To not allow DD (14) any money (even lunch money) as she spends it on sweets/chocolate/cake and I am worried she is going to turn into a Ten Ton Tessie like me!

[FFFS]

She has never bought lunches at school since starting secondary as if so much as a nibble of food passes her lips whilst she is on school premises, other kids will call her fat but I have still given her £10 a week just in case she has the courage to buy a sandwich. She will also not take packed lunches as all the other kids will laugh at her .

Now we have a large Tesco which is on her way home from school and she will go in there after school and buy family sized choc bars/sweets, massive bags of crisps and coke/red bull etc which she hides in her bag and snaffles in her room. I have told her and told her about it and always offer her a snack as soon as she gets in as I know she will not have eaten since breakfast but she refuses. I have always done my best to educate her on nutrition etc but she will not get it.

We have gotten to the point now where she refuses to eat her dinner that I've slaved over as she's too full from eating crap. I also constantly find that she's raided the cupboards for our junk stash and keep finding wrappers behind her bed (2 snickers bars in one afternoon). The DCs are supposed to ask for the junk (which I let them have when appropriate) but can take sandwiches/yoghurts/fruit as they wish if they feel hungry between meals. DH has said we cannot have it the house then as she is constantly taking it and I agree so no more biscuits/crisps/chocolate etc, might do me a favour as well. I have even bought her a vitamin supp but she will not take it .

I am overweight myself and currently losing it and I am terrified that she will turn out like me (I put it on after DCs though)as she is definitely getting bigger, she bought a pair of size 10 jeans last week and could not fit into them. I do not want her to be skinny btw just healthy and I only mentioned size 10s as that is what she has been for the last year, she was an 8 before that though . She is covered in spots, has no energy, will not sleep until late, no concentration at school so is failing and her teachers are getting fed up with her, and is generally horrible in behaviour and attitude so I have decided to not give her the £10 a week 'lunch money' or her £50.00 a month allowance so she will not have money to spend on this crap until she starts eating better. She will have the option of taking packed lunches to school still.

AIBU?

No you're not being unreasonable but I don't think it's the answer (I understand how you feel, though.) I think you need to see the doctor together and enquire about counselling, to be honest, trying to be supportive not judgemental. My own mum used to go nuclear if she caught me eating a biscuit and I was bulimic for years!

WTF? Why does your DD have such a warped idea of food and health - that must be worrying, where does it come from? Is she being bullied?

Yanbu but you have to ban the food entirely from the house and have the same rules for everyone

Spots aren't always caused by crap eating, it's mostly hormonal isn't it?

No energy/sleeping late/no concentration is typical teenager behaviour.

I think you saying you're scared she's going to turn into a 'Ten Ton Tessie' may be the problem, it's not very nice.

You have to be careful you don't transfer your fears onto her when you're teaching her about a healthy lifestyle.

Really tricky. I don't know what to suggest as I don't have teenagers but the sneaking stuff into the bedroom and wrappers under the bed rings loads of bells with me as a teenager. And sure enough I've been overweight all of my adult life. So definitely a good idea to tackle it now if you can, YANBU in that.

poor girl - she sounds really unhappy.
Yes, I would withold cash to stop her buying junk and send her in with a healthy packed lunch.
Is she likely to "swap" stuff with her friends, or borrow money? If so,you may need to enlist school's help. Have you told them about her eating problems?

Most of her friends are similar btw so she sees nothing wrong in it. She is not being bullied.

I do not want her to have 'issues' around food that is why I have been talking to her about it rather than lecturing but I cannot ignore it can I?

Of course I have not told she will turn into a Ten Ton Tessie or said she is fat. I keep it from a nutrition angle when we 'discuss' it.

The last straw was the 6 pack of mini rolls that she bought this afternoon. We do not 'search' her btw, DH caught her coming out of Tesco with them!!

'She has never bought lunches at school since starting secondary as if so much as a nibble of food passes her lips whilst she is on school premises, other kids will call her fat but I have still given her £10 a week just in case she has the courage to buy a sandwich. She will also not take packed lunches as all the other kids will laugh at her.'

What the hell????? You've let this carry on for years. She sounds like she is developing serious food issues- not eating in front of people and bingeing in private.

Yanbu. I wish my mum had done this with me and put the money she used to give me into a savings account instead. I wish she had stopped buying biscuits, ice cream and fizzy drinks too because if it was there, I would eat it.

Your DD might swap food with friends but there is only so much of that to be done. They will soon stop lending her money if she can't pay them back too. Instead of giving her pocket money, could you go on a mum & daughter day out shopping, stop somewhere nice for lunch? Or ask her if she would like to join a club after school or at weekends?

She sounds like she's got an eating disorder to me - refusing proper meals, bingeing on junk and hiding wrappers etc from you. Take her to the docs ASAP before it gets even more out of control.

YANBU but really think you should talk to the school about this. They should do some kind of healthy eating awareness campaign because being called fat purely for eating is ridiculous and should be stopped.

Could you tell her she's not getting the money but if she starts eating properly, you will save it up and take her on a shopping day out for some nice new clothes? Or offer some other kind of incentive in addition to what your already proposing?

