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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a pre-nup?

45 replies

Darpist · 22/03/2011 15:12

Ugh okay, we've been engaged for the past 8 months but he still doesn't want to sign a prenup.

I make more than him. I'm also getting a large inheritance and I plan on starting my own business. I wanna protect my finances and I think he should too instead of letting the government decide in case of any eventuality.

He keeps stubbornly refusing saying it's better voluntarily exposing your assets and your future to vulnerabilities like divorce because it's a sign of "trust".

My parents always raised me to be very smart and protective of what I had and I don't understand why he has to be like this.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
ajourneyofgiraffes · 22/03/2011 16:47

I have a prenup for various reasons - but one of them was not in the event of a divorce. The main reason was in the event of one of us starting a business, getting into debt, and believe it or not, wanting to protect the other from that debt. We currently have equal assets because we have bought or invested in that way, despite unequal income.
I don't know what the different prenups in the UK are like, or the different ways of getting married are, so I'm not sure if my reasons would apply there.

However, the whole opening yourself up to vulnerabilites, or trusting your partner, should run both ways. If you trust someone enough not to have a prenup, surely you should trust them enought to want to sign a prenup if that's a comfort that they they need.

Adversecamber · 22/03/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happiestblonde · 22/03/2011 16:55

YANBU

In fact because of the inheritance thing my dad has already sorted something akin to a pre-nup with the family solicitor that essentially transfers all property of mine back into his name if I get married then divorced.

It entirely goes against my views of love and marriage but having seen what some people go through with men they love/trust enough to marry on the relationship threads I am inclined to agree.

maxpower · 22/03/2011 16:55

You've asked him, he's said no. Either respect his decision and get married without a pre-nup or don't get married at all. Re the inheritance a) how do you know you're going to come into money? and b) why not ask the person leaving you the money to put it in trust for you only? (not sure if this would protect it in the case of a divorce btw)

memphis83 · 22/03/2011 16:57

in this country pre nups arent worth the paper they are printed on, my sister owned 80% of her house got a pre nup they remortaged a small amount for renovations, she earnt 3 times what he did when they split last year he ended up getting the same % as her and to top it off as she had dragged him through courts for her share she had £20,000 court and legal fees to find too, so once the house sold she now is worse off financially than 15 years ago

happiestblonde · 22/03/2011 16:58

that's really interesting about inheritance. Does it include assets signed over through the 7 year loophole though?

LessNarkyPuffin · 22/03/2011 17:04

I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to want. It would protect you as much as is possible under UK law. As he won't sign you now have to choose what is more important to you- marriage or the prenup. A prenup can make life a lot smoother as both sides understand what will happen if there is a divorce.

You could always see if he feels the same about prenups if you suggest he gets more money/ a greater % of your assets. If he suddenly feels happy signing run!

worley · 14/01/2012 08:49

if Darpist is still around I wondered how she got on with the pre-nup?

I split from my ex almost three years ago (after 12 yrs) and am now having to pu house on market to pay him. When we me I already lived by myself so when the time came for us to move in together I had everything ready (he lived with his mum) we used my savings for further items and to set us up when ds1 arrived. It was also me who had the deposit for the house when we brought. Now I stand to be in a much worse financial situation than I was before ex dp. So. I have made a promise to myself that if I ever find myself in a probable long term relationship I would want a pre-nup agreement to protect my both my sons and myself from losing everything again.

I know this is an old thread but was reading about pre-nups....

fedupofnamechanging · 14/01/2012 09:12

I think if you have dc from a previous relationship, then it's not unreasonable to want to protect assets for them - your responsibility to them would be more important than anything else.

Given that you are both starting out in life together, and at the moment don't have dc, a business or house, just a disparity in income, then I think you should only marry someone that you are fully prepared to wholly share your life with. If you can't do that, then perhaps you shouldn't get married.

I would not sign a prenup in your partner's position and I would seriously be reconsidering whether I wanted to marry someone who had no faith 'us' and who didn't trust me. Kind of negates the point of marriage.

worley · 14/01/2012 09:23

I would not even thought of such a thing prior to exdp. but now I wish i had. hindsight is a wonderdull thing! as much as you love and trust some one, you do not know how they may change many years down the line. I would never have thought that exdp would act this way at all. so now I feel that a pre-nup is a good thing. even if it is just to protect the house for my dc.

worley · 14/01/2012 09:24

and I love the name karma :-)

knittedbreast · 14/01/2012 09:24

If you want to keep your finances totally seperate, dont get married.

If you dont want him to have your money dont get married.

TBH by your msg it dousnt seem like you really want to get married, if its just for the big day, reallly just dont

JustHecate · 14/01/2012 09:32

Honestly, if you're going into marriage thinking how you are going to protect what's yours - don't get married.

With all my worldly goods, and all that...

Marriage is about sharing your life and everything that you have.

I know, I know, I'm in a minority with that view Grin but I truly believe it.

ViviPru · 14/01/2012 09:42

Why are you getting married, OP? Perhaps examine your motivations as a starting point and perhaps a solution will become clearer.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/01/2012 09:44

Thank you worley

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/01/2012 09:47

I think YABU.

I brought more into my marriage than my DH did, and I would never have wanted to start a marriage with contingency plans in case it didn't work out. IMO, that's almost like asking for it not to work. But then I also wouldn't get married to a man that didn't want me to have my own financial security, and I I think the fact that he is so resistant is saying something in itself.

He should want to protect you, but you shouldn't feel like you need that protection.

HereIGo · 14/01/2012 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustHecate · 14/01/2012 10:04

Grin I never noticed, HereIGo.

I almost never think to look at the date on the OP.

JustHecate · 14/01/2012 10:04

Although I do now want to know what happened in the end.

worley · 14/01/2012 10:36

yes I did acknowledge I was an old thread I just wondered how it all worked out to as it was a subject I've been thinking about past few days ..

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