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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate mil coming round to our house at dinner time?

52 replies

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 09:39

She does it often and it is so annoying!

Yesterday my mil and sil came over at 4.55pm - our dinner was cooking and was going to ready in 15 minutes.

She isn't the sort of mil who you could turn away as she would get really funny and hold a grudge for years a long time. You would have her saying "I just want to see my grandchildren but i get turned away at the door," (she is good at twisting things to make herself a victim).

Thing is she knows we have dinner between 5 and 6pm and does it everytime. What made it worse last night was her and sit didn't offer to go and sit in the lounge while we ate, they sat there watching us and talking. It felt like an audience! I hate it. She never phones first either, she just turns up at dinner time. I also feel embaressed because i don't have enough to offer any dinner to them and it makes me feel rude.

My dh was annoyed as well and said he is going to talk to his sister about it but i have a feeling it is going to give mil bait to start making comments. Mil would be the first one to moan if you turned up at dinner time and watched her eat.

In the past i have put dinner on hold for me and dh and just fed the kids until she has gone but then me and dh end up with ruined dinner that doesn't taste right re-heated.

She must know it's dinner time and her generation in particular (she is 70) should know it's rude to turn up and not offer to sit in the lounge while we ate?

My mother says her gran used to hook people out the door at dinner time and turn people away. With anyone else i think i would but with mil it's difficult.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 11:00

Blimey... If you feel that strongly about it OP then say something. Why pass the buck to your DH, you're the one with the problem and if your MIL is going to take offence, she will no matter who says it.

I think it's rude of her to turn up unannounced certainly but from your posts, perhaps she feels 'pushed out' and unwelcome. She's family after all. Why wouldn't you offer her something to eat with your family? Is it really that hard to make up another plate, cook a bit extra, etc.? Perhaps your DH quite likes having her to visit - and what do your kids think?

You sound really unhospitable and spikey... and to the poster who said they would feed their mother and not their MIL... well words fail me but if your words weren't tongue in cheek, you're a disgrace.

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 11:03

LyingWitch you're obviously lucky enough to have a nice MIL. Some of us aren't that lucky .

Folicacid · 21/03/2011 11:04

Bibbity maybe that's what I can't get head round. If anyone comes round to our house at dinnertime unannounced I invite them to eat. End of. If they don't want to eat they leave. No one wants to watch people eat or sit in another room whilst they do so. No one wants to be watched or know someone is waiting for them to finish in another room. That's what would annoy me. Different strokes an all that.

OP doesn't say how 'often' actually is also. Are we tallking once a week? or more often?

YellowDinosaur · 21/03/2011 11:10

I don't get all of you who are saying that the OP should be providing dinner ofr her mil who has afterall turned up uninvited and at a time that she has been specifically told is dinnertime. That, imho is what is rude in this scenario, NOT the OP not giving her dinner!!!

I too would feel very uncomfortable eating when there were people there we did not have enough to feed, but on the flip side if I turned up unannounced to see peoplewho were about to eat dinner I would apologise profusely and leave!

A good compromise might be to invite mil and sil to dinner once a week with you all but tell them that if they turn up at dinner times on other days you will have to ask them to leave and come back another time.

It is certainly unreasonable to expect the OP to be cooking 2 extra meals every day on the off chance!!!

Aims80 · 21/03/2011 11:14

your DH needs to deal with this one by speaking to his Mum directly!

And also, it's not unreasonable to not offer her some of your dinner so don't worry on that count!

Snobear4000 · 21/03/2011 11:16

Cook food that she really hates.

TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo · 21/03/2011 11:16

Tell her you don't want her to turn up uninvited, ever. Phonecall first please. Then ask her to tea on a specific day this week or next week. Tell her you love to see her but you like things planned and organised.

If she can't put up with that, and holds a grudge for years - does it matter? Her problem not yours.

If she makes snippy comments for ever after, try the MN staple replies:

How RUDE! did you mean to be RUDE? or Did you mean to say that out loud?

FollowMe · 21/03/2011 11:17

I cook enough for 4 as there are 4 of us. It would be a waste to cook extra just in case someone turns up just as its ready and wants to join us.

