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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed at DH over porn on his mobile phone????

42 replies

MeelooMouloo · 23/03/2011 07:50

Had issues with DH porn collection when we first met (we were in our 30's) & he got rid of it after some furious rows. Then found he was downloading to his phone. Contract is in my name & I have access to download records. Cue another big row & I put a content lock on his internet use (childish I know but hey).

That was 3 yrs & 2 DC ago, we've had councilling & thought we'd got past this. However, I removed the content lock recently and have found out that he has downloaded porn almost instantly. Confronted him about it and amazingly he said it wasn't him but his friend who had done it by mistake. Obviously I didn't believe this, he replied if I was that upset about it I could delete it from his phone!!!

Things very frosty in our house at the mo, his argument is that it's harmless and just a bit of smut & I don't agree at all. Is it me just being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 23/03/2011 07:57

I don't think you're being oversensitive but I do think you're being naive to think your husband can be 'cured' of being stimulated by saucy photos. Sexual preferences are very personal, he's clearly had this one for a long time, has tried to please you with the counselling etc., but -as you're discovering - a ban doesn't make the preferences disappear.

Maybe ask him to be more discreet rather than expect total abstinence?

squeakytoy · 23/03/2011 08:02

I wouldnt say he was being indiscreet though. The Op went hunting through his phone.

Op, you knew he looked at porn when you met him. He knows you dont like it, but isnt flaunting it in your face. Plenty of people (men and women) do enjoy soft porn. It isnt a crime.

Chil1234 · 23/03/2011 08:05

Good point squeakytoy.... rifling through someone's mobile is the equivalent of eavesdropping on a private conversation. You might not like what you hear. I think, if you want your relationship to succeed, there needs to be a compromise. He acts with discretion & respects your sensitivites and you give him some privacy and respect his.

LiquidPeppermint · 23/03/2011 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unclejim · 23/03/2011 08:14

blimey you put a content lock on his internet use thats abit off,men will look at porn but as long as you have a healthy sex life and everything else is good i wouldn,t stress to much about it there are much worse things in life,
you could push this man away with behaviour like content locking thats what you do to children

Crawling · 23/03/2011 08:16

YANBU if something upset me that I would ask for counselling then my DP would put my feelings over his need to visualize in order to wank. Also the fact that he did it the second the block came off seems like he has a problem to me.

wonkeydonkies · 23/03/2011 08:24

i would be incredbly annoyed if my husband treated me like a child and policed my phone

you are definitely out of order OP

who are you to say what he can and cant view in private

unclejim · 23/03/2011 09:14

crawling dont you think its a problem for someone to be putting restrictions on what an ADULT looks at?if a women was on here saying there dh had put a content lock on her phone there would be uproar its controlling behaviour and not on be it man or women,and im not saying she shouldn,t be upset about the porn bit if thats upsetting to her but the rest is well out of order

Crawling · 23/03/2011 09:23

I agree the phone lock is totally out of order. But I also think lying about porn is wrong, that if a issue is important enough for one partner to want counselling that it should be respected and the sneaking straight on instead of discussing is wrong. It seems the partner has lied, gave no thought for the others feelings. So she has blocked his phone (which is wrong but was done after she was lied to and trust broken he said he stopped porn when he didnt). I dont think all partner should discuss porn habits but if it is this important to one member then I think lying and hiding is wrong.

It personally sounds like there are to many trust issues and control issues on both sides and without therapy I think they will split.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 23/03/2011 09:23

Just to be clear, I didn't go through his phone, I logged onto our shared laptop (kids use it too) & was looking in our saved video's for something related to our children and the downloads had been saved there automatically when he had plugged his phone in to download some photo's he wanted saving.
I didn't just put the content lock on to stop the porn viewing but to stop hi spending money downloading the stuff when we were really struggling for money. Personally I don't have a problem with soft porn, quite enjoy a little myself but this isn't "soft" porn. Its not really hardcore but is sufficient enough for me to be very uncomfortable about it.
Our sex life at the time wasn't normal & I felt this was influenced but the porn use.
I'm not his mother so don't police hi in that way but as the contract is in my name & I pay the bill I took the only measure I could at the time. Incidently I won't be renewing the joint contract this time, he can get his own.

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 23/03/2011 09:29

YANBU. If this is a non-negotiable for you then you and your DP have a real problem if he is putting his sexual desires and fancies over your feelings.

All very well for other posters to say that porn is OK for them - we each have our personal limits and it is OK for you to feel that looking at porn has crossed your personal line.

