Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

OH's ex contacting him

44 replies

IceRoses · 21/03/2011 12:30

Hi all
I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years.We're engaged,have 2 small dc and have just bought a house together.
His ex(who he was with for 2-3 months)keeps on writing to him.She sends him private facebook messages and emails.
I've seen this when he has left the computer open/didn't log out etc.(I don't try to hack into his emails btw!)
The other day she wrote to him saying how she keeps dreaming about him and that's why she had to get in touch etc.
The thing that annoys me aswell is that he writes back to her and I don't know what he is writing!
I told him that this is not on.I cannot imagine in a thousand years contacting an ex and being flirty knowing full well he is with somebody else.
DP goes mad at me saying he can't help it that she keeps contacting him and what is supposed to do 'tell her to bugger off'..
She is in her mid 40's with teenage children and is in a relationship.I think DP thinks that I'm immature as I'm in my late 20's and I don't want to seem jealous.
Do you think I should send her a message?What would you do?Please don't flame me!!!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 12:33

Well "tell her to bugger off" pretty much covers it for me!

He is being an idiot and either a)likes the attention from a love lorn ex or b) is spineless and needs to man up!

TheSleepFairy · 21/03/2011 12:34

I wouldn't message her, you need to talk to your DP & tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
How would he react if it was the other way around?

I would want to know why he is messaging her back, she is an ex for a reason, do you know why the split up?

NewPathways · 21/03/2011 12:34

DP goes mad at me saying he can't help it that she keeps contacting him and what is supposed to do 'tell her to bugger off'..

Yes, that's exactly what he is supposed to do.

If he is writing back to her, he is encouraging her. He is probably enjoying the ego boost.

I would be having a few strong words with him. It's intolerable.

prettyfly1 · 21/03/2011 12:36

errr bugger off would be the soft approach in this house - yes he should tell her to do one and anything less is disrespectful to you.

Original poster

IceRoses · 21/03/2011 12:37

Thanks Bogeyface!
Sleepfairy-she was with my dp while married(going through seperation etc).It was difficult for them to stay together.
He seemed head over heels about her.
Feel like sending a message to her.She's made me so wound up.He writes lovely things back to her.

OP posts:

flipfloppop · 21/03/2011 12:37

Next time he leaves himself logged on you tell her to "bugger off"

twilight3 · 21/03/2011 12:46

now I feel realy embarrassed... A few days ao I had a dream about a roup of people I used to hang out with years ago and had lost touch with... Nothing romantic there... But I PMed most of them apologising for not being in touch and saying I had this dream and it's what made me get in touch again... Now that I read your post I feel very silly

Back to you, I see nothing wrong with being in touch with an ex, but flirting is pathetic and undignified for both parties.
Don't message her, it's your DP's job to ignore her flirting. Not much you can do though I'm afraid. Do ask him though how it'd make him feel if you did the same...

twilight3 · 21/03/2011 12:47

group of people

Original poster

IceRoses · 21/03/2011 12:47

Thanks everyone!He made me feel like I was going mad!He was shouting at me and calling me insecure/jealous annoying.I ended up being the one feeling in the wrong.

OP posts:

SugarPasteFrog · 21/03/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

IceRoses · 21/03/2011 13:06

Thanks Sugar!Was very tempted to send her a message and tell her she's a pathetic etc but I know deep down that I will look like the idiot.Just hate people like her-I would never send flirty messages to another man while in a relationship and knowing he's in a relationship.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 13:11

It's not for you to tell her to 'bugger off'. She'd probably be delighted knowing that she'd 'got to you'.

Your DP has to tell her that he doesn't want to keep in touch with her... and then he has to ignore anything she sends through with no reply. Anything else is just giving the wrong message... or maybe not.

Odd behaviour from your DP...

SugarPasteFrog · 21/03/2011 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sn0wflake · 21/03/2011 14:02

I'm sorry but I think that the fact that he got angry at you is a bad sign. He is trying to make you feel bad because he knows he is in the wrong. From what you have written I think he has unresolved feelings for this woman. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you....just means they didn't really become ex's in the normal way.

In my opinion you have to demand no contact. Absolutely none.

You have to stand up for yourself. Tell him in no uncertain terms that unless he gets his act together he is risking his relationship.

You should take absolutely no bullshit from him. He's being an arse.

RunAwayWife · 21/03/2011 14:03

He is an idiot, message her and tell her to f off

Sn0wflake · 21/03/2011 14:07

I don't think you should contact her. She is NOT your business. She did not make a commitment to you, she did not have children with you, she is not planning to marry you, your DF is.

You say you hate that sort of woman. Listen I think you need to look to the real culprit in this situation - your DF.

