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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to all my sister's hen night

46 replies

Lambzig · 21/03/2011 11:15

My sister is getting married in May and her hen night is being organised by her bf who is pretty well off.

The plan is champagne brunch, afternoon spa appointments, champagne afternoon tea, cocktails at a private club and then dinner at Gordon Ramsey and then on to some club (all pretty expensive places). I am pretty sure the cost will end up being more than £600 per person.

My sister didnt really want a hen night or any fuss and thinks she is just going for a few cocktails after work before getting an early night, but her bf has secretly booked her off work. I am not sure all this is her.

I am just back to work from maternity leave part time, completely broke. I also think they are trying to ram far too much into one day and it will be too hectic and are getting competitive about who can suggest a more flash thing.

I know that at least one other of her friends is upset about the cost and we have tried to suggest that some of it be cut out or cheaper alternatives found, but get told quite nastily that we are being cheap.

I love my sister to bits and am very excited about her wedding and I dont grudge spending money on her, its just that I dont have this money and will feel sick spending so much.

Do you think it would be OK for me to talk to my sister and explain that I cant afford it all and will just join them for the day (or for the evening, or whatever I can afford)? If I do this I will spoil her surprise. Or should I just swallow it (after all she could have wanted an overseas trip)?

OP posts:

Clytaemnestra · 21/03/2011 13:25

I'm still bitter about having to spend £400 on my cousin-in-laws hen weekend extravaganza which still makes me think less of the cousin-in-law to be honest. Hopefully no one will be thinking less of your sister for making them part with lots of cash!

LittleMumSmall · 21/03/2011 13:42

YANBU at all. My sister did something similar for her hen night and it was awful, went on far too long. It didn't end well, mostly because if you start drinking at lunch, you'll be in a rotten state by dinner time - one of the hens got very 'tired and emotional' and had to be escorted out of the restaurant, was really embarrassing.

I would go to the morning bit and then call it a day - I'm sure your sis will understand. BF sounds too much! I'm no fan of lying but if it may spare bad feelings between siblings before wedding I would concoct a little white lie (make sure it's foolproof!!) about needing to be elsewhere for part of the day, tbh. But I know that may not be the way you want to go. Good luck with working it out, OP.

EricNorthmansMistress · 21/03/2011 13:48

YANBU
Tell your sister what's going on for fuck sake. You and the other public sector worker are probably on 30% of the income this woman is on and if you sister is normal she will not want all this stress for her sister or friends. Just tell her to rein her mate in.

Needanewname · 21/03/2011 13:48

Tell the best friend where to go. I would also let your sister know whats going on, if as you say she's not really wanting all this.

I would also not go to any of it and take your sister out separately to something you know she'd love.

The BF sounds like a complete nightmare!

AuntiePickleBottom · 21/03/2011 13:49

i am getting married, and i would tell my dp to fuck right off if he tried organsie my hen party.

i would be mortified if i found out people was paying £600 to go on my hen party.

EricNorthmansMistress · 21/03/2011 13:55

BF is Best Friend here not Boyfriend I think

SugarPasteFrog · 21/03/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lambzig · 21/03/2011 14:02

Sorry I do mean best fried by bf.

Wish I was on 30% of her income - she gets crazy city bonus type salary. More like 5% if I am lucky.

Thanks for all of your advice, so glad I am being reasonable and not mean.

Will ring my sister for a chat tonight and drop a few hints about what is going on and say I would like to take her to dinner just us as well.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 21/03/2011 14:07

Tbh I would have a word with your sister, and explain that although you dont want to reveal what her bf has got planned for her, it is very OTT and expensive and that you wont be able to afford to go. Explain that instead you will take her out to a meal and mabey the theatre, or out for the day somewhere nice. Even though you go to part of the day, they might be ordering expensive drinks or extras, so will have to contribute towards that even though you might not have drunk any. I would not be ashamed to say no, not on your arse. The bf has to realise that this is the 'real' world and not everyone is made of money.

pigletmania · 21/03/2011 14:09

To most of us £600 is a lot of money, I dont have that in a month as it stands, and £600 on one day

Original poster

Lambzig · 21/03/2011 14:19

pigletmania £600 is a lot of money to me too - it makes me feel sick at the idea of spending it on one day, but not sure my sister would think so.

Will definitely speak to my sister tonight and hope she doesnt mind.

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 21/03/2011 14:22

You are right to speak to your sister. My friend had a word with me about the rather elaborate plans my (very well meaning, but much richer than most of my friends) sister was making for my hen party. I was very grateful and was gently able to pull the reins in.

Obviously, don't start the conversation with "your bf is a complete psycho bitch" and you should be fine!

pigletmania · 21/03/2011 14:27

I would, your sister has to have some appreciation of the situation you are in and realise that not everyone is made of money. The bf has organised this as most of the hen party will be able to afford it, without thinking of the 2 who cannot. She should have consulted everyone on the hen night concerning the plans before boooking, and catered for all budgets. Very selfish and inconsiderate imo. I would stuff all of the hen night, and just take my sister out.

pigletmania · 21/03/2011 14:30

Just say that although you dont want to reveal what your bf has got planned it is very expensive and as you know we are on a budget and wont be able to afford to go, mention the other friend that will find it hard to go to. Any decent person would be totally understanding, she is your sister so would be easier to speak to I should have though.

SugarPasteFrog · 21/03/2011 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needanewname · 23/03/2011 20:09

Hope the chat with your sister went well, hopefully she'll understand

northerngirl41 · 23/03/2011 20:33

I'd got to the morning bit too and then leave them to their own devices. The most important thing is that your sister feels supported by you, the rest of it is just fluff.

Now to dampen down any fear of missing out, this is what'll actually happen on their super sophisticated hen day/night/weekend:

Half the participants will cry off with a variety of excuses but mostly because they can't afford it. They will feel hideously guilty and most probably either avoid your sister afterwards or lie to her face about why they couldn't make it.
The morning will start off with champagne brunch, spa etc. And by around afternoon tea everyone will be feeling bloated and tired and just a little bored of champagne.
Those joining for the dinner/club will be greeted by a group of people incapable of actually conversing because they are too drunk/tired/bored of everyone by this point.

And the reason I know this is because I too skipped a hen party which mushroomed to gigantic proportions - and boy was I glad that I did!! When I got there after the shopping trip, girlie night in at exclusive townhouse apartment and brunch, I was faced with serious hangovers and a death wish from most of the party. They grimly tried to eat their £80 lunch, shoving food round their plates and then gave up.

Don't feel bad for an instantin doing something which both you and your sister will enjoy. Make it very clear in advance to BF and the other guests thatyou'll just be doing the first bit, and hopefully they'll join you.

MadamDeathstare · 23/03/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkFondantFancy · 23/03/2011 21:06

Did you speak to your sister? What did she say? YANBU, I refuse to go to hen party extravaganzas like that and just pick one bit and go along to that.

Newgolddream · 23/03/2011 21:22

£600 for a hen night? - oh ffs, thats obsene!!!

This competitive edge to hen nights these days - hen days or hen weekends whatever is completely mad! Its as if you are being "forced" into having a good time - and the more money and activities the better. Thats not what its meant to be about.

Ive been married for 10 years and my hen night was very traditional for here in the West of Scotland (not sure why?) - all the hens and the bride go out on a giant pub crawl, bride dressed up ( I had a veil and a white coat with an L plate on it - embarassing until I got tipsy lol). Basically the bride carries a babies potty full of salt and then you simply accost all the men in the pub and sell kisses! God we had a riot lol.

We all had a ball - only cost - the cost of drinks, plus at the end of the night I came home with £200, sorted lol!!!!!!!!!

Simple and basic and no big fancy meals or trips abroad or anything like that - but everyone had fun and the memories still make me laugh.

ZombiePlan · 24/03/2011 15:29

What did your sister say?

PS If I were your sister, I would want to know all the details asap - esp as I'd be furious that someone had used a day of my annual leave without telling me (seems a bit odd that her work allowed this tbh). In fact, I wouldn't go on the hen day at all - I'd just go in to work as usual (as I usually don't have any spare leave and wouldn't want to waste a whole day of my leave like that).

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