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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you consider this information to be in confidence if told to you ?

35 replies

Sanesometimes1 · 23/03/2011 23:41

Hi, first time posting here, just need to know if I am being unreasonable in being flabbergasted by this phone call this evening:- Story ( will try to keep it as short as possible), went out on Sat night with 3 friends have known them all since dc were small etc etc, we all have dd's (14yrs), anyway chat goes to how the girls are doing etc etc, mum 1 states that dd is just out of control at the moment and she dosn;t know how to reign her in says dh has washed his hands of her and is no support etc etc, my dd was very good friends with Mum 1's child up until about 6 months or so ago, they just sort of moved on as you do, dd still see's her though at school and has told me how she had really changed and is not the same girl she used to be etc. etc. has a boyfriend who's 16 and has left school already, goes out a lot to the park comes in late, hangs around with 1 girl who is just trouble etc etc, dd has also told me that there are rumours that she has been drinking etc etc, anyway did not disclose any of this at all to Mum 1 yuntil she comes out with the "I just don't know what she gets up to when she's out", at this point I tell her that dd has heard that she has been drinking, Mum 1 went very defensive and said that she has asked this and she has told her no, we all sort of said well it's up to you what to beleive and gave tips/advise on how to "gain back control", Mum 1 was very quiet for the rest of the evening but did not say another word on the matter and we moved on, chatting away as normal. DD went in to school today ( has been off Mon/Tues), and was approached by friend of Mum 1's dd, who told her that friend A is really really annoyed with her as she has now been grounded and it's all my dd fault for telling me and then me telling her mum that she's been drinking - dd bumbled through conversation and told her that she did not know what she was talking about and had to get to next lesson, was then approached by Mum 1's dd and another girl who said that they wanted a word with her - dd said she knew what they were going to say and told them that she had no idea what was going on and knew nothing about it - mum 1 dd told my dd that her mother had said that I had a real "go" at her called her a bad mother and accused her of not taking any parental care ! so.......... sorry this is long, I text Mum and ask her to give me a call this evening when she is fee, she does and the frost down the phone was unbeleivable, told me that she was very very upset that my dd had been spreading rumours about her dd and she did not ake kindly to the way me and the other 2 spoke down to her and basically told her that she was a crap mother - was flabbergasted and told her that she invited us to help and give advise and information given to her was on hearsay by dd - i did tell her that I did not know if it was true or not, also asked her why she had told her dd that it was me and my dd that had informed her, asked her if she was wise in letting her dd know where her information came from - her response was " well you did not say if was in confidence so I told her what you said" I have grounded her and am taking control of my family now and want you to know that I will not have vicious rumours being spread about my dd by your dd !!! told her that the information was asked for and given to help if I/we could, so am I in the wrong or is she being unreasonable here ? thanks

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TheSecondComing · 23/03/2011 23:45

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NimpyWindowmash · 23/03/2011 23:47

No I wouldn't necessarily treat it confidentially unless specifically asked to BUT she wasn't smart to tell her DD the source was your DD as that was bound to cause trouble. She is obviously feeling very crap about her daughters behaviour and is directing her anger at you. you were just being helpful and honest which I would expect a good friend to do, she is the unreasonable one.

Sanesometimes1 · 23/03/2011 23:48

sorry had to keep typing to get it all out quickly !

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TheSecondComing · 23/03/2011 23:50

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BitOfFun · 23/03/2011 23:50

You were a bit of a ninny to land your dd in it like that, really.

bubblecoral · 23/03/2011 23:51

You are both just tryong to do your best for your dd's.

No, I wouldn't expect that I should have to keep it confidential if someone told me my child was underage drinking, my priority would be to sort that out tbh. It would seem sensible to keep the source to myself, but in this situation the Mum could have been so upset that she didn't think clearly before speaking to her dd.

The Mum has definately overreacted by what she said to you. She is choosing to believe her child, which is understandable. She doesn't want to believe it, so she believes her dd, which has the unfortunate side effect of her then believeing that what your dd said isn't true.

Chances are this girl has been drinking, but you don't have proof of that, so you may have been wiser to stay quiet in the first lace and leave them to it.

I don't think there is a clear case of one of you being right and one of you being wrong here, it's just one of those unfortunate things.

DaphneHeartsFred · 23/03/2011 23:53

The other mother is clearly angry at being the last to know about her daughter's drinking.

However, there is nothing in what you have stated that would stop me from discussing the conversation.

I doubt that she has gone home bitching about you and your DD, it's far more likely that the argument went -

M - So you've been drinking???
D - NO!!!!!! WHO SAID????

etc.

I remember arguments like that with my mum.

