single pregnancy, but not an easy one, and I have a two year old to contend with. SIL had her babies a few weeks ago and they've been in SCBU, obviously a scary time, but doing really well and will be home in the next week or so.

Ok, since she's had the babies, she's not enquired once with my husband regarding how I'm doing (on many phone-calls) and has just seemed entirely self absorbed. She lives a good 3-4 hour drive away and whilst we obviously want to see her and the babies, there is only a small window in which we can do this before I'm just too pg to travel or have a newborn of my own - I've mentioned this many times over several months.

DH spoke with her last night to try and sort out this visit whilst we can, and she basically said that once the babies are home she wants a couple of weeks 'babymoon' with no visitors. I do understand not having all sorts bothering you as soon as babies come home, but surely we're an exception? We'd only be there for an hour or so, stay elsewhere and not be a hindrance. When I had DS, I managed to have her and her parents around for a day and a half when DS was a week old and I was recovering from a very traumatic labour and EMCS. I did keep visitors to a minimum, but made an exception for close family.

So by the time the babymoon is over I'll probably be 36-37 weeks and not much feeling like spending hours in the car, let alone not really wanting to be too far from the hospital I'm booked in to.

She did ring back and relented eventually - but I'm just feeling a bit 'stuff it' about it now. AIBU? Think I'll just say I'm not feeling up to travel (and I'm not in all honesty) and we'll see her in a few months.

Sorry for the long post.

YABU. And you're calling her self absorbed? Tree, leaf, green. Also, what almost everyone else has said.

x-posted with OP's latest...MN is a good place for private hissy fits, it must be said

YANBU

You are trying to go to see her and her babies at a time when your baby is due. You are prepared to travel quite a long way to see them and yet she doesn't have an hour or two for her brother, SIL & nephew.

Just because her babies are in SCBU does not mean she could not have, at the very least once, during all of these phone calls asked her brother how is wife & their pregnancy is. Even just once... mind you, are you sure she didn't - I know a lot of DH's who wouldn't have passed this info on!? Be careful you aren't speaking badly of her when it's not true.

Fabby - how wonderful for you, not all pregnancies are as easy as yours. You should be grateful not smug & thoughtless.

Not everyone can sit comfortably when heavily pregnant, let alone for several hours in a car.

I really can't see the problem with leaving it until one of you is happy to travel with the baby/babies. Or with DH going up on his own.

As for 'babymoons' and not even letting grandparents/your siblings see the baby - it's so self absorbed it isn't funny.

if she wants to have a visitor free period that is up to her. all you can say is we are availaable xyz before baby is born and not until xyz after baby is born. then she has the choice. Don't make a big deal of it. different people want different things, and 2 year olds can be a bit scary to have around such little babies when you are a new mum.

yanu to not go if that suits you

yabu to pressurise her into seeing you.

I don't think either of you are really being unreasonable. You don't want 3 hrs in the car at post 36 weeks pregnant. Fair enough. She's a bit overwhelmed with new baby stuff and wants to be left alone. Fair enough. Why not give her a call yourself, congratulate her, and ask her what would work better for her - a short visit straight away, or in a couple of months?

Can I just add - even if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy with no 'official' problems, you can still feel absolutely terrible. My two pregnancies were the hardest times of my life. I felt completely knackered, sick and uncomfortable - could barely do anything, really, and i'm a trooper the rest of the time.

So, kudos to those of you who worked up until your due date etc, but alot of us don't find pregnancy very easy [though worth every grim moment for what you get at the end of course].

On the subject though, your SIL was naturally feeling overwhelmed, but has realised she won't get to see you unless she relents on the babymoon thing, so make it nice, grit your teeth and go and see her and her lovely twins. You won't regret it, i'm sure. And it's lovely for your new baby to have twin cousins to grow up with - start that process now! Good luck with your pregnancy.

FabbyChic, seriously?!
Well done you but not all pregnancy experiences will be the same as yours...

YABU calling her self absorbed. It is to be expected.

YANBU not to want to visit when really heavily pg. Wait until your little one is here and visit then.

Good God, you're only pregnant for FFS and could have another 2-3 months to go!

Get yourself in the car and go and see your new nephews. No, on second thoughts let your partner go on his own as if I was your SIL I wouldn't be too excited to see you either.

If you're this precious now, I can't wait to see how you'll be when you have your baby and have a newborn and a toddler to look after...

Yabu on all counts. God knows how people manage to get on with normal lives when pregnant...

YABU - why not wait till all babies have arrived and then see them when the are more interesting feeling more organised.

We didn't have visitors for a couple of weeks after DD1 was born and it was best choice for us.

Having had a child in SCBU, it was the single worst experience of my life. Please try to muster up a bit of empathy and support for your SIL, it is emotionally really tough having your babies looked after by people other than yourself, and you can't wait to get them home and savour every second of having them to yourself. You are also very worried about their vulnerability to infections, and want to keep them wrapped in cotton wool, away from any colds or other viruses people may bring.

I remember having an immediate-family party to welcome DS2 home from the hospital, after he'd been born prem and in there for a week (the longest week of my life). it was such a mistake - all DH and I wanted was to cuddle him without all the drips and paraphenalia, and have him to ourselves. DH snapped at everyone, and I sobbed. Everyone left asap and felt bad about pressuring us into the family gathering, which had come about because he it was early August and they were all due to go off on foreign holidays, and wanted to see him before they left.

Tell your SIL you'd love to meet them in her timing (though with clear caveat that once you're 37 weeks you'd rather not travel that far. Maybe be that stage she'd be happy to come to you with them?)

I also agree with many others here, that her not asking how you were doing while her babies were in SCBU is no big deal - I bet she barely had brainspace left to remember when she'd last eaten or slept, if she had a typical SCBU experience.

Also, she's quite high risk now for PND, so do try to be gentle with her.

Ok, thanks all for your messages and as you can see from my second post, I take all the YABUs on board, and the self absorbed comment was out of order.

However, for those that keep reiterating that I'm pregnant, not ill, I just say bully for you for having such wonderful (fence jumping) pregnancies. I am actually feeling pretty shit and have done all the way through. I've been throwing up at least once per day since 6 weeks (still am), am having about 3 or 4 migraines per week with accompanying disco vision, have dodgy hips/pelvis, could sleep all day, but not a wink at night and now baby is in a mystery position (transverse or oblique) making me jolly uncomfortable. I've also had recurrent chest infections throughout. And yes, I'm commuting to work too.

So it's not the glowing/blooming time for everyone... Of course the end result is worth every ache and pain, but I'm just not suited to it, it seems.

I have horrid pregnancies too (hyperemesis). I'm 25 weeks now with my 5th, and feeling like shite. I honestly do sympathise. You're not in a fun place right now.

But I also sympathise with your SIL, as the horror of having a baby in SCBU still hasn't left me. There were no worries about his life being under threat, he was only a bit prem, but the lack of control is so terrible. As is the guilt. It really made me way too controlling when he was finally home, and even so I got terrible PND (actually I think it was PTSD).

Once your baby has been born you'll feel loads better and can probably use having babies close together in age to help bond with SIL. In the meantime go easy on yourself, but also go easy on her. If that means not seeing them for a while, then just release DH to go for a day. Try to not stress about it, as that'll only make your sickness worse.

'I do wonder sometimes you are pregnant not sick, I was jumping over fences and working until five days before the due date when I was pregnant.

I never understand this but Im pregnant malarky. It is not an illness.'

Glad you never had acid reflux which meant you had to be on a drip several times due to dehydration after you developed an ulcer in your oesophagus, hospitalised several times and weekly visits to have your blood pressure monitored/hypertension, anaemia that made you feel absolutely shattered all the time, oedema so bad your calves were like cricket bats, carpal tunnel syndrome and piles so bad it made sitting for any length of time agony.

Think about SIL for a minute. If her twins are in SCBU she's probably been promising herself some time alone with the babies as soon as they come home to help her get through it. Wouldn't you in her position?

And does weeding the onion patch trump jumping over fences? No? Oh well...

'Weeding the onion patch' sound like a euphemism Not sure what for.

I think its fair enough you don't want to travel. That's up to you.

But having had one baby in nicu then scbu, she needs to lay down the ground rules, she needs to be able to have her time with her twins and no family of that's what she wants. SCBU is stressful, even with no scares. Bringing the babies home is really really daunting. If she wants to make no exceptions, please let her.

Catch up when you are both settled with your babies.

None of you seem unreasonable to me.
She had twins in SCBU, you are pregnant plus a toddler. You areboth entitled to arrange your lives as you like in the next few weeks.

But it doesn't have to be a competition about who has it harder. You can be kind to each other and support each other over the phone. Did only your dh spoke on the phone, you didn't phone her? Have you sent a card?

I would sent a nice card and maybe flowers if you can afford it, then i would phone and explain that i cant travel. I would encourage dh to go on his own with two little presents. Unless there is more between you and her...

I agree with Laquitar. You and your SIL both have a lot going on, and you both need to give yourselves a stressfree experience. It really doesn't matter if you don't see nephews till they're a few months old. They won't remember! And you can all make a big fuss of all the new babies when you do meet up, it will be lovely, rather than anyone forcing themselves into a visit they're not ready for too early.

As the mother of twin boys born at 32 weeks, in special care for 4 I can tell you that even with no problems (mine sailed through their time there) you are still surrounded by very ill babies for hours a day, there are constant little emergencies around you - she may be aware of other babies dying, or parents being told of longterm health problems. You then go home without your babies and think about all that all night.

She is probably worried about bonding, feeding etc. If I was advising her I'd say take to your bed for a few weeks and don't worry about anyone else, just spend time with them. Babymooning may be a vile phrase, but for some people it describes an essential method to connect with your baby after a traumatic start.

My brother came to see the boys in hospital, I'm not so sure it would have been so easy in the weeks after they got out as I had to pretty much get naked to feed them - and my memory doesn't suggest there was a nice 90 minute window when I could be sure that wouldn't be happening.

Will SIL be offended if you don't go to see her sons for a few weeks. Phone, exchange photos till then?

Agree with rattling.

Ds3 was in SCBU. Yes, he did well but it was a horrible time. Expressing milk round the clock, which was very difficult once I went home and he was still in. When actually in the hospital there was only one "expressing room" and if another Mum was in there you had to wait.

Feeling totally useless, as the nurses were so brilliant with the babies and handled them in ways that I wouldn't have dared, in case I broke him.

Seeing your baby hooked up to a breathing device with his little chest going up and down at an alarming rate.

Touching your baby and seeing him startle and recoil becuase he's really too young to be touched

All I did when I got him home was sit on the couch and feed, feed, feed. And I only had one!