Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint bank accounts my stomachs already churning , is this just jitters

39 replies

Deliainthemaking · 22/03/2011 16:14

herro

My DP made a joint bank account today, we'd been discussing it and logically a good idea to save money etc save for a mortgage. Everytime the subject is brought up my stomach churns, I think well what if this means he's gonna try and tell me what I can spend! Control me, or he spends alot and thinks its okay because he works! And he works for himself so the income varies and if we move out what if we end up hard up! (We have a DC btw)

I have this horrible sinking feeling of dread that when I leave my mums house ill be totally under his financial control and things will go badly. I mean I'm not a big spender and hes never told how much I can spend etc. So I see its mainly irrational

It may come from my family. My grandad was mean with money my Gran was SAHM (the 60's) and was given a measly allowance to feed 3 kids on whilst the reast he took to the pub and my Grandma had to make my SA in secret, to this day my grandma will put money in a card and we can't tell my Grandad.

My dad was feckless, and mentally unstable he would disapear and take lots of money sometimes £400 at a time lout of the bank constantly leaving us in loads of debts and then went to uni and left us in even more debt. Going from Job to job always upsetting bosses. so no stability.

I don't want people to think I'm hunting out a sob story do you think thats why i feel like this or do most people have worries as its such a big step?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 22/03/2011 16:18

If you want your own money and don't want to be told how to spend it, earn it yourself.

If you do earn your own money have seperate accounts but contibute equally to the joint account, there is nothing to say that everything you earn if you do earn should go into the joint account.

Original poster
Deliainthemaking · 22/03/2011 16:19

I'm a SAHM mum atm I'm looking for work

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 22/03/2011 16:19

YANBU... Best advice I was given pre-marriage was 'always have a bit put by'. Retain a few savings or a cheque account to call your own rather than put all your eggs in one joint basket. You can't beat the knowledge that you've got a bit of money to call your own... gives you a shred of independence. A lot of men are like your grandad and dad, sadly. Others are just crap with money. And even if you're in luuurrrvveee and even if he seems to be totally trustworthy you don't have to give the man of your dreams free rein with your last penny.

When things went horribly wrong I was very glad I'd got a bit to call my own. Saved my life :) Good luck

steamedtreaclesponge · 22/03/2011 16:19

Delia, does your DP try and control you in other ways? Have you discussed exactly how the joint account will work? (i.e. will you both have a card, what your budget will be, how much you're allotting for spending on the weekly shop, bills etc)

It does sounds like your experiences with your family might be clouding your feelings about this step, but without more information it's hard to tell. Do you earn any money yourself? Will you continue to have individual accounts for personal savings or will everything come out of the joint account?

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 16:21

Don't do it, you obviously aren't comfortable with it so why set up the account?

Is your DC also your DP's? If not, that's even more reason to keep finances separate.

What I would do is keep my own account and have a joint account for joint expenses, eg. bills etc, that we would each put an agreed amount in each month. But I would never have a joint savings account.

BaadRobot · 22/03/2011 16:22

My DH and I have just set up a joint account, but we both have our own individual accounts too. We have agreed to pay a set equal amount into the joint account each week and from that the bills and groceries will be paid for. Anything in our own accounts will go towards our individual bills and whatever we want.

I can't see that there's anything scary about it, but can understand your worry with your background. You could just keep your own individual account open like we do.

MmeLindt · 22/03/2011 16:23

We have had a joint account for years, and finally put all the accounts in one name when we got married.

Would not even consider having my own savings, but then I know that even in the unlikely event of us splitting, that DH is an honest man.

What is your gut feeling about your DP? Is he an honest man? Has he shown controlling behaviour in other ways? Or is this purely about the other men in your life - and the fear that your DP could turn out like them?

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 16:23

Cross post

If you aren't working why set up an account for you to put money in? Have I/you misunderstood? Maybe it's so it's easier for you to take money out

ShatnersBassoon · 22/03/2011 16:23

Set some ground rules to make sure you both know how you intend the account to be run. You must trust your partner to be fair, or you shouldn't go ahead with the arrangement.

Your dad and grandfather are nothing to do with your relationship with your partner or with money, so don't assume it will all go wrong just because they messed up.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 22/03/2011 16:23

Do you have a separate bank account in addition to the joint account?

