Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to hate mil coming round to our house at dinner time?

52 replies

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 09:39

She does it often and it is so annoying!

Yesterday my mil and sil came over at 4.55pm - our dinner was cooking and was going to ready in 15 minutes.

She isn't the sort of mil who you could turn away as she would get really funny and hold a grudge for years a long time. You would have her saying "I just want to see my grandchildren but i get turned away at the door," (she is good at twisting things to make herself a victim).

Thing is she knows we have dinner between 5 and 6pm and does it everytime. What made it worse last night was her and sit didn't offer to go and sit in the lounge while we ate, they sat there watching us and talking. It felt like an audience! I hate it. She never phones first either, she just turns up at dinner time. I also feel embaressed because i don't have enough to offer any dinner to them and it makes me feel rude.

My dh was annoyed as well and said he is going to talk to his sister about it but i have a feeling it is going to give mil bait to start making comments. Mil would be the first one to moan if you turned up at dinner time and watched her eat.

In the past i have put dinner on hold for me and dh and just fed the kids until she has gone but then me and dh end up with ruined dinner that doesn't taste right re-heated.

She must know it's dinner time and her generation in particular (she is 70) should know it's rude to turn up and not offer to sit in the lounge while we ate?

My mother says her gran used to hook people out the door at dinner time and turn people away. With anyone else i think i would but with mil it's difficult.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:

4FoxAche · 21/03/2011 09:42

Lock the door and just don't answer it at dinner time?

CrapBag · 21/03/2011 09:42

I don't get this but it would piss me off in a massive way.

YANBU. Who cares if she is going to hold a grudge, get your DH to phone his mother and say something like "could you please not call at xx time as you know this is our tea time".

Simple and not insulting etc, if she takes the hump about it, tough tits to her. Then maybe she will get the hump and not bother you at tea time. If she does turn up, say "we are just having our tea, can you pop back at xx time".

mousymouse · 21/03/2011 09:42

yanbu - my mother calls (by phone she lives far away) in the evenings just when we are about to put the children to bed. I just say "sorry not convenient" and hang up.

Original poster

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 09:42

I wish i could! But the dc (2 & 4) would give the game away!

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 21/03/2011 09:44

Why don't you say "We're just going to have our dinner. I'll make you a cup of tea so you can sit in the lounge and wait for us to finish."?

pjmama · 21/03/2011 09:52

Just be straight with her. Tell her you'd love her to come and see the DCs but absolutely not between 5 and 6 as that's when you're eating and actually you'd prefer it if she gave you a quick call first, to make sure it's convenient.

If after that she continues to turn up unannounced at inconvenient times, then she's no cause for complaint if she gets turned away.

sixlostmonkeys · 21/03/2011 10:04

some good tips given already.
If you can't face an upfront explanation, you could try - the next time she turns up, turn the food off or down and when your DCs ask for their dinner keep saying "we can't eat dinner while we have guests" Obviously your poor DCs will get hungry/confused and will complain, which hopefully will drop the BIG hint, and ensure this doesn't happen again.

CrapBag · 21/03/2011 10:06

I'm not sure sixlostmonkeys, MIL clearly knows she is there at the wrong time, she sounds thick skinned and wouldn't take the hint.

She needs telling not to come at this time, by your DH.

sixlostmonkeys · 21/03/2011 10:10

oh I agree - being told upfront is by far the best way.... it's just that I understand only too well how tackling something like this can be difficult (I'm a wuss myself )

choccyp1g · 21/03/2011 10:13

Is she expecting you to feed her as well?

can just imagine the other thread saying "Am I being unreasonable: DIL starves me while they pig out?"

Ephiny · 21/03/2011 10:19

I don't know anyone who just turns up unannounced and uninvited at my house, I would not be at all happy about that and would be tempted to not even answer the door.

Having said that I wouldn't expect anyone to be eating dinner at 5pm, but if she knows this is what you do and interrupts your mealtime anyway, then it sounds like she's just being difficult. And rude and unreasonable.

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 10:28

Sorry not read the whole thread but firstly YANBU.

Can you not butter her up a bit by saying something like 'the children love seeing you so much, they get all over excited and won't eat their tea properly if you're here - so can we arrange for you to come over at a different time?'...

She sounds like a PITA by the way.

boyscomingoutofmyears · 21/03/2011 10:29

My mum used to do this all of the time. I was just straight with her and told her that I find it rude and annoying that she turns up without warning at meal times.

However, if it was MIL I would have found it difficult and would have got DH to do it, his mum his problem to sort IYSWIM. I do think it requires an honest and frank conversation though, good luck!

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 10:30

Ephiny I would have thought most people with young children eat dinner early - mine are in bed by 7 -7.30ish so can't eat much later than about five.

Skinit · 21/03/2011 10:35

My Mum does this and I offer her some dinner.

Why woud you not do the same?

Sometimes my Mum accepts, other times not. But I was brought up to share meals if a caller happened around. It's the Irish way...we would never sit and eat without offering the visitor to join us.

If there's not much to go round, I would stretch it with bread, extra salad...whatever....it's nice for the DC to see that eating is social.

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 10:38

skinit surely it depends on how much you like the company of the person who has turned up . If it was my mum I would automatically offer her some too - but if it was MIL... !

Folicacid · 21/03/2011 10:39

What I find weird in all this is not having enough or offering MIL a meal at yours during meal times. Maybe she likes to come round at that time as it's family time?

bibbitybobbityhat · 21/03/2011 10:44

What, so op should always cook enough for another meal, just incase MIL turns up at dinner time? Don't be silly.

OP - your dh needs to tell her.

Skinit · 21/03/2011 10:45

Well Folicacid...I can see why sometimes there may not be enough...if the family meal is burger and chips and the OP has only cooked 4 burgers...then there won't be a 5th will there?

But what about inviting her over once a week for a meal...or keeping some extra bits in like cake or cheese and crackers so you can offer her something?

bibbitybobbityhat · 21/03/2011 10:46

If you don't want your Mil to turn up unannounced at dinner time, whatever you do don't start offering her food!

sweetjaysus · 21/03/2011 10:47

DH needs to speak to his mum not his sister!

DumSpiroSpero · 21/03/2011 10:53

My mum and my MIL (who I can't stand) are both inclined to phone between 5pm and 7pm or 7am and 8am. I just have an 'across the board' policy that I don't answer the phone between those times now, and have told then that I won't unless they leave a message if it's comething urgent.

I think if you or your DH tells her that those times are not convenient and she continues to turn up, you've got every right to just not answer the door tbh.

And I know how difficult that is. My MIL has a key to our house (don't ask ). I have spent the last two weeks off sick and have locked myself in my own house to avoid the bloody woman!

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 10:57

Dum my mum has a key but she needs one as she quite often picks the DC up from school if I'm at work. If we're at home she always knocks though, she never just lets herself in if we're there (after doing it once years ago and finding DH in the nud making me a cuppa - ha ha!)

Folicacid · 21/03/2011 10:58

I get that if it's four burgers or whatever but that doesn't mean you can offer something. I just couldn't not offer something. An alternative, a sandwich, a bowl of soup whatever.

Also maybe if MIL realises that dinner time means everyone who is there at dinnertime eats including her then she would choose to leave or come at another time? That may be the way to play it. I totally get that the OP would feel uncomfy with an audience, but make her part of it and that would go.

bibbitybobbityhat · 21/03/2011 11:00

But what if op doesn't want her mil inviting herself to join in their family meals?

I would not (and I love my mil). I wouldn't want anyone in the world just turning up unannounced when we are about to eat.

Its terribly rude.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread