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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue banning DC's from going to this house.

37 replies

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 24/03/2011 16:30

I am NOT judging the situation in itself, but briefly.

DC's have friends who are brother and sister, of same age to them (my DS12 and my DD 8, the friends are also 12 and 8).
They live with their Mother and her Ex boyfriend's father who is registered disabled, from what I know is an alcoholic with MH issues.
They all share a living space in which the two adults smoke very heavily.

My DC's have been friends with them for about 7 years and I have a friendly relationship with the Mum but we are not close. They have played at this house which I have been reluctant about as DD especially is asthmatic and whatever I think of smoking, they come back smelling badly of smoke. But I let them play as the friendship is so long standing.

About six weeks ago DS begged to go for a sleepover to which I agreed.

During the course of the night, the Man had an 'episode' in which he was verbally abusive to my DS, threw things and in the process of his problem, threw himself over a sofa which resulted in DS being kicked in the head, although he was 'OK'. He then locked them all in the house for a short period before coming out of his room and taking an overdose infront of the DC's. The mother did not contact me, the police and ambulance were called and I did not find out till the next day when the DD came to play with my DD and let it slip.

I have to admit that I banned them from going to the house which doubly suited me as I am not happy that they are exposed to such a heavily smoky atmosphere.
The Mother is slightly 'off' with me now and the DS had told my DS that it is, and I am, stupid to continue banning DS from going over there after all this time.
He/they is/are welcome to come here but mostly won't, if DD's want to play together they obviously have to come here or go out.

The man is 'calmer' and apparently these episodes are rare although he has some obvious issues.

I get a heavy feeling at the thought of them going there but don't know if I am now over reacting.

OP posts:
DonMcLeansSecretLover · 24/03/2011 16:37

You are definately not overreacting, I wouldn't let my DC play there after that, especially as you only found out about it as the dc let slip.

Ingles2 · 24/03/2011 16:41

Christ no... you are not overreacting!
There's no way on earth my dc would be going into a potentially volatile situation no matter how long standing the friendship.
If I were you, I would ignore the mothers coolness, it is probably embarrassment. Carry on exactly the same as normal with the dc but just insist they play at yours.

pirateparty · 24/03/2011 16:41

No absolutely not. No way would I allow my child into that house again.

In fact, I would be phoning ss to tell them about the situation too because of the children living in that house.

FreudianSlippery · 24/03/2011 16:43

YANBU!

ilythia · 24/03/2011 16:43

YANBU. In any way shape or form

perfumedlife · 24/03/2011 16:44

No way would I allow my son over thier threshold. No harm to the man, he is ill, but why put your kids in risk of danger?

So what if she's off, she should have called you when it happened. She is in the wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2011 16:47

You only found out about it 6"when the DD came to play with my DD and let it slip." ^ So your own children didn't tell you about it? That's a bit weird, isn't it? My DS (12) would definitely have mentioned it, at least in the 'you'll never guess what happened' sort of way. Had they been warned asked not to tell worry you about this incident?

YANBU btw. Not because of what happened, but because she didn't feel any need to reassure you that your son was OK and that this was not the norm. That she didn't talk to you about it suggests that either is is the norm or that she just doesn't see it could be a problem to anyone.

Gingefringe · 24/03/2011 16:48

So has the mother discussed this episode with you? Sounds as though she is shrugging it all off and making out that you have the problem.

It also sounds a bit of a weird home set-up IMO. Why would her ex-boyfriend's disabled father be living there? Where's the ex-boyfriend - is he her DC's father?

YANBU in banning your DC's from there. The bloke in particular sounds horrendous.

pirateparty · 24/03/2011 16:49

Ought to qualify my ss comment. I think that it sounds as though ss will be already aware in a situation like this, but DC should not be seeing an adult taking an overdose, nor be locked in a house by an unwell adult. I feel extremely sad for all involved and am not judging the man involved (it's obviously not his 'fault'), but I do think that if ss do not know that this is going on then they should. They may chose not to take it any further but from what you have posted on here the DC are potentially at risk.

