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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a pre-nup?

45 replies

Darpist · 22/03/2011 15:12

Ugh okay, we've been engaged for the past 8 months but he still doesn't want to sign a prenup.

I make more than him. I'm also getting a large inheritance and I plan on starting my own business. I wanna protect my finances and I think he should too instead of letting the government decide in case of any eventuality.

He keeps stubbornly refusing saying it's better voluntarily exposing your assets and your future to vulnerabilities like divorce because it's a sign of "trust".

My parents always raised me to be very smart and protective of what I had and I don't understand why he has to be like this.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 22/03/2011 15:14

Yes you are, because a pre-nup sounds like you have no intention of staying together forever, it's like you don't trust him.

The fact you earn more means nothing. Are you not aware that what is left to you as an inheritance does not form part of a divorce settlement as it was left to you and not both of you, so he couldn't touch your inheritance anyway.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 15:15

You've said he keeps stubbornly refusing, so I gather you're putting him under a certain amount of pressure to sign?

Being smart and protective isn't the same as setting yourself up for a fall.

To me, what you're saying to him is that you don't trust him or the relationship you have with him.

I don't think I'd be shit hot keen on marrying someone who had one eye on our divorce.

JaneS · 22/03/2011 15:16

Why are you getting married then?

I didn't think pre-nups had any legal status anyway, or has that changed?

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 15:18

Yanbu IMO

I would think twice about marrying him.

SomethingProfound · 22/03/2011 15:20

It's sad but in this day and age I think you do have to protect your self. I personally if DP and I ever decided to tie the knot would have either a pre-nup or some sort of agreement about assets if we split.

jazz412 · 22/03/2011 15:20

some and some really. Personally I don't like the idea prenups because of the trust thing but also marriage is about sharing imo so it doesn't matter who earns more it's both of your money whilst your together.

On the other hand I would be pretty pissed off if I had a lot of money, got married, it didn't work and then I lost half of it for example!

If you're asking for a prenup where does the insecurity in your relationship lie? you? him?
because if there are those insecurities then maybe you shouldn't get married? (I'm not saying ever but right now?)

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2011 15:20

If you use the inheritance for joint ventures (home deposit for example) I think it can be split in the event of divorce. I have been married twice and would always go into a marriage with my eyes open. I would get some legal advice on how to protect yourself and do what you can without a pre-nup. I know it's not romantic but so many marriages end in divorce that it is silly not to acknowledge that.

altinkum · 22/03/2011 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saltatrix · 22/03/2011 15:21

I'm of mixed minds on this yes people shouldn't really view their marriage sceptically but the reality is half of all marriages fail so if you have a lot coming into a marriage it is only logical to want to protect yourself. Especially since this will be money you obtained before marriage therefore should your partner have a legal right to that?

That being said it's never going to look good which ever way it is said and I don't think pre-nupts are legally binding in the UK yet.

FabbyChic · 22/03/2011 15:22

When you get married and buy a house together you both contribute to the house that makes it a fifty/fifty split.

Earnings do not come into it, however savings will generally be split fifty/fifty.

Any inheritance you have when you go into a marriage in the UK only belongs to the recipient and no spouse can touch it.

When you marry you are a partnership and everything should be split 50/50 it matters not what someone earns that's just bollocks.

OliPolly · 22/03/2011 15:25

Dont get married then.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 15:32

I agree with Oli, if the blokes not doing as he's told before you get married, you'll have no chance once the ring's on his finger.

LucretiaInShadows · 22/03/2011 15:37

If you divorce, the court will consider your respective needs before it considers where the money came from. So, if splitting your inheritance meant that you could each have somewhere to live, but ring-fencing it meant that there would not be enough in the pot to house you both, the court could order it to be shared.

Pre-nups aren't binding at the moment, but are persuasive, once each party's needs are met. That's the court's priority. If you've got enough aside from the inheritance, you've a better chance of protecting it, if that makes sense.

EldritchCleavage · 22/03/2011 15:38

After the Court of Appeal decision in that German heiress case, English courts probably will enforce a pre-nup, provided it has been entered into freely with proper legal advice obtained by both sides. hey aren't bound to enforce it though.

Concentrate on clarifying what he would get if you divorced, not what you're concerned to keep from him. If the pre-nup looks fair and gives you both clarity and security in the event of a break-up, he's more likely to see the point of it.

nickelbabyhatcher · 22/03/2011 15:41

YABU

once you're married you can write a will to pretect your assets, but the whole point of the marriage contract is that you will share everything

you shouldn't enter into a marriage if you think you might get divorced (not saying there's no chance of divorce, but it's not something you should be looking for)

NinkyNonker · 22/03/2011 15:51

They're not legally binding anyway are they?

Wamster · 22/03/2011 15:53

I am assuming that you are talking about for when you are actually married.

Look, I can totally understand you wanting to protect your assets; I'm not being judgemental- fair enough. Got to look after number one and all that.

But, then, if this is your attitude' why get married in first place?

Marriage is about sharing everything.

Is wearing a nice dress more important than losing your money and assets?

My advice: don't get married and he gets his and you get yours in event of split.

chickchickchicken · 22/03/2011 15:54

yanbu in fact i think you are being very sensible. its not about trust, of course you wouldnt get married if you thought you were going to get divorced. fact is lots of people still get divorced. i think he should see this from your point of view and realise that you need the extra security of a pre-nup. the very fact he is refusing is worrying

Wamster · 22/03/2011 15:58

I don't think you are being sensible at all.

The sensible things to do would be:
Upon marriage, totally embracing each other in every area of life and sharing everything.

or...
Not marrying at all.

What the hell is the point of going into a marriage with one eye on the door?
The only time this makes sense (although I have to admit they wouldn't be very nice people) is if someone is a golddigger.

Clearly, you are not a golddigger.

manfromCUK · 22/03/2011 15:58

I would've signed one - but I would've been a fool to. In the finish I financed the marriage to a much greater degree than ex wife's inheritance. At the point of divorce, with no kids, she demanded maintenance.#

I agree you shouldn't get married if you feel you need this.

clitorisorclitoraint · 22/03/2011 16:01

YABU. Do you love this man?

Sounds like you have a closer relationship with money tbh.

Chil1234 · 22/03/2011 16:05

Stay single. YANBU to want to protect your money and it wouldn't be unheard for someone to hitch themselves to a wealthy partner, purely because of the cash. Stay single, save yourself all the costs of marriage and (if it happens) divorce and the issue of shared assets simply doesn't arise.

vj32 · 22/03/2011 16:31

I put significantly more money into the house deposit than my partner (now husband).

I am not a hopeless romantic (possibly as a result of seeing very very many divorces) and while I think you enter into a marriage intending it to be for life, it does not necessarily work out in anyone's best interests for a couple to stay together and be miserable.

However, I trust my DH enough to know that whatever the circumstances of a divorce, he would do the right thing by me and our child/ren.

Adversecamber · 22/03/2011 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumInBeds · 22/03/2011 16:41

I'm very happily married with no pre-nup and until recently couldn't see the point in them but having seen the way my brother has been treated by his now ex-wife I think there is a place for them if you start your relationship with vastly different assets. That said, you can't make him sign so you need to decide if you want marriage or possession of assets more.

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