Joint bank accounts my stomachs already churning , is this just jitters

[Deliainthemaking]

herro

My DP made a joint bank account today, we'd been discussing it and logically a good idea to save money etc save for a mortgage. Everytime the subject is brought up my stomach churns, I think well what if this means he's gonna try and tell me what I can spend! Control me, or he spends alot and thinks its okay because he works! And he works for himself so the income varies and if we move out what if we end up hard up! (We have a DC btw)

I have this horrible sinking feeling of dread that when I leave my mums house ill be totally under his financial control and things will go badly. I mean I'm not a big spender and hes never told how much I can spend etc. So I see its mainly irrational

It may come from my family. My grandad was mean with money my Gran was SAHM (the 60's) and was given a measly allowance to feed 3 kids on whilst the reast he took to the pub and my Grandma had to make my SA in secret, to this day my grandma will put money in a card and we can't tell my Grandad.

My dad was feckless, and mentally unstable he would disapear and take lots of money sometimes £400 at a time lout of the bank constantly leaving us in loads of debts and then went to uni and left us in even more debt. Going from Job to job always upsetting bosses. so no stability.

I don't want people to think I'm hunting out a sob story do you think thats why i feel like this or do most people have worries as its such a big step?

Well, if you haven't got any money to put it there, it's not really an issue right now is it?
Not meaning to be flippant!!

Doesn't it mean either of them can legally access the money at any given time, rather half legally belonging to each person? As in either of them could take all the money out if they wanted, and if say they split up then the other could do nothing to access it once it had been taken out of the account. That's why it seems a risk for an unmarried couple, though perhaps more of a risk for the OP if she has no income of her own and could be left with nothing.

Or you could see it as a bigger risk for the DP if it's mostly his earnings going into it, depends on your perspective!

In their situation I'd probably just say let's both save separately until we have enough between us/enough to pay half each of a deposit on a house. Or else get married and call it joint money!

exhausted got there before me. If your DP is working then it is likely that he will be the major contributor to this account and you the main beneficiary.

Am I right in thinking from your OP that you are currently living with your Mum? Does this new financial arrangement mean you are planning to move in together? If so then surely it is only sensible to have somewhere that you can both access the money to pay the bills.

It does sopund like your DP is prepared to place more trust in you than you are in him. Or have I totally misunderstood the situation?

I have only ever had a joint account. I trust dh and I have always trusted him, even before we wed. Their is no 'his' and 'mine' money. I know what goers into our account. so does he. He can spend what he likes , when he likes, and we never ever justify our purchases to eachother. Iwe get bank statements, and can see all our accounts online ( we have s few other accounts that we use to transfer savings for holidays etc, ) infact he is always encouraging me to buy more. bless him, I tell him I have seen a pair of shoes for £80. I tell him it seems like such a lot. Too much. FGS Obs, he says, just do us all a favour and buy them. tonight. he says. ahhhh. this is because both of us are 'low maintenance' people !!
Many people on Mn don't like joint accounts. Presumably they have been burnt before. I haven't.
But the other part of your posts do really concern me. why are you with such a controlling person. do you generally date people so controlling. it is common for women to do this, when their father was so.
I find your general attitude to being controlled quite worrying. are you having counselling ?

Hi Delia

I'm going through something similar myself and know exactly how you feel. When my DC's were first born, I had a joint bank account with my now ex. To be blunt it was a nightmare. She completely controlled what was spent and there were rows whenever I decided to buy something she "disapproved" of. Which essentially was everything other than food.

Me, I wanted to live a bit. Now dont get me wrong, I have never ever been in debt other than mortgage & car loan. But my philosophy is that sometimes we all need a treat.

The bottom line is that our attitudes to money were very very different. She grew up where there wasn't a penny to rub together. I grew up comfortable but not rich. And that set our attitudes. Ultimately it didn't work.

I ended up getting my own account at her request and a couple of years later, it was she who suggested we get a joint account again but by which time I'd gotten used to the independence and refused. Anyway, years later she told me that one of her fears was actually that I'd get us into massive debt. When it turned out I didn't and was managing quite well and earning a lot more, thankyouverymuch then ofc she wanted to share. Well it was too late then.

And now I am in a similar situation. My DP has now found a job but the hours and pay are variable. So the only logical solution is that we have a joint account. Otherwise she can't predict what she brings in and so any bills she has, may not be paid. But this time we have a more similar attitude to money. But there's still that niggling doubt in the back of my mind. But I guess that's my problem to deal with and there hasn't been a problem yet for us that we've not been able to discuss rationally....unlike my ex.

Anyway, the point I've seemingly rambled on to make is that you need to consider both your attitudes to money. If its roughly the same then it can work. If not then the best thing to do is get separate accounts.

Thankyou yeah our attitudes are different like you said my DP grew up with little money and comes from a family that obsess over money

I'm a bit more laid back, I grew up poor but differently

How about this for a suggestion then? This is what a friend of mine did with his wife and it worked for them.

Both paid their salaries into the joint account and out of that came all the bills.

Whatever was left was then split into half and paid into separate current accounts.

So lets say your combined income is £2000 and your bills come to £1000. Then you each get £500 into your account. That's what you each have to spend. You can splurge on what you like, so can he.

Then if you want to buy something jointly you can sort it out between you. If you want to say buy new clothes, whilst he wants an xbox game, you get it from your own account.

Best of both worlds but it relies upon your OH seeing your contribution as a SAHM is equal to him working (and vice versa) and the income being steady each month. It's the main reason I am not considering it. It gets too complicated to work it out if your income varies a lot each month.

A joint account is fair, and really quite sensible. Worst case it can get tricky, but generally you will be far better off joining forces with him. Clearly he is showing trust towards you in proposing a joint account that will, for the meantime, be entirely funded by him.

when you find work how about going on a percentage of your income - say 60%-70% each for example - gets paid into your joint account. You can both do what you like with the rest, save it, spend it - whatever. The joint account will have a healthy amount that you can use for all joint expenditure. The chances are that one of you will be earning less than the other so a percentage amount is more fair.

My Mrs (SAHM for 7 years) hates the idea of a joint account and I can see why. Quite rightly she doesn't want to feel controlled financially. If you don't want to then don't do it. Talk about it and insist that you have an agreed set amount transferred to you every month regularly (it's your money as much as his). Best thing to do to encourage this is to really get involved in the management of the money so that you can show how much responsibility you're taking.

I transfer virtually everything to my Mrs now (my choice) - makes more sense from a tax/savings perspective and demonstrates that she is just as more important as a SAHM than I am as the bread winner. Hope she doesn't kick me out.......

We have separate bank accounts and I love it. I earn my own money and can spend it on what I like as long as I'm responsible and the bills are paid and the dcs are looked after. My dh can't boss me around or at what I'm spending. I also have my own savings account.

Don't rush into joint accounts if you're not happy. Or, if you have to, then retain your own account and put a certain amount in there each month.

I have a joint account with dh (I got added onto his existing account). I also have my own account but all that goes into that is the child benefit (I am a sahm). I have my own card for the joint account and can spend whatever I want/need to (within reason of course). DH would never dream of telling me what/what not to buy even though it is him that has earned it. I am the one that uses internet banking and keeps an eye on the account and makes sure we dont go overdrawn, etc.

I've never really got the joint account thing unless you also have individual accounts, and use the joint account for shared expenses. My DH and I are not joined at the hip. His money is not my money and vice-versa.

So if you don't want a joint account then don't sign the paper work!