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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a social skills teacher for my son

30 replies

takeonboard · 20/03/2011 14:58

as I can't do any more to help him. He is 9 years old and is a social leper in school and outside of school. He sobbed in my arms last night that he will always be on the outside and never have any friends. I have tried everything, in fact I have probably gone way too far in analysing and yes criticising his every move in an attempt to make him perfect/good enough/fit in - I don't know what to do any more Sad

He moved schools 3 years ago and the big problems started then (age 7) although looking back there were minor problems before that. School insist he has no SEN, he is very bright and at a selective school. but there is something which I can't put my finger on that totally turns off other kids. All the kids in his class can't be the meanest on the planet, they seem quite a nice bunch of kids in fact, but they don't disguise the fact that they despise him.

He isn't perfect,he has many small faults, but when I observe other kids they seem to be similar but get away with most of their faults and get on with their peers. So where is my DS going wrong? I am convincced that he needs to be "taught" how to socialise by a specialist - does anyone know of anyone who can help him.
Please give me your idea's I am desperate to help him.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 20/03/2011 15:00

Do you think he possibly could have an ASD?

nickschick · 20/03/2011 15:01

I think probably if you went to your Gp and explained this he may refer you to CAHMS and there are lots of ways to develop his social skills,my friends ds currently has a social skills worker but he has asd.

Its awful seeing your child just not fit in Sad is there an alternative? could you home school him for a bit?.

Theres a place for everyone in this world it wont always be like this Smile.

Bearcrumble · 20/03/2011 15:02

Bless him, I'm so sorry he's having a hard time.

What sort of things do the other kids pick up on?

littlepigshavebigears · 20/03/2011 15:02

poor youSad it hurts so much doesn't it

I would ask to have him assessed by an ed psych as a starting point. Talk to his teacher and the SENCo at the school and don't be fobbed off - they aren't qualified to assess SEN and can't rule it out. Not all SN involve academic learning difficulties. My 8yo has Aspergers syndrome and struggles horribly with social skills despite being almost freakishly bright academically.

I'm not saying there IS a SEN by the way, I can't say that, not knowing you or him. But I would say that there are lots and lots of reasons for a child to struggle socially and the school should be supporting you to get him help, not brushing you off because he's doing well academically.

for you.

nickschick · 20/03/2011 15:03

The thing with my friends son is that he doesnt 'get' social nicety he doesnt 'do' empathy or feelings and that sets him apart from the other children -currently hes working on trying to understand other peoples behaviours and acting as such ....this means that life will always be an extra 'hardship' for him as its not coming naturally but its worth it to 'fit in'.

Original poster
takeonboard · 20/03/2011 15:03

I often wonder about ASD, but 2 schools haven't flagged it and we have had a lot of issues over the past 3 years with bullying and friendships, spent a lot of time with the head, surely they would have said? In fact I did ask once and was told no.......

OP posts:
tethersend · 20/03/2011 15:03

The social skills specialists are sometimes other, slightly older children.

It's certainly not a fix-all, and I think you should investigate the possibility of ASD, but I think you could suggest to school that they select an older, kind responsible child and begin a mentoring programme. The mentor will gain a lot from it too.

littlepigshavebigears · 20/03/2011 15:05

if he does have an ASD, the good thing is that he can learn

my ds has made great strides in his social behaviour - things that don't come naturally have to be taught, like a science - but he can then grasp them and understand why he needs to do certain things/control certain things, and then he gets the hang of it. There ARE people out there who specialise in helping children learn these things - badger the school and ask for an ed psych, or go to your GP and demand a CAMHS referreal. Or both:)

bigTillyMint · 20/03/2011 15:13

Just because the schools haven't flagged it up.... he might just have some traits....

I would also advise going to your GP for a referral.
With the right support, he can learn some more skills.

But also, things may improve when he moves up to secondary as there will be a much wider variety of children and he may well find others he "clicks with" more. My friends son had quite a tricky time especially towards the end of primary even though he is a lovely, friendly boy, but is now going great at secondary school. Smile

Original poster
takeonboard · 20/03/2011 15:15

I can't HE him, I work and well I just couldn't do it!
What is a social skills worker? where can I find one?
He tells me that other kids say he is weird and annoying, we have worked on some of the annoying things, which really have improved but they are all things i see others do with no problems. He has too much empathy at times, I am amazed at the sympathy he sometimes shows for those who have made his life hell.
Do the school appoint an Ed Psych or do I? Its a private school btw.
You are all so understanding, it makes me wonder when I hear your stories how many kids suffer daily while just trying to fit in

OP posts:
GKlimt · 20/03/2011 15:16

hi takeonboard. Really difficult for yr DS and you.

Don't want to stress you about possible ASD - schools can be very sharp in spotting this or completely useless. Best to ask the 'experts' in child health/CAMHS.Even if its just to rule it out.

Whatever the nature of yr DS's social difficulties -he needs help. What is his school offering him?

Oblomov · 20/03/2011 15:19

Your school have a duty of care. not just to make your son pass his academics, btu to care for him, and to make sure he is happy and social.

Aspergers has been suggested for my son(7). He is very bright and lonely. I am going back to see my head becasue she insists there's nothing wrong with him. But he is sad. And lonely. Isn't that enough ?
Please don't be fobbed off. It all comes down to money, you know.
May not be ASD, and even if it isn't, SOMETHING needs to be done here, right ?
please, please talk to someone about this.

Original poster
takeonboard · 20/03/2011 15:19

school have offered counselling as he was bullied. i have asked so many times and they have said there's no problem just slightly immature soial skills....

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 20/03/2011 15:21

"wierd and annoying" does sound like ASD traits even if not fully.

