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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wine drinking

28 replies

BronxCheer · 21/03/2011 14:45

AIBU to expect DH to not consume at least one bottle of wine a night? He does, occasionally, have to remain 'dry' and can do it without going bonkers, but it's so rare that I am worrying about the amount of booze he gets through. I have spoken to him about it, but he brushes it off and denies the amounts in question. On the few occasions where he concedes it, he just says "x drinks just as much" or "I'm stressed" (my opinion is life is stressful and I don't care about x)...My problems with it are a) he's boring and snores excessively post boozing (multiplied when in company as +++ wine then (boring on not the snoring) b) useless in am at weekends as can't see need to get up early unless going to work (we have 2 small ones) c) I don't want to look after some liver-failed individual if he gets health problems (he's fully versed in what could happen) d) sets a terrible e.g. to children

OP posts:
PinkToeNails · 21/03/2011 15:03

Is my DP two-timing me with you? He drinks (in my view) excessively, but sometimes I wonder if I'm too anal. I like to have the odd glass of wine at home (of course) but can't see why someone would want to drink loads every night. Since the pregnancy my sense of smell is still really strong and I can't stand the smell of booze when I'm lying in bed. I also hate the boring/argumentative person he becomes and hate the snoring.

Completely get what you are saying about staying in bed at the weekend too.

TBF to my DH has cut down a lot recently but that is after years of nagging and me nearly exploding on several occasions.

I hope he will see your point of view soon.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/03/2011 15:07

I think a bottle of wine a night is far too much. Actually think having to have a drink daily is worrying in itself. I simply cannot drink in the week as I can't cope at work with a fuggy head any more.

He should cut down, what he is doing is having a real impact on you and your chidlren's lives, as well as his health, as you pointed out in your OP.

Thing is he will probably not respond to your telling him to cut down, as he doesn't recognise he has a problem.

Horrible situation for you.

prettybird · 21/03/2011 15:14

Count up the number of bottles and then translate that into units. Remember that there are no longer just 6 units in a bottle of wine - it is more like 8-10 (or even more Shock) becasue of the increased strength of most wines bought in this country.

Ask him how that equestes with being a responsible father. If he doesn't want to change his habits, ask him to take out a generous life insrance policy so at least his family will be catered for should the worst happen.

At the very least, ask him to have at least two "alcohol free" nights a week so that his liver gets a chance to recover. There is evidence that x units spread evenly over the week is more dangerous than x units over 5 nights with 2 nights "clear".

Chil1234 · 21/03/2011 15:27

YANBU...having lost a good friend to liver failure who was a 'couple of glasses a night' girl, a bottle a day is too much, even for an allegedly stressed man. It's encouraging that he can go without for a day... the issue of alcohol dependency is less likely if he can do that. But for sheer volume of alcohol, he's not doing himself any favours.

How you get that across without him digging in his heels and accusing you of nagging is anyone's guess. If he doesn't think it's a problem he has no incentive to change. Can you afford so much wine? Could money-saving be a motivator? Is he overweight? Out of condition? Does he visit the doctor at all (long shot because no-one tells a doctor the truth about their alcohol consumption). Could you suggest separate bedrooms because of the snoring.... hit him where it hurts in the gentleman's area?

prettybird · 21/03/2011 15:45

Grin at the "no-one tells a doctor the truth about their alcohol consumption". They routinely double what people tell them.

I have to tell our GP that I am being honest becasue I can count the number of bottles we put out at the end of the week and we are sad bastards who never go out. Dh's alcohol consumption is more diffiuclt to measure 'cos he drinks whisky as well, but I went off spirits when I was pregant with ds and 10 years later, I have only got as far as enjoying sniffing a whisky (which as far as I am aware, doesn't need to be counted as a "unit" Wink)

BettyCash · 21/03/2011 16:07

Could he be moved out of bed when he drinks too much? Could you think of anything to do together that's a 'dry' activity? You have to allow people their pleasures - especially if he's the breadwinner, he probably is quite stressed and tired - but it's a shame he's not as considerate as he was about the issue.

matchesmatchesnevertouch · 21/03/2011 16:10

"You have to allow people their pleasures"

Yes.

"especially if he's the breadwinner"

What???????????

E320 · 21/03/2011 16:18

We used to get through a lot of wine in the evenings. Now I have a rule that wine is to go with food and that has reduced the amount being consumed. And if work is very stressful there is another rule that says no booze during the week - hard woman, yes! Mineral water (sometimes diluted with fruit juice), tea or even coffee, but no booze. It is not hard and you feel a lot brighter for it.
Necking a bottle of wine will NOT lower stress levels. Enjoying a glass or 2 with a meal is much, much better.

PeskyPiskie · 21/03/2011 16:26

I think my DH is two timing with both Pink and Bronx. So YANBU. I am therefore going to lurk and see if anyone has any ideas on how to get DH to cut down.

Ephiny · 21/03/2011 16:30

I think that's far too much to drink every day, is he not concerned about the risks to his health? According to this a bottle of wine is about 10 units (depends on the type of wine I suppose), so a bottle every night adds up to 70 units a week - it's not recommended for men to drink more than 21 units per week, or 4 per day.