I'd not answer the door. Tell the kids and DH 'oh lets leave the door tonight as we are just about to sit down and eat' and get them to come and sit in the kitchen.
I do that with the phone (my Mum ALWAYS phones between 6.30 and 7.30pm -bath time!) so I say 'DONT aswer the phone, we are just getting in the bath, whoever it is will call back' and get everyone to leave it.

Is your door bell easy to disconnect?

Or get DH to say 'we love you dropping in, but we always eat between 5 and 6pm and the kids eat better without the excitement of visitors so do you mind calling in at a different time?'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 11:18

MooMooFarm... Not so actually, but she doesn't have a car. That said, however dreadful she was, for my DH's sake - as well as for my kids' sake - I would not make her feel unwelcome. If my MIL was dreadful then that's a separate thing - if she says mean things or behaves badly then she needs to be told not to do that. It's not a good idea to let stuff like that fester whilst you're inwardly seething. My MIL says dreadful things, unthinkingly... ie. when I was going to Italy for work she asked me was I going to find myself a nice Italian man... she's a shocker at times but it's a generational thing and she doesn't mean to be unkind.

I agree with Folicacid too - if they want to join the meal, fine, they can sit with us - if they don't, then they sit in the lounge until we've finished.

Really though... would anybody, particularly of MIL's generation, not understand that between X-pm and Y-pm, it's mealtime, and it's bad manners to call in during that time uninvited? I think that the OP should tell her MIL that those are the mealtimes and, that if MIL wants to come for a meal, could she please let OP know the day before perhaps? At least it would make MIL think about it and fall in with what the family requirements are.

Skinit · 21/03/2011 11:20

That;s what I would do Folic but I also have a MIL who gets right on my nerves...so can understand if the OP doesnt want to share this family time with her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 11:26

Well that's the thing, isn't it. Family time... MIL is also family. I think it's a good idea for MIL to be invited once or twice a week, also a good idea that MIL not call in uninvited as long as this is applied to all family members.

It's not ok if OP just doesn't like MIL. It is not just the OP's family, it is her DH's family and her DC's family also. The motives really aren't clear in the OP but there are some DIL (not say OP is such) who seem to feel that MILs/PILs should be not seen and not heard - unless DIL wants/needs something.

Laquitar · 21/03/2011 11:29

She wants to check what you feed her son

Get ready meals and tinned food to piss her off

Ephiny · 21/03/2011 11:29

I think it's shockingly rude to turn up unannounced at someone's house and expect to be entertained and fed. I would not do that even with very close friends or family, and doing it deliberately on a regular basis is just awful. Let her hold a grudge if she wants to. She's the one being rude and unreasonable.

When we do the food shopping we buy just what we're going to eat (doesn't everyone?) in the correct amounts, so don't have lots of spare food every day just in case of unexpected dinner guests. I do actually like having people over to eat, I just like to have invited them first, or at least to be expecting them!

Original poster

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 12:17

Wow lots of replies! I have just been snowed under a giant pile of ironing!

Well, for a start, i don't hate my mil! I actually think i like her more then my dh does

I guess i haven't offered her any dinner/made it stretch etc in the past because i didn't want to encorage her to come at dinner time - this has clearly failed!

Last night i had stuffed 3 chicken breasts with garlic butter and put them in the oven - they had already been in 40 minutes when they turned up so it would have been impossible to add 2 extra chicken breasts to the oven. Plus, maybe some where brought up to go round at dinner time and the host would feed you but i was brought up not to disterb people at dinner time and that would always been anytime between 5 and 7pm. It was considered rude.

It is always a Sunday she does this and that is because we get "fitted in" at the end of her day. She couldn't possibly fit us in in the afternoon because she is far too busy you know

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 12:26

"Blimey... If you feel that strongly about it OP then say something. Why pass the buck to your DH, you're the one with the problem and if your MIL is going to take offence, she will no matter who says it.

I feel i must reply to this post. When did i say it was me with the problem and not my dh as well? I wrote in my op that my dh was annoyed as well. There is no buck passing - it is his mother not mine. If my mother was the problem i would expect to do the talking.

I only make up enough to feed us - and lately i have cut down portion sizes (for weight reasons).

No my dh doesn't like her visiting at that time - the kids like it of course, because they don't know what time is and don't care.

Being unhospitable would be if she did it once not realising and was appologetic and i didn't offer her anything. Her doing it knowing we have our dinner at that time is just rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 12:29

I wish we could not answer the door! The dc make so much noise though and rush to the door excited at a visitor! My mil would hear this and if we didn't answer, or she saw the car in the drive, she would try the back gate or go into the alley that runs next to our house and look over the fence to see if we are in the garden. Thing is, when you look over the fence you can see right into our kitchen/diner and we would be seen! There is no hiding

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 21/03/2011 12:36

Phone her up today and say 'it was nice to see you at the weekend, but unfortunate that it was our dinner time...could we organise a better day/tim for ou to call round as I hate eating whilst guests are here andthe dcs dont eat so well with distractions. How about 2-4 next weekend...not convenient..what a shame! What about the week after hen..oh, the week after that then?'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 13:08

MrsSparkle... Fair enough. I make a lot of stuff that 'stretches' quite happily but from your meal, it obviously doesn't so well. I agree that it's rude that your MIL does this. What do you think about the invites at specific times for your MIL?

Why hasn't your DH said something to her already if it annoys him also? I must admit, when I read your OP, I picked up on his annoyance but thought perhaps his was because you were annoyed.

I think your DH is just going to have to be straightforward and say that between the hours of X and Y, you won't be having visitors, won't be answering the door or the phone as it's your mealtime together. This would be softened by a lunch/dinner invitation maybe once per week if that works for you?

zipzap · 21/03/2011 13:26

For the next few sunday evenings instigate picnic supper and disappear off for a special picnic just before she usually turns up. she'll get to your house and there'll be nobody there. go off to celebrate the start of spring or pick up a pizza or whatever, just be out. a pain admittedly on a sunday evening but if you know you are going to do it then manageable.

then she can have the conversation with your dh about how as she hadn't made any arrangements to see you at that time you didn't know she was planning on coming so had no reason to be in. then she might realise it is a good idea to make arrangements before visiting and you will be able to give her times that work for you too rather than only her dictating the really inconvenient times...

Dropdeadfred · 21/03/2011 13:33

or take your food upstairs and eat in your bedroom

(not practical i know but it would make me laugh to see her peering into your dining room window and wondering why you werent having your dinner)

QuietTiger · 21/03/2011 13:42

My MIL (who is actually lovely, but drives me insane because she's so desperate to help with "everything") used to drive me nuts because she would just turn up unanounced and walk in, put the kettle on and sit in the lounge. She has a key because occaisionally DH will ask her to pick up stuff from the vets or somesuch.

She drove me mad, turning up without telling me first, because I always ended up stopping what I am doing and making a cup of tea/being polite/talking to her...

That is, until the day she walked in unannounced and found DH and I having sex on the sofa. Now she always rings first and asks if it's convenient to pop around.

Solved the problem beautifully.

HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 13:48

eat at 430 on days you know she is likely to come over. If she starts arriving at 430 after that, you will know she is doing it on purpose.

FollowMe · 21/03/2011 13:55

Does she do it most Sundays? If she is quite predictable then I would DEFINITELY go out for dinner when you expect her to next turn up. Take the kids out for pizza for aa treat or something like that.

Or drop into conversation with her that you've been having some salespeople calling round and its annoying you, then on Sunday stick a big note on the door saying 'Please DO NOT ring doorbell between 5 and 6pm, we are having dinner' and explain it away as being intended for the cold callers?

Original poster

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 16:55

Quiet She used to come in through our back gate and just start gardening without telling us. It sounds like a nice thing to do but it used to annoy me because she would plant things in our garden that i either didn't like or didn't want to maintain (then she would moan if it died). One morning when pregnant i came downstairs with just my dressing gown on which was mostly undone to find her at our back door gardening! I was

We now have a lock for the gate!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSparkle · 21/03/2011 16:56

Followme she has little phases where she will come round a few Sundays in a row, or random Sundays, then she won't do it for a while, then it starts again!

OP posts:

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