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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ambu? i dont think i am

27 replies

mummysgoingmad · 19/03/2011 19:14

My dp went out last night and spent £100 on a night out, we agreed on £50. I get worried when he has the bank cards as he had a gambling problem which i found out a bout when ds was born.

ambu to take the bank cards back off him again? I feel like he has abused my trust. He doesn't see it as that big a deal because he hasn't gambled but thats not the point. We agreed on a limit and he broke that agreement. Me and ds are going to see my family in amsterdam in 2 weeks and i'm afraid there might not be any money left for our trip.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 19/03/2011 19:19

I'd take the cards. If you agreed a limit and he broke it (without having a really good reason), then I would feel happier having the bank cards. Gamblers cannot be trusted imo and you are better off being safe than sorry.

onehotmomma · 19/03/2011 19:22

what karma said. As he told you what the money was spent on?

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2011 19:22

It's easy for the cash to slip through your fingers, especially later on at night when the drink's been flowing.

But then you've had problems in the past.

Perhaps not 'take' them off him, he might be acting like a child but he's not.

It's worrying he doesn't see it as a problem, or does he understand what he's done and is trying to play it down?

altinkum · 19/03/2011 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2011 19:24

I think the OPs DP was out on his own altinkum.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 19/03/2011 19:25

he said he spent it on alcohol and a taxi home which is probably right, he does understand why i'm feeling so upset but says i should be able to trust him by now (how am i supposed to trust him when he does things like this) he feels he's proved himself by not gambling for a 18 months but its hardly the point is it?

OP posts:
clam · 19/03/2011 19:25

No, the OP wasn't out, her DP was, and he overspent his limit. How is she responsible for that?

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 19/03/2011 19:26

no i wasn't out i work night shift in a nursing home at the weekends, he was out with a friend

OP posts:
altinkum · 19/03/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2011 19:28

Is he the type of person who throws cash about standing people drinks OP?

looneytune · 19/03/2011 19:29

I think £50 was more than generous tbh and spending DOUBLE than what was AGREED is awful!! Maybe not take the cards (although I'd feel like taking them and totally understand why you want to). I'd probably suggest he takes the set amount of cash and no bank cards and if he didn't agree to that, considering his history, I'm afraid I'd not want to be with him anymore!!

thisisyesterday · 19/03/2011 19:29

hmmm i can see why you want to be in control of the money

but i also think that he ought to be allowed to spend his money as he sees fit. i presume he works and contributes to the household too?

that said, i can also understand your fears about his inability to be sensible with money. so it's a really tough one!

i don't think it's healthy for anyone to be in a relationship where you are putting limits like this on each other though. he's going to end up feeling resentful and you are always going to be worrying about whether you'll have any money left

if it were me I would simply explain why you are so upset, and say why. and figure out with him what to do in the future.
maybe that would mean him having cash only on nights out?

thisisyesterday · 19/03/2011 19:31

your other option OP would be to insist on separate bank accounts.

you could set up a third account that you each pay your share of bills etc into, so that you know those always go out.

and after that you have your own money

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 19/03/2011 19:38

yes he is the kind of guy who would buy a round of drinks for people he's only just met. he does contribute and yes its his money too, but he's really irresponsible with money especially when he's been drinking.

I always discuss all money matters with him, but he never does with me. I said to him today i feel like his attitude is its his money so he can speand it as he wishes, he said he resents that!

if i gave him cash he would borrow it so i would end up giving to back to one of his friends

OP posts:
littlesez · 19/03/2011 19:44

£100 on one night out ffs! YANBU why on earth was £50 not enough for one man to drink, i wouldnt care if he earnt all the money io think 100 is very selfish did he at least bring you soem greasy food home as a geasture Smile

My hubby doesn't have a problem with gambling but he tends to be occasionally compulsive when he has had a few. When we went to vegas Grin i stole his bank card and hid it in my pillow when i went to bed and he still wanted to stay up at 2am. Was i treating him like a child yes but it probably saved us a fair bit of money!

Take the card fuck it Grin

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2011 19:46

He's acting like a student without responsibilities.

Do you think it's an ingrained part of his personality?

If it is no amount of talking/worrying will change that.

If it is would you still choose to be a part of his life?

TubbyDuffs · 19/03/2011 19:46

In future, send him out with the agreed amount of cash and no cards!

YANBU

4FoxAche · 19/03/2011 19:49

I can easily spend £100 on a night out. It's not that hard really.

BUT, you had agreed on £50 and he should have stuck to that. I wouldn't go as far as taking the bank cards off him but sit down, explain why your so upset and tell him next time, the bank cards will have to be given to you.

littlesez · 19/03/2011 19:54

sorry my spelling is shocking!

littlesez · 19/03/2011 19:57

I could spend £100 on a night out when i was single but not now I wouldnt feel right pissing £100 up the wall.

well said agent zigzag

risingstar · 19/03/2011 20:00

has he been utterly trustworthy since you discovered the gambling problem?

do you have online access to bank accounts so you can check the account daily to keep an eye on the balance?

if so, i think that while yanbu to be unhappy with him, taking his bank cards off of him is unfair.

TotemPole · 19/03/2011 20:04

Me and ds are going to see my family in amsterdam in 2 weeks and i'm afraid there might not be any money left for our trip.

Longer term, you need to reorganise your bank accounts. Have one for household bills, agree on how much each should put in a month.

Then keep your spending money separate, so if he spends all his nights out allowance on one night that's his problem and it won't affect what you have to spend/save for your treats.

BTW, I used to spend £100 easily on a night out, that would include a meal, followed by a club and taxis. I couldn't do it now though.

thisisyesterday · 19/03/2011 20:29

no no no no no no no!!!!

if he takes cash out and then borrows more of friends that's HIS problem.
you shouldn't be paying friends back.

he's acting like a child, and you're letting him.
next time he borrows money DON'T you go paying it back

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2011 20:38

That's the thing with treating him like a child thisis, it just gives him licence to act like one.

If the OP assumes responsibility for his spending habits, he sounds like he'll just let her
and take no blame for his actions himself.

bringonthegoat · 19/03/2011 20:41

YWBU to 'take' the cards. If the issue was gambling and you believe he hasn't gambled then this is a seperate issue. Are you still angry with him for lying about gambling in past maybe?

I think overspending on a night out is fairly common. As you have different attitudes to money, seperate accounts is the ONLY way forward. Put you and DS first ALWAYS!

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