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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to all my sister's hen night

46 replies

Lambzig · 21/03/2011 11:15

My sister is getting married in May and her hen night is being organised by her bf who is pretty well off.

The plan is champagne brunch, afternoon spa appointments, champagne afternoon tea, cocktails at a private club and then dinner at Gordon Ramsey and then on to some club (all pretty expensive places). I am pretty sure the cost will end up being more than £600 per person.

My sister didnt really want a hen night or any fuss and thinks she is just going for a few cocktails after work before getting an early night, but her bf has secretly booked her off work. I am not sure all this is her.

I am just back to work from maternity leave part time, completely broke. I also think they are trying to ram far too much into one day and it will be too hectic and are getting competitive about who can suggest a more flash thing.

I know that at least one other of her friends is upset about the cost and we have tried to suggest that some of it be cut out or cheaper alternatives found, but get told quite nastily that we are being cheap.

I love my sister to bits and am very excited about her wedding and I dont grudge spending money on her, its just that I dont have this money and will feel sick spending so much.

Do you think it would be OK for me to talk to my sister and explain that I cant afford it all and will just join them for the day (or for the evening, or whatever I can afford)? If I do this I will spoil her surprise. Or should I just swallow it (after all she could have wanted an overseas trip)?

OP posts:
sloggies · 21/03/2011 11:19

If you spoil the Suprise, you risk getting involved in a saga. I would be tempted to tell Organising Well Off Friend that you will be coming to the last stage of the hen night, and to let your sister know on the day that she will see you later on, so she knows you will see her. None of Friends Business whether you can afford it or not.

gilbonzothesecretpsychoduck · 21/03/2011 11:21

I think you should explain to your sister's bf that you can't do the whole day. Pick a bit you and the other upset friend want to do and stick with that. I wouldn't say anything to your sister atm as, like you say, you will ruin the surprise, but explain afterwards why you couldn't be there for it all. She's your sister, she knows your circumstances so she should understand.

Aims80 · 21/03/2011 11:23

I'm sure your sister would be mortified that people were worried about how much it was costing, I know I would be in her position. I'd talk to the other girls going to guage what most of them are doing and just attend the bits you can afford. If none of the girls can afford all of that then you should all have a word with your sisters friend, it does sound a bit over the top to say the least!!

You don't need to spoil any surprises with your sister either, just say, I'd LOVE to be able to come to everything planned but I really can't afford to sorry. That's all you need to say!

NestaFiesta · 21/03/2011 11:27

Nobody has any right to make you feel bad about what you can and can't afford. This hen night greed has gone mad and the Organiser Friend is using emotional blackmail.

What you could do is not go but take your sister out for a quiet meal another night, just the two of you, to talk about old times and the wedding etc, a kind pre wedding sisters only meal. £600 for a night out in this day and age is just obscene. You don't sound like you're the only one struggling either.Sounds Like Organiser Friend is being defensive because she knows she's messed it up.

pigletmania · 21/03/2011 11:30

YANBU at all, fair enough your sisters bf organises these things, but she has to realise that not everyone can afford it and can only go to part of it. Just go to the end part, the restaurant and Club, or just the club.

pigletmania · 21/03/2011 11:31

Dont feel bad, tbh I would be mad, totally agree with Nesta

MmeLindt · 21/03/2011 11:33

Do you know the other women going? Can you get together with them and find out who is happy about the plan and who is not, and then talk to your sister's BF?

We are doing ok financially, but I would balk at paying that much money for one day - you could take the whole family away for a weekend for that much money. Totally OTT.

Original poster
Lambzig · 21/03/2011 11:42

I am so relieved that you don't think IABU.

Five of the seven are city high flyers too, so cost not an issue. Just one public sector worker and me, so will speak to her. My sister might be mortified, but she can be unrealistic about money (sample statement "no-one can live on less than £100k per year" er..., most of us do ok on a lot less) so she might not get it.

Pretty gutted to miss the whole day, but I think I will just go for the brunch and afternoon (more chat and less drunken time) and explain to her on the day. Love the idea of taking her out to dinner separately, so will ask her to do that.

My sisters bf says that I have to pay the bride's share of the day whatever, so will have fight on my hands on that one.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 11:49

I would just refuse to pay her share of the whole day, that is taking the piss massively.

Just say no to that, what can she do? Send the bailiffs in?!

Tbh I wouldnt go at all, and let it be a "friends" thing and then just have a meal the 2 of you, that gets you out of explainations and being expected to stump up for the bits you wont be attending.

SugarPasteFrog · 21/03/2011 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettyfly1 · 21/03/2011 12:00

tell sisters bf to fuck right off - extravagantly spending other peoples money is outrageous behaviour and totally unnacceptable.

thumbwitch · 21/03/2011 12:07

The bf is being a totally unreasonable richbitch about this, I feel.