My advice would be to use your joint account for joint expenditure. Pay in your salary and or benefits in to your own account and arrange a transfer into the joint account to pay the bills.
Draw up a budget so you know exactly what you both need to pay to pay off all the bills - and ensure you including spending money for both of you.

I don't blame you for feeling uncertain especially as your dad was clearly crap with money - but if you love and trust your DP it won't be necessarily the same for you, as long as you both agree to how to pay the bills.

FWIW - DH and I don't have a joint account, most of the bills come from my account and he just transfers a big contribution. All of my income goes in to my billing account and he pays some bills from his account and also provides petty cash to both of us. I also control the credit card which is used for our day to day expenses (though he is a 2nd card holder) and if my income won't cover the bills for a particular month he covers the shortfall on top of his normal contribution. He earns 5x my income and it works well because we always keep each other informed of what we are spending and as far as we are concerned there is no his/my money it is all our money.

Original poster
Deliainthemaking · 22/03/2011 16:24

Erm he never has said outright 'you can only spend this' but he can be a bit controlling

I have my SA which I made clear to him is mine, in light of what my grandma went through for 16 years to keep it for me.

My mother said something to me she picked up that when the topic of joint bank account came up apparently the first thing I said was 'no-one is telling me what I can spend!'

OP posts:
Ephiny · 22/03/2011 16:24

I wouldn't get into the situation of being financially dependent on someone without being married to them.

Personally I would always have my own personal account as well as a joint one, and just use the joint account for shared expenses like paying the rent and bills. It's just nicer not to have to be accountable to each other for your own personal spending, and easier to budget and keep track of how much money you have to spend if it's only you accessing it!

MmeLindt · 22/03/2011 16:25

Yes, we had a similar set up as Badrobot and MmsMum.

Lived together for 5 years, joint account for house/costs. Individual accounts for clothes etc.

Once you see that this works fine, and you both budget for holidays etc together, then you will have more trust in him.

noodle69 · 22/03/2011 16:25

All our money has gone in to one joint account since we were engaged at 19. I think its a better way of doing things as you always have money to cover the bills and it isnt 'mine' or 'theirs.

KatieWatie · 22/03/2011 16:26

When we got a mortgage I hated the idea of losing my financial independence. We set up a joint account, but continue to have our incomes paid into our own bank accounts. Then we keep the same amount each month for 'spends' (like fuel, clothes, entertainment, lunches), and transfer everything else to the joint account.

The joint account pays the mortgages, bills, food and has extra in there for car/house repairs, vets bills, stuff like that that might come up.

It's always worked really well for us. I must admit it does mean I don't use the joint account at all (even though I have a card) because I wouldn't want us to go overdrawn and default on the mortgage or something. So if I am buying house stuff like food I tend to buy it out of my own money, but that's fine, it all works out in the end.

Reality · 22/03/2011 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Deliainthemaking · 22/03/2011 16:27

Thankyou good advice all its just set up to save for the mortgage.

maybe its just paranoia seeming that way

OP posts:
BaadRobot · 22/03/2011 16:28

Reality I'm thinking it must be Savings Account

Reality · 22/03/2011 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Deliainthemaking · 22/03/2011 16:30

Yea sorry should said Savings Account

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 22/03/2011 16:31

If you don't want to do it, you don;t have to. you don;t have to obey a man just because you are dating him. If you would prefer to keep your finances separate, or do as others have suggested and have a joint account for bills etc but your own account for spends etc, then discuss it with him.

If he insists on doing it his way despite your objections, you've got bigger problems than a bank account to worry about.

plopplopquack · 22/03/2011 16:32

Because of your history you might need to take the whole joint account thing slowly. One step at a time. Explain to your partner why you feel like this.

Dropdeadfred · 22/03/2011 16:34

Why does he want a joint account ? wha benefit is it to him if you have no income going in to it? why not leave it unil you are both earning then discuss it again?

purits · 22/03/2011 16:35

What's the problem?
If a current account, then insist that there is no overdraft facility.
If a current account, then insist that both signatures are needed to make a withdrawal.

Why are you with a man you don't trust?

purits · 22/03/2011 16:36

Sorry savings account = both sign

Swipe left for the next trending thread