Agree you should talk to the school. Worrying that a bunch of girls won't eat in front of each other!

Also, why do you have a "junk stash" at home at all? it really isn't necessary, makes the junk too available and no matter how you hide it, kids will find it!

You need to see the GP. Nobody else. She sounds quite far gone within herself with regards to food...stopping her money won't help. I am a recovered Anorexic and I feel so much for young girls today...it's so bad that they're in this sort of mess.

what's the deal with not eating at school? is this just her, or all her mates? why would people laugh at her (or anyone) having lunch?? if just her, sounds like she is being bullied. if not just her, the school has some work to do on this attitude. Not good for to go all day without eating - no wonder she stops and buys stuff as soon as she's out in the afternoon.

My dd is the same. At 11. Refuses to eat/moans about anything I've made, despite the fact that until this year she's never been fussy. Eats crap at every opportunity. Won't go to sleep at night or get up in the morning. And she's getting fat.

I see it as part of her adolescent rebellion. The more I point it out, the more determined she is to neck as much KA/fried chicken/ice cream as she can get down herself.

What to do?

Dunno, other than not keep crap in the house, and not give her too much money to spend on crap when she's out.

This sounds like a quite worrying problem which could get much, much worse if it is not handled right.

I agree with some of the other advice on here to go to the Doctor and go to the school. She needs some informed help.

"refusing proper meals, bingeing on junk and hiding wrappers etc from you".

Actually I don't think this behaviour is unusual. A lot of my friends daughters are like this too.

Bloody infuriating.

Please be careful how you do this though - my mother banned me from eating all kinds of things when I was young and I just ate them later and am a ten ton tessie myself now because I never learned moderation.

What about a treats til after dinner rule so she hopefully eats her dinner but you are not "policing" her in a way she may react against?

Also, of course, moderating the treats you buy which is what I do now so i have to make a conscious effort to go and buy chocolate/biccies etc

No mention of exercise anywhere in your post, OP... what physical activity does DD do?

You must talk to the school about this culture of diet policing. Have you really not said anything before? She must have been at secondary school three years if she's 14?

In what way is size 10 huge? I can see that it must be a concern that she's gone up a dress size, but she's only 14. Is puppy fat before a growth spurt no longer acceptable?

She has been allowed to become afraid of eating proper food at school so fills up on junk on the way home. She eats junk - her skin is bad - she has no energy...think there's a link here somewhere?

Presumably the school does not have cashless catering cards which can be topped up remotely by parents/carers? If they did she would not need to have cash.

Is she the only student who is afraid to eat in public at lunchtime? If she knew or thought there were any others, might there be a possibility of the school finding them somewhere to eat together? Perhaps enlist the help of the school nurse/pastoral team/counsellor?

Maybe a food tech teacher could do a little healthy eating club at a lunchtime and allow them to sit and eat what they make?

You must get the school's help on this, what your daughter is experiencing is terrible.

I will not ban DD from eating anything, she just needs to learn some moderation and without money, she will have to learn some control. I fully expect her friends to buy her stuff though as she does for them.

I have never really thought of bringing it up with the school before as I did not see it as their responsibility but I will make an appointment to see her Head of Year about it as I know it is very common amongst the girls. I kind of accepted that she would not eat at school so tried to make sure she had something as soon as she came in. I was even having a sandwich and a salad ready in the fridge at one point but she kept on refusing it.

She does not only eat in private, she eats with us and with family and friends, it's just the junk she eats in her room.

Exercise - if only, she used to do lots but is not interested anymore (will not be seen dead on a bike ride with us) and will not do any after school clubs either. That is another condition I intend to add to her getting her money back .

I used to do this. When sent in with sarnies I didn't eat them, my mum found them in a bag in my room. When give any money I would buy sweets, choc and biscuits. I would eat a multi pack of trios in myroom after getting back from school. Why? I started hanging room with a group who didn't eat lunch. Simple as that. Yes I was hungry but as I'd had to wait I'd have something really nice, go to the shop whatever I fancied.

I know how it sounds, I was about 12 I think. I wasn't confident enough to say I'm hungry so I am gonna go and eat something. This is where I started putting weight on. Which I didn't lose and added to how I felt. Now don't get me wrong I didn't put on loads and loads but it effected me.

My parents were strict, I know that has effected me in other ways. I honestly don't remember how it stopped, like I say I know was involved to a degree but she didn't know the whole story. Maybe I do still have a bad relationship with food.

She needs help, there is a reason she is doing this. It may be something silly like me or it could be a serious probl. I don't know the best way to help her though. I'm sorry.

Not wanting to be scary, but that sounds much more like anorexia type issues than getting fat issues.

The three anorexic's I was friends with at school all ate seemingly normally at home. One purged, one bought snacks and binged and purged, the last one just didn't eat outside of parental supervision. None of this was realised by their parents until they were 18ish. Conversely, as friends, this was just how they had been since they were 11 and it was normal to us, so we didn't make a fuss particularly either.

jez mandy2003, i was glad to see your post

size 10 - now in a 12, surely this is not ten ton tessie stuff?

what height is she - has she still growing to do

agree she needs to understand nutrition, but would be more worried about the not eating all day as people think / she thinks she is fat

size 10 is not fat