You can't do anything about the other woman. You can do something about your relationship.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2011 14:11

Of course you shouldn't message her - that makes you look like an immature kid. Neither can you 'demand' that he doesn't message her - you can't control him.

You can ask him not to message her as it makes you wonder if he still has feelings for her and it upsets you.

Or you can decide not to stay in a relationship with someone who ignores your feelings.

Have a think about what else he could do to allay your fears - do you think he is still attracted to her ?

You need to have a proper conversation with him - not one where you 'demand' he does what he's told

ENormaSnob · 21/03/2011 14:13

WTF is your dp doing writing back?

I think there's more to come op.

Sn0wflake · 21/03/2011 14:15

I think that if they are about to make a commitment to each other for life that she can ask for no contact with an ex that he is still flirting with.

If he refuses then I would be looking to get out of the relationship.

This is no way to start a marriage.

Chil1234 · 21/03/2011 14:21

I was contacted by an ex boyfriend precisely because - it turned out later - he was unhappily married and wanted to rekindle an old flame. We corresponded for a bit but I'm sure his missus would have been mortified if she'd known his real motives. The 'dream' thing is a bit of a red-herring and usually there's one blindingly obvious reason for getting back in touch with someone who is supposed to be consigned to your past. Trust your instincts. Good luck :)

waterrat · 21/03/2011 14:26

this sounds very bad OP, sorry, but it does. Im very much for fighting overly jealous feelings - having been driven mad by them in the past - BUT - you have to be able to trust your partner.

Please do not even think about messaging her - its your husband who is behaving deeply inappropriately here.

Funnily enough something similar happened to me - an old flame sent a text to my DP saying 'dreamt about you last night - what could that mean'...he IGNORED IT. he told me 'god, what a nutjob, why is she sending me inappropriate messages, Im embarrased for her.'

In the early days when I was paranoid, he said to me - you can look in my phone any time you want, I've got nothign to hide.

Im afraid you are looking in the wrong place - your H should not be messaging this woman and you know it. Ask politely to see his messages, saying you are feeling a bit upset about it all and would like to know what they talk about.

Do not be put off if he accuses you of being crazy - I promise you, a good man would be sad and sorry that he had upset you.

this is meant to be your husband - your best friend and person you trust most in the world. There should not be secrets and he should not be doing this.

Original poster

IceRoses · 21/03/2011 14:46

A year ago I found emails from another woman(an ex from his uni days 20 yrs ago!).She was saying that she had to be careful as she has a husband and is sending private msges from her friends email.
My DP asked how could he know it was really her and she said 'remember the oil incident' and then he said 'oh yes now I know it's you'etc.
She had sent him her mobile number so I texted her and said 'hi it's me'(pretending to be my dp).
She called back straightaway and then I had a massive go at her etc..My dp heard,grabbed the phone and said how sorry he was and how embarressed he was by me.
Also when my ds1 was only 5 weeks old dp went to Germany on business.When he came back he forgot to delete his memory on the laptop.I saw that he had been searching for escorts.
He swears that he didn't sleep with these escorts.He's had(still might have)a huge obsession with porn.
He said every man looks ar porn and if they say they don't then they're lying.
Thankyou for your replies.Don't understand why he says he wants to get married to me.
He doesn't go out with 'the boys'(well apart from our local rugby/football club)he loves to spend time with me and the boys-I don't think he could possibly have an affair without me noticing.
It's the internet.Funnily enough he thinks I'm on Mumsnet far too much(I'm not!)and says how bloody mumsnet pisses him off!!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 14:55

IceRoses... Oh my. :(

Do you have any idea how loudly the bells are clanging? Why would your DP be concerned about knowing it 'was really her'? Did he think it might be you checking up on him?

I think he could well have an affair without you being aware of it, he sounds very deceitful and controlling and how dare he be embarrassed for you? He ought to be apologetic and deleting this woman from his phone and his life.

I think he's a liar... I'm not surprised mumsnet annoys him... it's support and he doesn't want you to have it.

Nevermind why he wants to marry you... why on earth do you want to marry him? You deserve better and if your self-esteem was higher, you wouldn't be contemplating a life with this player.

So sorry, IceRoses, not nice for you to hear these opinions but I think deep down, you know that he's a louse. So angry for you... and your DCs having someone like him in your lives.

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 14:57

He obviously doesnt count anything that doesnt include physical contact as inappropriate whereas you do. He thinks you are jealous and possessive because he hasnt actually done anything.

I think a frank talk about what you both think is acceptable is in order, so he knows how you feel and you know what he thinks is ok and see if you can meet in the middle.

The fact remains though that he is being very disrespectful of you and your feelings and I would have a massive problem with that.

ENormaSnob · 21/03/2011 14:59

Get yourself an std check.

This man is a lying, cheating loser who will not change.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread