To continue banning DC's from going to this house.

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

I am NOT judging the situation in itself, but briefly.

DC's have friends who are brother and sister, of same age to them (my DS12 and my DD 8, the friends are also 12 and 8).
They live with their Mother and her Ex boyfriend's father who is registered disabled, from what I know is an alcoholic with MH issues.
They all share a living space in which the two adults smoke very heavily.

My DC's have been friends with them for about 7 years and I have a friendly relationship with the Mum but we are not close. They have played at this house which I have been reluctant about as DD especially is asthmatic and whatever I think of smoking, they come back smelling badly of smoke. But I let them play as the friendship is so long standing.

About six weeks ago DS begged to go for a sleepover to which I agreed.

During the course of the night, the Man had an 'episode' in which he was verbally abusive to my DS, threw things and in the process of his problem, threw himself over a sofa which resulted in DS being kicked in the head, although he was 'OK'. He then locked them all in the house for a short period before coming out of his room and taking an overdose infront of the DC's. The mother did not contact me, the police and ambulance were called and I did not find out till the next day when the DD came to play with my DD and let it slip.

I have to admit that I banned them from going to the house which doubly suited me as I am not happy that they are exposed to such a heavily smoky atmosphere.
The Mother is slightly 'off' with me now and the DS had told my DS that it is, and I am, stupid to continue banning DS from going over there after all this time.
He/they is/are welcome to come here but mostly won't, if DD's want to play together they obviously have to come here or go out.

The man is 'calmer' and apparently these episodes are rare although he has some obvious issues.

I get a heavy feeling at the thought of them going there but don't know if I am now over reacting.

YANBU Please don't let your DCs round there again.

When I was a child I was at a friend's house whilst her mum took an overdose. She was supposed to be looking after us, we found her unconscious. I had to call an ambulance and instruct my friend with operator's advice. We were 12 and we didn't know what was wrong with her until paramedics arrived and they found empty pill bottles.

Luckily after a few days in hospital she was physically fine. My parents did allow me to carry on going round but I wished they didn't. I didn't want to go but didn't feel able to tell my friend that myself. I think my parents under-estimated how much it had affected me at the time.

I am now in my 30s and still think about this on a regular basis (I'm not screwed up by it by any means, but I do think it's my worst childhood memory by a long way) I just know I would hate my DS to ever witness anything like this especially as a child. If you end up having to speak to the Mum YWNBU to say you are happy for her children to play at yours but you are not comfortable with yours playing at hers.

Something weird about your child giving a statement to police without you present or informed, surely? That can't be normal procedure, can it?

No, yanbu. By all means let the children continue the friendship, but nope, no way would I let them go to their house again.

For those asking about why daughter or son didn't mention police taking statement from OP's son... seems to me

a) OP's son was still at the other house
b) OP's daughter was still with OP, not having been for sleepover
c) other DD came to play with OP's daughter

so OP's daughter was as much in the dark about police visit, and OP's son was not home yet from sleepover to say anything had happened, but at that stage the other DD let slip there was an incident.

OP rightly concerned about other Mum not ringing, and while it may have come out later (assuming some bruise on OP's DS's head) he had not phoned - may have been cautious about saying something that would get the others angry.

OP YANBU to stick to your guns on your DC not visiting and definitely not having a sleepover. Shame that long-standing friendships may break, but the smoke issue would have been enough for some other families to have broken visits much earlier, and as DD has health issue, not fair on her. Doubt your DS is over keen even if this was a once in a million situation and may never happen again.

However cool the other Mum is, explain that you had for some time been concerned about the smoky atmosphere, and it is unfair on children to have that environment (not a direct dig at her for her own children, unless she sees it applies to them as well as yours!) and given what happened, when the police took a statement from your DS, but she didn't have the good manners, or common sense to inform you (OP) then your concern must be for the well being of your children, and if it means they will find new friends, so be it.

Re-iterate that her children are welcome to come to your non-smoking home to play but the opposite will simply not be happening, not now, not ever.

You can see a lot of support here on MN for your concerns, and it is simply short-sighted or irresponsible of the other Mum if she fails to understand those concerns. What she considers 'safe' does not meet your view of 'safe' and your views over-rule hers when it comes to your DC, however much it might upset or offend her.

She can be iceberg cold towards you, but your DC must be first in your concerns and about her DC, their well-being is her concern.

This all sounds very odd. FWIW I think it highly unlikely the Police took a 'statement' from anyone. They probably just asked what happened and wrote it down in a PNB which is not giving a statement. Also unless someone is arrested there is no need to take a statement off anyone.

Very tough, OP.
I guess I would think to move towards a situation where the DS might be allowed to visit around there again, but NOT sleep over for the foreseeable future. And the DD might be banned from visiting at all, although maybe ok if the DS is also there. Very tough, though.
I am not sure from reading this what your DS wants?
Your DD's bad asthma is excuse enough, though, in her case.

Thanks NetworkGuy, I think you have put things with more clarity than I did. I was trying to simplify the tale but

Zikes, (and others) I was alarmed about the statement being taken without my presence. I talked to him and the mother and got an overrall picture most of which tallied, but on talking to DS other details came out over the next couple of days. I didn't get the full picture from the Mum because she had been proposed to that night and was an emotional YoYo.

I know for a fact that SS are aware of the situation and were involved with him following his release from hospital.

OneTooManyCornettos, as I wrote the post I felt right and agree that I shouldn't have even needed to ask the question but have had chronic self esteem and confidence issues, Which have affected my judgement in the past. I am not proud of this and am working on it.

There is another situation in the village which has resulted in me being cold shouldered by a small number of people (DS was assaulted by an older teen and we took the lad to court), and however right we were, I cope very badly with hostility and it fuels self doubt.

This was also why I didn't follow up why I wasn't contacted when DS gave the statement. DS has just started to get back to normal after the trauma of the the assault, when I did express that this was unacceptable he beseeched me to leave it

I don't want them at this house, and however I empathise with MH issues No, my own DC's do not need to be exposed to it. I suppose I am guilty of just needing to be reassured that I was right.

Chocadoodle I am sorry you witnessed that. Sadly it won't be my DS's worst memory, but one he shouldn't have nonetheless.

Thanks to all though... getting it clear in my head has helped.

SooooCynical... You might be right, I only have the Mum and DS's word that astatement was taken. So perhaps it was just notes. I hadn't thought of that.

My daughter was involved as a witness when she was twelve, the police were called, she told me that she'd spoken to them when her friends dad was there, first I knew it was a statement was a year later when a summons for her to be a witness at court arrived on our doorstep, I wasn't happy about it.

your son was kicked in the head and no adult saw fit to let you know?

YANBU at all. i wouldn't let my dcs backl there either.

Yanbu

I wouldn't allow them to visit the house, let alone have a sleep-over. It is a risky household for any child.

Stick to your guns; the most important thing is your children's welfare, not what the mother thinks.

And I wouldn't assume that social services are aware of the problems. They do not know what is going on behind closed doors unless people tell them!! And the man may not be receiving a service for his mental health problems - it's not mandatory.

Do not allow your children back in that house again. Invite the children from that house to visit your children in your own home instead.