Aahh, private school. I'm not sure about yours, bit a friend's son was assessed by the school's Educational Psychologist, so the school may employ someone at least part-time. If not, you'll probably have to find one and pay.

Go in and talk to them about it. Don't let them say there's no problem - say you want him assessed ASAP.

Oblomov · 20/03/2011 15:26

Social stories, by carol gray. stories
It helps a child understand what another child might be thinking. helps their empathy ( classic Aspergers trait). When somone doesn't 'get' other children, or doesn't fit in, or can't maintain their freindships, these are all traits of ASD.
Most people get these support from school, where someone will run through them with your child. But if school refuse ( like me !!), you can atleast first download them and try them out yourself.

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/03/2011 15:31

You have had great suggestions about what to do with the school.

If they are not responsive, how about moving him? I just wonder if he's never fitted in that class, whether or not he's become the class 'target' and in a smaller class/school he may simply not have met those friends yet who will value him. My eldest can be a bit socially awkward, but she is in a lovely primary class where those who are a bit 'different' and easily could have been bullied in other schools (e.g. overweight, very feminine boy, boffin-types) seem accepted and they play a lot in big groups. This seems to be a bit down to luck, and I wonder whether a chance to start afresh, not as the bullied/picked on one, might be good.

I don't know whether this might be more disruptive, though, and I second the ideas that people have suggested here, but perhaps even with social skills coaching, it can be hard to change things around in a small class.

bigTillyMint · 20/03/2011 15:37

Oblomov, social stories are great, aren't they.

Obviously, what is key, is trying to understand what and how the child is thinking about a certain situation. Once you explain it clearly to them, they can understand it better and see that it needn't be a problem. You have to be very explicit about stuff we take for grantedSmile

Original poster
takeonboard · 20/03/2011 15:39

I do think moving schools could be the answer, he really ouldn't try any harder there but they simply won't give him a chance. i suppose thats why I am wondering if he can get help with social skills as I know that if he moves and it happens again it will destroy him completely.

OP posts:
YouTry · 20/03/2011 15:47

You might find that as he gets older and into larger schools he will find others like himself to be friends with. At the school where I teach (secondary) there is a little group of about 10 lads, all ages, who fit the description you have given of your son. We invited them to lunch club, ensured they were in lessons together, introduced the ones who had shared interests etc. Now they have found their own place to hang out and are very happy in school. In a smaller school there may not have been 10 lads to make friends in the first place!

If you are going to look for a new school, I would ensure that you are very up front about this problem and ask what the school is going to do to help- at my school we would allocate a behaviour support worker who would conduct one to ones, classroom observations etc, make sure he is in a small class, invite to lunch club and extracurricular activities, find him a suitable buddy etc. You should be offered all these things- none of them are new or innovative.

I teach this kind of child in small groups and a large part of what we do is social skills in the form of circle time and other small group work. Send me a private message (if that's what they are called on here!) if you need any more help.

littlepigshavebigears · 20/03/2011 17:42

social stories are great

my ds has a selection of little cards with short social stories on them - they live in a little basket in the corner of the classroom and he is allowed to refer to them whenever he feels himself getting anxious or out of his depth

he is very poor at reading cues which people are used to expecting 8yos - especially bright ones - to manage without difficulty

even things like noticing that all the other children are sitting on the carpet after a change of activity - unless he is personally told, he can miss that, so he has a card for it which helps him keep himself on track if he is not sure what to do

also things like getting very upset when he is expected to stop doing something before he has finished it

social stories are GREAT - most of my ds's poor behaviour and social awkwardness stems from the anxiety of not "getting things rright" and not knowing where he has gone wrong

I was like this as a child too and my school life was pretty brutal

it does NOT have to be like that for our children (whether they have an ASD or other needs or just require a bit of support for a while)

swanriver · 20/03/2011 18:18

Our school has a nurture group. Also a friendship stop in the playground, if the child has no-one to play with. At mealtimes and breaktimes, if there are social difficulties, another child is designated by the teacher to stick up for my slightly "out of the loop" 8/9 year old son.
It is really important to keep re-inforcing any tentative friendships he does have - my child played much better one to one than in the playground setting.

  1. I invite children back on playdates (and have done for last few years)
  1. Recently I read How To Talk So Children Listen, and Listen So Children Talk, which cleared up a lot of confusion to do with telling children the right way to behave (which doesn't necessarily work), rather than encouraging them to behave in the right way ifysim. READ IT, it will make you cry
  1. Lots of positive re-inforcement in your own relations with the child, not "us and them", but just showing your confidence in his good points and not harping on his bad points.
  1. Social groups outside school, football, music, Scouts, can all contribute to child changing his view of himself.
  1. Teach child: Stay away from people who really don't like you. Don't try and get their attention and "force" them to include you or be nice to you. There are people who probably do like you a little, concentrate on them instead.
  1. The most important thing. You can't get people to like you just because you want them to. You have to say nice things to them, and do nice things for them. You can model that as a parent quite successfully if you take your child out socially.
skybluepearl · 20/03/2011 18:25

follow this link (national autism society)and you can check for yourself to see if he ticks any boxes in relation to autism/ASD. I head the other day that 1 in 10 men have it to various degrees but of course most will be very mild.

skybluepearl · 20/03/2011 18:28

www.autism.org.uk/

GKlimt · 20/03/2011 18:43

Fantastic post from swanriver.

And social stories are great for everyone old or young, SEN or not, teens or tinies, always something to learn. Smile

BunnyWunny · 20/03/2011 18:50

Does he look different? Maybe it's nothing to do with his personality or actions, sometimes there can be something about a kid which is just turns others off.