TheSecondComing · 23/03/2011 23:55

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Sanesometimes1 · 23/03/2011 23:57

Yes on hindsight I should of kept my mouth shut, but had no idea that this would turn out this way - don't care about my relationship now with this mum but am worried for implications to my DD - I would never in a million years tell my DD who the "source" was if the shoe was on the other foot.
and sorry to the endlesscoming* was just trying to get it all out so it was not too confusing !

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CheekyLittleSox · 24/03/2011 00:01

Hmmm i dont know what to say i got confused without the paragraphs lol kept re-reading the same line lol

TheSecondComing · 24/03/2011 00:03

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Sanesometimes1 · 24/03/2011 00:07

sorry again about the paragraphs - can I edit it now that it's already posted ?

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BitOfFun · 24/03/2011 00:17

No, you can't. But you will know next time Grin

sims2fan · 24/03/2011 00:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable, provided you did tell her everything in a sympatheitic manner, and not in a judgey 'my parenting is better than your parenting' kind of a way. If you did it in a way in which you were clear that you were just concerned about her child and thought she would want to know what you know, then I think you were in the right. It's hard to know whether it was appropriate to say it all in front of the other women, because I don't know how much of a good friendship you all have. I have 3 friends with teenagers, and when we go out they will openly talk about their tenagers, and their problems, and we all give advice, or sympathy as appropriate! We are all close friends, so it is appropriate, whereas I suppose if you are all not such good friends perhaps she did feel a bit awkward with you bringing it up in front of others. But then again, she was the one who raised the problems she was having with her daughter, so she shouldn't have done that if she hadn't wanted anyone to know about it.

And she was daft to tell her daughter that it came from you and your daughter, as if she is having problems she could have used you and your daughter as spies to let her know if her daughter is doing anything too outrageous! I am Facebook friends with one teen who won't add his mum, and I have on occasion told her a couple of things he has posted that have concerned me. She would be daft if she told him I had told her as he would delete me and she wouldn't get to know the info anymore!

Sanesometimes1 · 24/03/2011 00:21

Thanks for responses everyone - off to bed now - tomorrow's another day ! just hoping that all is ok fo DD x thanks again

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sundayrose10 · 24/03/2011 00:30

How hard is it to paragraph. i'm not reading it.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 24/03/2011 00:32

how hard is it to read without paragraphs? Everyone else managed it.

sundayrose10 · 24/03/2011 01:00

Cotswold, it's very hard actually. I refuse to strain my eyes.

KickArseQueen · 24/03/2011 01:47

Sunday, put your specs on! its worth a read!

OP, I'm pretty much with TSC's last post.
Can you text the mum and tell her you are sorry she is upset and you were only trying to help? Point out that you have always liked her daughter and thought of her as a really good parent, if you didn't you wouldn't have been out for a drink with her (the parentWink) that night.

Tell her that trying to deal with teenagers is like trying to play cricket in a minefield, and think ( as hard as you can) of something your dd has done recently that stressed you out? It might help? Good Luck!

coccyx · 24/03/2011 04:27

truth hurts, the other mother is trying to blame everyone else.
she will be screaming ' why didn't anyone tell me she was illegally drinking?' when her daughter is found unconscious , lying in her own vomit

saffy85 · 24/03/2011 06:01

I agree with TSC- Would have been loads better to take your friend to one side tell her that her DD might be drinking underage if you were that concerned this was the case. Your friend went "rather quiet" because she was embarrassed and pissed off that you were all sat telling her that her DD is drinking and giving her tips on how to control her child. Must have made her feel like mum of the year. Not.

As for getting your own DD involved, even if your friend didn't tell her DD where this gossip information about her drinking came from, it would have taken her all of 2 minutes to figure out, so yes she probably will be annoyed at your DD for grassing. Even if all this hadn't come from your DD she would probably still think it had.

mummytime · 24/03/2011 06:14

Sorry but it sounds like the Mum has just realised she is being a bit crap. Would you ever say "I have no idea what my daughter is doing all the time"? I wouldn't, admittedly when my daughter is older she might be lying to me, but I would at least think I knew where she was.

You are just being hit by the fall out as the teller of bad news.

As for the stuff with your daughter, I would make sure the school knew and kept an eye. You can also give your daughter permission to bad mouth you to protect herself if she wants. BTW my daughter does know that if she tells me something I may pass on the information if its appropriate.

Morloth · 24/03/2011 07:29

Meh, I would apologise to your DD for landing her in it.

The other mother can't ask for advice etc and then get annoyed when she gets it.

Leave it, if it causes issues for your DD then deal with those but leave them too it otherwise.

Quite clearly it is none of your business.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 24/03/2011 07:41

I agree with Mummytime - your friend feels guilty she has failed her DD and is now looking for someone else to blame.
Shame your dd got caught up in it.
What have your other 2 friends said?

LeroyJethroGibbs · 24/03/2011 07:50

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