Your DP has broken your trust and has lied about it. You found the stash this time. Next time it could be one of your DCs. Your DP needs to step up and decide where his priorities lie. You or a wank?

mayorquimby · 23/03/2011 09:34

well out of order on your part and it seems unbelievably controlling

MooMooFarm · 23/03/2011 09:39

I am on the fence with this one. Personally I would not have a problem with H discreetly looking at a bit of porn (not thinking of anything hardcore btw...).

But IMO the issue here isn't if it's ok for men to look at porn, as much as it is that your H knows how much it upsets you, to the extent that you had counselling about it. So he's clearly happy to risk causing a huge rift in your relationship to look at porn behind your back.

But I don't agree with you putting a lock on his phone, or checking his phone to see if he's behaving himself. That in itself doesn't make your relationship sound like an equal, adult relationship; more like you're his mother and he's the naughty child.

And you also say there were issues with this when you first met. If you are so offended by porn, I can't help thinking that you should have stopped and had a long think before getting involved with somebody who is obviously so into something you despise. A bit late to say that, I know, but it's maybe worth considering that you did at least know what you were getting into, and you can't really change somebody.

MooMooFarm · 23/03/2011 09:41

Sorry, meant to finish with -

So if that's the only thing he does wrong, would it not be worth trying to give him a little bit of leeway with this?

I know I'll get flamed for saying that.

altinkum · 23/03/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

risingstar · 23/03/2011 09:44

i think that you are trying to control something that experience has told you cant control. maybe if you could live your life again, you would realise how much this bothers you and how important it is to him and decide that it is a deal breaker.

however, now you have 2 dcs so not a realistic option.

can you ever discuss this calmly with him? tell him that you do not want to treat him like a child, that you have different views but request that he makes sure that he takes steps to make sure that this cant be downloaded and viewed at home. you are not being unreasonable or unusual in this at all. i dont think that his interest is that unusual either. i think that this stuff is hard wired really.

agree, dont renew the joint contract and explain why, but factually not emotionally.

MrIC · 23/03/2011 09:46

YANBU

'nuff said! tell him to grow up and learn to appreciate what he's got instead of fantasizing over unreal objects

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 23/03/2011 09:50

MooMooFarm - understand what you're saying, didn't realise I was so against porn until I viewed some of what he found enjoyable. Not good!!
Don't expect him never to look at porn but in context of our previous issues over this I felt really upset.

The content lock seems to be an issue for some people. I didn't do it straight away, there was lots of talk beforehand but he still continued to spend large sums we couldn't afford downloading the crap so I stopped it. Didn't stop him having stuff sent to him by his mates.

Think earlier poster may have been right in saying this should be in relationships. Just feeling bit pissed off at DH tbh.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 23/03/2011 09:50

OP just read your last post and agree that it's completely out of order for you to find it on your laptop, particularly if the DC have access too.

We have a security system downloaded onto our pc because we then feel safe to leave the children to surf without us constantly having to look over their shoulders. It blocks porn, amongst any other unsuitable stuff. I wouldn't allow children free access to a PC without some kind of internet filter anyway - aside from your other issues.

ScroobiousPip · 23/03/2011 09:52

Why should the PO get used to porn? We all have limits - if the OP's DP had an affair in his private time, would you still be telling her to get over it? If it's a dealbreaker for the OP, it's a dealbreaker. It doesn't matter what the rest of us think.

It's a really sad day when women are told by other women that porn is OK and they should get over it.

ScroobiousPip · 23/03/2011 09:52

PO?? OP.

MissVerinder · 23/03/2011 09:56

OP, I don't think YABU. ITA with ScroobiousPip

Crawling · 23/03/2011 09:57

Actually if he is spending joint money you dont have then ok to block the same as a gambler. I speak as someone who has bipolar and whos Dp does moniter my spending because I have a problem. Spending joint money that you dont have on porn against one partners wishes is a problem.

altinkum · 23/03/2011 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 23/03/2011 10:04

"If it's a dealbreaker for the OP, it's a dealbreaker. It doesn't matter what the rest of us think."

And that's fine. You can have a discussion about it and if she's not happy with him looking at porn she can finish with him.
But putting content locks or trying to control what he does or doesn't watch is not on in my books.
Neither is painting it as "oh he's choosing porn over his wife.", because that over-simplifies it. He sees it as harmless and feels there's no reason to stop, I feel the same about porn, if I was given an ultimatum to stop etc. I would not stop. This wouldn't be because I'd be choosing porn over my OH but because I'd be choosing not to be dictated to on matters which I feel are my own decision and are harmless.

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