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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....to expect more support from work when pregnant?

47 replies

modmum79 · 22/03/2011 21:47

AIBU or am I right to expect my work to offer me some level of support whilst I'm pregnant? Am 28 weeks pg and do a stressful job, managing staff and meeting hefty targets. I work in a really male dominated environment, and from the moment I've told them I'm pregnant I've had no support at all from my work- even though I've found things really tough, and getting tougher every day.

The deadlines keep piling up, I'm exhausted, and end up crying in the loos most days, which is pathetic, but the state that things have got in. And yet at work I'm constantly being reminded that pregnancy is no excuse to let up. My boss doesn't even acknowledge that I'm pregnant and it makes me furious that they expect so much from me and give so little back.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 21:49

I'm not sure, are they acting as they did before you got pregnant and you're expecting them to make allowances for you?

What kinds of things do you feel they should be doing for you?

maddy68 · 22/03/2011 21:52

its a case of sucking it up tbh, they are expecting you to do your job as per normal. TBH pregnancy is not an excuse to ease up

squeakytoy · 22/03/2011 21:54

YABU, Unless they are giving you extra work, then it is not anyone elses fault that you are unable to cope with your workload. It wouldnt be fair for others to pick up your work because you are pregnant.

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 21:54

It sounds like they are requiring you to continue to work as you did pre-pregnancy, doing the job for which you are under contract and for which you get paid. I don't really think that you can complain about that. Apologies if I'm reading it all wrong though.

Legislation exists about workplace conditions and soforth but I'm sure you know all that already and your remarks don't seem to reflect difficulties of that kind, merely a demanding role and challenging deadlines.

What support do you expect?

nocake · 22/03/2011 21:55

If your job involved working with hazardous chemicals or lifting heavy items then yes, I'd expect them to make allowances. If it is just stressful and busy then no, why should they behave any differently towards you because you're pregnant?

NewPathways · 22/03/2011 21:55

A friend of mine went through this. She was shocked as well. She was in a Managers role and had given everything for years. All was dandy.

Then (after 5 years trying including 5 rounds of IVF and 2 of IUI) she got pregnant with twins. Great she thought, I've been a loyal employee and very rarely sick I will get some leeway now.

No such thing. She was suffering physical exhaustions due to carrying twins and being herself very tiny, she had trouble breathing. She wanted to get off just an hour earlier everyday.

She was pulled into a disciplinary meeting and sent to a company Doctor as if she was deliberately malingering.

What she learned from that was loyalty and hard work gets you nowhere. She said if she could have done it all over again she would have taken the piss instead and been hung for a sheep rather than a lamb.

Go sick OP and fcuk them. It serves them right for what they are doing. if someone treated their wife like that they'd go mad. Mysoginistic pricks.

Amy0508 · 22/03/2011 21:56

i know its hard but i was in a similar situation. at the end of the day they need you to do your job, even more so now that you will be going on maternity leave soon.

it might be an idea though to speak to management about what their plans are for you when you go on mat leave, that way you can start to hand over some tasks gradually from now until you leave to help.

RibenaBerry · 22/03/2011 21:57

Erm, well you do sound a bit as if you are expecting them to be mind readers.

Many women want to carry on as normal whilst pregnant. If they are well and feeling up to it, they would often feel patronised and sidelined by having work responsibilities removed or eased up. Others want to slow down, reduce stress, etc.

You say you're being 'constantly reminded that pregnancy is no excuse'. How do you mean, because you say your boss isn't acknowledging that you are pregnant. Do you mean that not changing things is a constant reminder. I think that's what you mean.

If you need help and support, you are entitled to it. But you are (presumably) a serious professional women. So speak up, explain what your needs are and see what they can do for you.

Original poster

modmum79 · 22/03/2011 21:58

Yes really they're treating me the same as before I suppose. The trouble is I can't keep up with it all and haven't had any extra support, and can't stretch to do everything I need to do. I've asked to work flexible hours and days from home every now and then to stop me getting so exhausted, but have never received a firm response saying it was fine for me to do it - just a sense that whatever I do rests on my shoulders, as if being pg has become an excuse to slack.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 21:58

Yep, follow NewPathways advice and then thank her when industry does its best to avoid employing women of childbearing age.

PrincessScrumpy · 22/03/2011 21:59

When I was pg so was another lady in the office. She basically gave up at 22 weeks and so everyone expected me to. I worked to 36 weeks and worked hard to the end. If women expect to be treated equally to men we need to behave equal - unless pg has medical problems.

If you need help, ask for it or say you will have to be signed off - if that's how you feel. Despite what I said above, baby does have to come first - just don't expect men and women without children to understand that.

squeakytoy · 22/03/2011 21:59

Go sick OP and fcuk them. It serves them right for what they are doing. if someone treated their wife like that they'd go mad. Mysoginistic pricks.

And people wonder why there is so much uproar about equal rights. You are paid to do a job, it is not the employers, or your colleagues fault if you are unable to do your job because you chose to get pregnant. Sorry, but its not.

Ripeberry · 22/03/2011 21:59

Sorry, but pregnancy is not an illness. If you can't cope then go to your GP and get signed off early. I used to do a 2hr commute and have to walk along a dark deserted car park every night right up until 8 months pregnant.

RibenaBerry · 22/03/2011 22:00

Newpathways - what happened to your friend sounds nasty, but it really isn't helpful to assume all employers are the same. There is nothing in the OPs post to suggest that they won't be helpful if she explains any problems. Many employers are good about letting people finish an hour early or whatever. It's a bit sad to assume they're all bastards without giving them a chance.

Want2bSupermum · 22/03/2011 22:00

Start delegating. There must be someone on your team under you who will take over while you are out on maternity leave, you are 10 weeks away so use this as an opportunity to train them up now so the handover is seamless. To protect your job it might be an idea to have more than one person take over while you are away.

troisgarcons · 22/03/2011 22:00

TBH - you are contracted to do a job. Pregnancy isn't an illness - tho' god forbid, reading this forum, you'd think it was a life threatening illness .... your collegues shouldn't have to carry you; nor empathise for a situation of your making.

Harsh? maybe.

I can't be doing with hormonal women at the best of times.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 22:02

You're NBU to feel absolutely nackered at 28 weeks though, just focus yourself on the cuddle you're going to have with your baby

It can be much nicer looking after a baby than doing a job and being pregnant, at least you'll be able to get up off the settee

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 22:04

'I can't be doing with hormonal women at the best of times.'

And out of the thousands of forums out there in cyberspace, you made MN your home?

Habbibu · 22/03/2011 22:04

Check your situation against the Health and Safety Exec's guidance. Might be worth looking at company policy for pg workers to make sure they're adhering to it - some people aren't aware of existing policies and laws.

magicmummy1 · 22/03/2011 22:09

Sorry but yabu. It's not unreasonable for your employer to expect that you continue to do your job while pregnant, though they should do a proper risk assessment to ensure that you can carry out your duties safely.

Hope you feel a bit more on top of things soon!

AKMD · 22/03/2011 22:13

YANBU. I can't believe some of the comments on here but I'm presuming that the 'suck it up' posters had textbook pregnancies and breathed out their DC.

Pregnancy is not an illness but it is a medical condition with a huge impact on a woman's body and ability to cope with stressful situations. I also worked in a very responsible, stressful job during pregnancy with no support whatsoever and ended up with a tiny, weak baby, almost certainly due to the stress. Not to mention horrendous PND and anxiety... At week 34 my midwife insisted that I saw a doctor to get signed off for the rest of my pregnancy as the pressure at work combined with pregnancy was making me will.

Your workplace have a duty of care to you and your baby. It is a proven fact that high levels of stress in pregnancy can harm a developing foetus. If your company is not protecting you by making your work safe, they are not complying with their legal responsibilities. Have you had risk assessments performed?

AKMD · 22/03/2011 22:15

ill not will!

WriterofDreams · 22/03/2011 22:16

I'm pretty shocked at the harsh responses you've got here OP. I don't think it's too much to ask for your job to treat you like a human being rather than a machine that has to deliver regardless of circumstances. I hate the idea that has crept into working life that employers can basically disregard your circumstances and expect life and soul from you, it's so cold and unfeeling. Given that people spend such a huge amount of their lives at work I think it's important that we insist on a bit of compassion from employers.

I'm not saying they should fall over backwards to make life easy for a pregnant woman but if someone is having a difficult time - be that pregnancy, illness, bereavement, whatever - it really shouldn't be too much to expect the company you give so much time and effort to to show some concern for your wellbeing. If it's all about results and profits then it's all a bit shit IMO :(

FWIW OP I had a very easy pregnancy but my work were very willing to do whatever they could to make work that bit easier for me. As a result I was able to work up till 38 weeks and they didn't have the hassle of me leaving early and having to find someone to replace me before I went on official ML.

MistyB · 22/03/2011 22:30

Have you spoken you to boss and explained that you are fully prepared to carry on doing your job but need some support / flexible working arrangement etc? Does he have children - may well need reminding that women do get tired when pregnant.

My risk assessment advised limiting travel where possible and limiting overtime where possible. Your risk assessor may suggest working from home to limit exhaustion from commuting.

How would address this if you felt over worked, stressed and under pressure and were not pregnant? Is if possible that you are feeling unable to ask for help as the pregnancy rather than the excess workload would be seen as the issue? Can you just say no to work, prioritise, hit rather then exceed targets - sometimes that is OK!! (and when you have childcare to juggle, these could well turn out to be essential skills!!)

Could you address this as a handover issue instead - a 2 month handover worked really well for me and my team - a bit of a luxury I know!!

BlackSwan · 22/03/2011 22:43

modmum - you have my sympathies. I would take this as a warning of things to come. Expect the situation to be no different if/when you return to work from maternity leave. If they aren't being flexible now, they won't be then. Make the situation work for you. Do your days work and get out of there. Don't sweat over targets that won't be met. Your primary responsibility is to your child and yourself.

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