He needs to find a better way of dealing with stress. And if it's affecting his relationship with you and his ability to pull his weight with childcare, then that's not fair on you or the children. The hardest bit is going to be getting him to recognise he has a problem though, I thought the health angle might be the best way to approach that.

poptyping1 · 21/03/2011 16:38

Swap the wine for non alcholic stuff and hope he doesn't notice

prettybird · 21/03/2011 16:40

That link has strange Maths: a 250ml glass of wine has 3 units but a bottle of wine (which is almost always 750ml) has 10 units Confused

Ephiny · 21/03/2011 16:54

That is true prettybird - maybe the figures are based on different wines in the two examples?? Confused, I'm sure there's a lot of variation. Or maybe they just rounded up to 10!

Still think it's far too much either way...

Jins · 21/03/2011 17:01

I've been through this with a friend who thinks nothing of a bottle - sometimes more - a night.

A bottle of spirits has 26 - 28 units in it. When you point out that they have had the equivalent of over a third of a bottle of vodka then there is usually a look of realisation.

Wine is dangerously easy to drink sometimes

Original poster
BronxCheer · 22/03/2011 12:39

He doesn't listen to nagging; he knows the health risks; he doesn't see how it affects me (I have told him). I'm actually at the stage of insisting on marriage counselling....but can't quite face the discussion. It's kind of easier to pretend the problem doesn't exist even though I know this route won't end up easier in the long run

OP posts:
prettybird · 22/03/2011 13:39

Go to the alternate plan I suggested: make him take out a generous life insruance policy since he is gambling with his health Grin

Chil1234 · 22/03/2011 13:50

I think marriage counselling sounds like it's in order. It goes beyond drinking and health-concerns, after a point. Instead it's like any other form of stubbornly selfish or upsetting behaviour that drives a wedge through a relationship. Respecting each other's opinions, listening to each other's concerns etc.

I ignored my ex-H's drinking habits for far too long. His family had a history of alcoholism and, whilst he wasn't dependent, he was a miserable bugger. Any attempt to get him to modify his behaviour was met with drama-queen stomp-offs and accusations of 'you're not my mother' blah, blah, blah.... We split up for lots of reasons in the end, but him being a grumpy drunk, slumped in an armchair at the end of the day with a bottle of wine didn't help.

Original poster
BronxCheer · 22/03/2011 13:50

Sadly he is also a smoker (hate that habit too but he does in the garage and it doesn't affect me as much as the boozing) so life insurance policy was prohibitive - I'm sure any new policy would ask about alcohol intake and if not honest when filling out form wouldn't the company not honour it if died of alcohol-related illness? Luckily I do work in good job so although we'd have to move to smaller house if he died we wouldn't be on the streets...gone a bit morbid here..just want him to stop and be old DH. I must admit I do have some controlling tendencies (I.e. life for all would be much better if everyone/DH did what I said).

OP posts:
Original poster
BronxCheer · 22/03/2011 13:55

Chil: Totally agree with you and ditto with other problems...feel worried counselling will uncover loads of other simmering problems that I'm suppressing due to sleep deprivation and lack of desire to solve/ability to cope with conflict. Also know I am very bossy/always right, but at least I have insight..

OP posts:
prettybird · 22/03/2011 14:19

Maybe just seeing how much it cost might knock some sense into him? (says I hopefully, knowing it is a forlorn hope)

nickelbabysnatcher · 22/03/2011 14:27

my ex was like this (don't know if he still is)
he always said as he was stressed, he would drink.
and that he suffered from insomnia, so he had to drink before going to bed or he couldn't sleep.

he was dependent on it, imo, because when he tried once not to drink one night, he didn't sleep all night, thus confirming his own theory.

hewasn't a wine drinker, though, he drank 3-4 cans of lager in a night.

when I got him to cut back, he changed to 2-3 cans and a couple of glasses of wine.

nickelbabysnatcher · 22/03/2011 14:28

he also put on his doctor's questionnaire that he drank 20 units a week.
his doctor replied that it was refreshing that someone told the truth about how much they drank.
:( - his total was nearer to double that.
(a can of lager is 1.8units)

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 14:41

Save the bottles to show him at the end of the week, add up what he's spent over the week and tell him that, tell him to take the bottles to recycling and see if he's embarrassed by it, give him a reason/excuse not to drink and point out any withdrawal symptoms he has, he knows the long term health risks but what the short term ones, the insomnia, inability to concentrate, increased stress and that horrible red face and blood shot eyes?

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2011 14:46

tell him to come on mn and talk to the daughter of an alcoholic about being a young child with an alcoholic father,who thought everyones daddys were like that.then ask him if he wants a bottle of wine a night.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 22/03/2011 14:46

Drinking every night will make him a LOT more stressed, no doubt about it. So he needs to stop kidding himself that it is a stress reliever for him.

I'm not sure what you can do though. I recently cut right back on my drinking - wasn't drinking anything like the amount your husband is, but I had fallen into the habit of a glass or 2 or wine a day. But I chose to do it. If my H had tried to talk to be about it, tbh I'm not sure I would have taken it at all well.

Perhaps for a start, you could refuse to share a bed with him if he has been drinking, because of the snoring. At least then there is an obvious and immediate consequence to the drinking.

It's really hard, but a bottle a day is a lot, as others have said. There is no way he can keep that up and stay healthy.