Birdsgottafly · 24/03/2011 16:56

SS will be aware of the situation so there is no need for the OP to phone. They were wrong to have anyone stay if there was a possibility of the man having an episode. The police should have returned your children home. The mother only has an error of judgement to be embassed about not what happened as he is ill.

OP your dc's are to young, especially your DD, to be placed in that situation so you are right to not let them go over there yet. As there has been a miscalculation in regards to the mans MH so the mother cannot ensure that it may not happen again.

Birdsgottafly · 24/03/2011 17:00

The ss will have done a risk assessment and will be in touch with the mans consultant in regards to monitoring the situation. It was allowing other children to stay that should not have happened. I supposed because the episodes are rare she thought she would allow the children a 'normal' life event, friends staying over, but it was wrong of her to do so.

Grandhighpoohba · 24/03/2011 17:03

YANBU. Even if the ex's father moved out, I wouldn't let my children go back there. The major issue is that she didn't tell you. It suggests that she thinks that it no big deal for children to witness this, and shows no concern whatsoever for the well being of your children. And she is being off with you? Shock Your children were locked in a house with someone verbally abusing them, one of them was kicked in the head, they witnessed an overdose and the police were called, and she didn't think to mention it!

Ripeberry · 24/03/2011 17:06

Sounds like my childhood. My mum always had an 'episode' of some sort when I had friends over for a sleepover Angry But it was my mum who insisted on them coming.
Almost as if she needed an audience.

TubbyDuffs · 24/03/2011 17:07

Good God woman! I wouldn't want to sleep over in a situation like that never mind a child staying there who has less coping skills than myself.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

NoWayNoHow · 24/03/2011 17:10

YANBU in the slightest.

Who gives a crap if she's off with you? If my DS had gone to a house where an "incident" occurred that involved both police and paramedics, and if the mother hadn't contacted me immediately to inform me, I would have torn flaming strips off her.

I would be very firm with her. Tell her that as long as her DCs grandfather is living there, that your children will not be visiting - you are their mother and it is your job to protect them. There is precedent for this behaviour, and therefore you cannot just take her word for it that he's fine now.

Let her know her children are welcome to your house at any time, but you are not prepared to let you children potentially go through another experience like that, no matter how small the risks.

SenoritaViva · 24/03/2011 17:11

YANBU

ScarlettWalking · 24/03/2011 17:18

Omg your 8 yo witnessed this? :(

that must have been really fucking scary for them.

Goes without saying yanbu

Original poster
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 24/03/2011 17:23

Wereyouleftit, I am sorry, I was not clear. DS was still at the lads house at about 10.30 that morning when the little girl came over to play. I suppose my point was that I was shocked that the mother didn't call me at all. The event took place at about 12/1 in the morning. DS didn't call me because he got in a state about doing so in front of the Mum. The girl told me at about 11ish I guess, which would have been plenty of time for the Mum to get in touch.
I wasn't contacted even though the police took a statement from DS which surprised me.

I talked to the Mum and she did express understanding that I would be reluctant for DC's to go over but now time is passing it feels uncomfortable.

I think SS are already involve TBH.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 24/03/2011 17:26

Your kids and your decision, and one that I don't blame you for making one little bit. As a parent, it's your job to keep your kids safe, and that's exactly what you're trying to do, no matter what this mother thinks.

ENormaSnob · 24/03/2011 17:26

I wouldn't let them over at all let alone a sleepover.

Tough shit what the other mum thinks.

I would also contact ss to clarify they are aware of the situation.

worraliberty · 24/03/2011 17:27

The police took a statement from your 12yr old without informing you/having you present?

Why didn't your daughter tell you when she came home? (confused)

NoWayNoHow · 24/03/2011 17:29

OP, I was thinking the same thing - how can the police possibly take a statement from your DS without informing you? He's 12!! Maybe time to put a little phone call in to PC Plod...

BulletWithAName · 24/03/2011 17:29

Sorry I'd I'd fucking judge- no way are you over-reacting!

ScarlettWalking · 24/03/2011 17:29

Why didn't he tell you he had given a statement to the police?!!!

Onetoomanycornettos · 24/03/2011 17:31

I can't believe you are even asking this question, your child gets accidentally hit, they witness an overdose and you are wondering if they should play over there? Really not, on your own territory only.

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