to be pissed at DH over porn on his mobile phone????

[MeelooMouloo]

Had issues with DH porn collection when we first met (we were in our 30's) & he got rid of it after some furious rows. Then found he was downloading to his phone. Contract is in my name & I have access to download records. Cue another big row & I put a content lock on his internet use (childish I know but hey).

That was 3 yrs & 2 DC ago, we've had councilling & thought we'd got past this. However, I removed the content lock recently and have found out that he has downloaded porn almost instantly. Confronted him about it and amazingly he said it wasn't him but his friend who had done it by mistake. Obviously I didn't believe this, he replied if I was that upset about it I could delete it from his phone!!!

Things very frosty in our house at the mo, his argument is that it's harmless and just a bit of smut & I don't agree at all. Is it me just being over sensitive?

I am confused here. You say 3 years and two children later.. so by my reckonining, your children are under 3. Is that right? Surely they dont use the laptop?

It is also possible that he downloaded something without knowing exactly what the material in it was. You dont actually know until you watch something, what the content is all the time.

altinkum it doesnt matter if you think porn is ok it is the ops relationship and she doesnt.

My partner was told before we slept together that porn was a deal breaker for me as I have been sexually exploited if I found him using porn I would leave. As far as I know he has respected that. This is no judgement on you you are entitled to your opinion but to me I cant accept it and that is my choice you cannot tell me I am wrong because I am entitled to not want to have sex with someone who uses porn.

meant to add:
Completely agree that if something is a deal-breaker, well then it's a deal-breaker and the op should realise this and take actions accordingly, I feel the same way about relationships.

Fine that you enjoy porn, altinkum but sad that we have reached a day where it's OK to dictate to another woman what her boundaries should be. We each have them - affairs, rape, smoking, S&M, whatever. Telling the OP to get over something that is unacceptable to her isn't helpful in the slightest except to dent her self-esteem.

"My partner was told before we slept together that porn was a deal breaker for me as I have been sexually exploited if I found him using porn I would leave."

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. Your boundaries have been set and your reasons given, he then has the choice of whether or not to proceed with the relationship.

'Had issues with DH porn collection when we first met (we were in our 30's) & he got rid of it after some furious rows.'

And by the sound of it, the OP also made it pretty clear at the start of the relationship what her limits were.

I agree with ScroobiousPip too.

Altinkum do you really think the OP's DH should be able to spend money they don't have on porn? That's what he was doing, selfish twat (OP's DH that is).

"But putting content locks or trying to control what he does or doesn't watch is not on in my books."

Even if it means he's spending money they don't have spare?

YABU in my opinion. Personally, I think porn only becomes a problem when one partner will pick it over sex. I don't see why the soft core/ hardcore is an issue, your turn ons are your turn ons, regardless of what title it's under on a porn site.
He seems to feel as strongly for it as you do against it, so compromise seems to be the only solution i.e only looks at free porn?

The issue here is not the consumption of porn, but the potential exposure of the DC's to material that they should not see. I understand that you object to it personally, and you have enforced your viewpoint through 'parental controls' - which is essentially what a content lock is.

The conversation I would look to have, would be along the lines of if this sort of material is on your phone, how do we manage to prevent the DC's being exposed to it, when your phone automatically syncs with the PC?

Being calm and open about it is by far the best policy.

U

"'Had issues with DH porn collection when we first met (we were in our 30's) & he got rid of it after some furious rows.'

And by the sound of it, the OP also made it pretty clear at the start of the relationship what her limits were"

Not really to me.
Furious rows and making someone get rid of their collection does not sound like she set out her terms and boundaries and then it was up to him whether or not to follow them.
Sounds like they disagreed on the argument, had a load of emotional bust-ups and she eventually made him chuck them.
If she had set out her position then there wouldn't have been furious rows, there simply would have been one discussion and if she discovered his stash subsequently she'd have been gone.
It seems to me she wanted to impose her terms on him rather than have him agree with her.

Impossible to know on the limited info given but the series of furious rows, phone blockers and the fact that they are still disagreeing on the issue does not sound like this was a mutual decision to me.

Also the fact that some porn (the stuff she likes) is ok but others is not does not exactly give the impression that a clear message of "i don't agree with porn" was present at the start of the relationship.

I do agree with mayorqwimby post at 10.18. As a result I dont think this is about porn. The op is happy for soft porn, happy for friends to send him porn. Her issues are hard porn left in places her children can access and him using money they dont have to download porn. These are both perfectly reasonable IMO. But her partner continues leaving porn where it is accessable to thier children and contines to spend thier money on porn. I think people need to stick to the ops issues and advice her on porn being left where her children can access it and her partner spending joint money on porn.

I am confused here. You say 3 years and two children later.. so by my reckonining, your children are under 3. Is that right? Surely they dont use the laptop?

It does seem a bit young to be using the laptop.

One solution would be to set up a user account on the laptop specifically for the children. On the admin account set the download folders to not be readable/writable/accessed by the DCs' account. Also set the browser security on DCs' to maximum. No downloading etc.

If you want to install any new software do this on the admin account and set access accordingly.

You can create a separate folder that the DCs account can access, then copy any appropriate photos to that.

Meeloo, I dont think you have done anything wrong. It is your primary responsibility to protect your dc and that includes shielding them from porn within your home. We should not even be having this discussion. If previous use has resulted in u attending counseling then it may be a bigger problem than u r letting on. Your children can access the computer so there should be a parent lock at all times. If dh does not see the need to protect ur children from material that could be harmful to them then thats another issue. Not sure i agree that porn is o.k. I think that men will always be aroused by porn but can potentially ruin them if not in check. About family finances, you do what you need to do to ensure that large sums of money are not wasted on things that will not profit. The dc's will continue to cost u until they leave the nest so bear that in mind. This is ur family. Fight to hold it together and protect it from anything that threatens its foundation. Goodluck

Only just come back to this, thanks everyone for your input, good & bad.

In answer to some questions, have 2 little ones under 3 & an older son from a prev relationship (he's 11) who is v. computer savvy but not ready to view this material. He is supervised & we have download content lock for when he logs in but this porn was already on the pc so would have bypassed the protection this gives.

I'm not wishy washy over what porn I find acceptable & what I don't, I don't like any of it but accept that men get turned on by it & there is always an element floating around when blokes get together. I wouldn't say I was controlling & didn't over-react initially, there were lots of discussions etc & in the end I had to be harsh to get the situation under control.

Due to the area I work in I have to be very careful about computer use & anything poss. borderline in porn terms could feasibly affect my employment. DH knows this.

Background to this is slightly more complex than I have detailed here but posted because DH has made me feel like I'm abnormal for making an issue over this.