As such, I would give her what you can afford towards your sister's hen night - the others are well enough off to make up the shortfall.

I hate people who do this to people with less money. In my group of friends in the UK, we had one friend who was chronically short of money - whenever we went out as a group, we always made sure that she was able to afford it - that's what friends and decent people do. Not lay on some fuck-off extravaganza and say "you're cheap" if one or two can't afford it.

Go to the bits you want to go, with other less-well-off friend - and then put down the money you can afford towards hen's costs and leave.

Sugarpastefrog, I think the "bf" here might stand for best friend, not boy friend (who would be a fiancé right now anyway)

diddl · 21/03/2011 12:08

I think I´d do something just with your sister & not go to the hen day/night at all tbh.

I think that you either go & do the whole thing or not at all.

LaWeasel · 21/03/2011 12:10

Personally, I would quietly let your sister know what is going on if you don't think this is what she wants/expects.

One of my friends did this to me at my wedding and I had a chat with the friend organising and told her not to be twat, without letting her know which person told me.

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 12:25

LaWeasel makes a good point. Your sister wont thank you if she found out that you knew what was happening, knew she didnt want that and didnt tell her.

Bollocks to upsetting the BF, she will be mad with you not your sister and that doesnt matter because she ain't your friend!

NewPathways · 21/03/2011 12:26

Oh my God!

Is the Chief Bridesmaid stupid !

Champers for breakfast, champers for lunch, cocktiails, dinner and a club! Shock

She must be mad?

Quite apart from the money angle, will anybody still be conscious by dinnertime.....what age are the group OP?

It's a lot to expect people to drink and eat all day at that rate without being sick as dogs!? Confused

It sounds horrendously demanding, can't someone have a word with the Chief Bridesmaid?

Niceguy2 · 21/03/2011 12:37

YANBU

I've had to decline three of stag nights this year already due to cost. I just can't justify the cost because if I go to one, I have to go to them all. And the costs just snowball. I feel/felt terrible though turning them all down.

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it. I'd tell the BF that you can't come because you simply can't afford it. If she says again that you must pay for your sister's costs then say "WHICH PART OF I CANT FUCKING AFFORD IT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? I tell you what....i'll explain to my sister myself!"

Original poster
Lambzig · 21/03/2011 12:42

Yes I think it sounds too much and everyone is going to be drunk and too full by six in the evening which is why I quite fancy just the early bit. Age group is late 30's, early 40's so no stamina any more.

Might hint to my sister that her bf is going a little OTT, as my sister wanted to get home early as she has hair/beauty appointments the next day (getting married five days later). My sisters wedding is quite small (16 guests) and low key (but lovely) and her bf keeps trying to make it bigger, so I think she is compensating on this.

Will pay my sister's share of the things I attend I think and remember that NO is a complete sentence.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 21/03/2011 12:55

I have another thought on this. I can't think of anything worse than going to a posh, as in really posh, michellin-starred posh, restaurant on a hen do. (apart from maybe sitting on the next table).

if I'm going to spend that sort of money on a meal I want to savour it. not roll up half-cut. If everyone is well behaved and quiet then I would spend the whole evening worrying that the hen was not having much of a laugh. Or, if it was loud and screechy, I would spend the evening cringing and trying to get everyone to shut the f up. ie I'd be in a complete no-win situation.

even if the other women aren't the loud and screechy type surely a hen do results in a bit of hair-letting down. it's really not the kind of event for Gordon Ramsey's. and I say that as a probably rather boring not-screechy type.

make the case for an alternative dinner venue - then you can cut the cost and also relax.

ENormaSnob · 21/03/2011 13:02

Get fucked, also a full sentance.

Does anyone else think the spiralling cost of hen and stag dos are getting beyond a joke?

Yanbu at all.

Original poster
Lambzig · 21/03/2011 13:06

hatwoman I know. I would be cringing like mad as my sister's bf is your typical braying city person who will probably order ridiculously expensive wine just to show off.

OP posts:
Balsam · 21/03/2011 13:11

Your best option is to bow out of the hen night altogether - are you the only family attending? Tell the bf that you'll leave it as a friends thing and do something with your sister yourself, perhaps with your mum as well.

octopusinabox · 21/03/2011 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lambzig · 21/03/2011 13:23

My problem is that my sister specifically invited me when it was just a few drinks after work and I accepted. Now her bf has taken over, I would have to unaccept IYSWIM and I think that would upset her.

I am the only family attending as her and my other sister dont speak. Our Mum died when we were very little, so I really dont want to snub her by not going at all.

OP posts:
onehotmomma · 21/03/2011 13:23

If you were my sister I would want to know. £600 is a piss take imo. I would me horrified tbh if I found out people couldn't make it (especially my sister) because of the cost and I would be pretty pissed off with you for not saying anything lol but that's jmo :)