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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not lend my car to this person?

36 replies

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:01

A relative of mine wants to borrow my car for several (as yet unspecified) days. She would want me to drive to her flat first thing in the morning, and leave the car there and walk to work from hers (closer than mine, but still a good 20-25 minute walk). I would then have to do the walk again in the evening to pick the car up and go home. She also wants it overnight in the Summer to take her DD on a trip somewhere in the holidays. She thinks I will just say yes because when I was learning to drive, she helped me out with private lessons.

The reasons I do not want to lend her the car are firstly the inconvienience of the time added onto my day. It's not only the additional 40-50 minutes of walking a day, it's that traffic is horrendous from her house to mine during rush hour and could add another half hour onto the drive. Insignificant to some perhaps, but not to me. Secondly, while she would be insured correctly on my car, I have found out that she drove without insurance or a valid licence for many years with her own car, and it makes me skittish about her driving mine if she was willing to be what I think is reckless. Maybe I'm being pedantic, but I wouldn't have taken lessons from her if I knew she was willing to do that (although she was insured on my car and used it at the time even when I wasn't having lessons). Thirdly, she has questionable personal hygiene at times and I don't want my car smelling horrible when I have to get back in it. She would probably smoke in there, as well as have her dog in the car (I'm a dog owner/lover, but he wees everywhere, and I don't want to smell that either!). I also suspect that she would not put petrol in the car, so this would end up costing me a lot.

So am I being unreasonable to say no to her using the car? I know she's going to be very annoyed with me if I say no, but all things considered, it's just going to be a massive headache for me. The overnight is a definite no btw. She doesn't work so can't afford her own car.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2011 13:03

err no I can't believe she even thinks this is reasonable
Although I do wonder what personal hygiene issues you are worried about (apart from smoking, obviously)

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:03

Don't want to be accused of AIBU by stealth, so just to be clear, she used the car extensively without me in it while I was learning. She gave me a lesson perhaps once every couple of weeks, it wasn't frequent, though I was obviously grateful for the help.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:03

SPB, she doesn't wash her clothes very often and there are BO issues.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2011 13:03

She used your car while you were learning to drive?

feeblephoebe · 19/03/2011 13:04

why doesnt she just hire a car for a day

AMumInScotland · 19/03/2011 13:05

Of course YANBU! Why on earth should you have to walk 40 mins plus every day in order to lend her your car, when it isn't even an emergency? Just say No. When she gave you lessons, you let her use your car - that was different, it was "something for something", now she just wants something for nothing!

expatinscotland · 19/03/2011 13:06

Tell her no then.

Too bad if she's annoyed. She can go get a job then if she wants a car.

MaisyMooCow · 19/03/2011 13:06

Just because she was kind enough to help you out with private lessons doesn't mean you owe her anything.

If you do decide to lend her your car you have to lay down some specific rules about not smoking in the car, NO pets etc. You will also have to be in agreement regarding petrol costs. There's also the car maintenance to consider and what if something goes wrong while she's driving it, will she be liable to get it fixed?

And, considering her history of driving with no insurance I'd want to see her current insurance certificate!!!

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2011 13:06

Exactly, the answer is "No, sorry, I need my car to get to work"

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:07

Yes. It was/is my car, but while I was at work, she used it some days. I think she expects the arrangement to continue even though I have long since passed and have a different work location which makes things more difficult.

She wouldn't be able to afford the hire fee, and it is multiple occasions she wants to do this.

Thank you for replies. :)

OP posts:
strandedpolarbear · 19/03/2011 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2011 13:08

Don't apologise.

Just, 'No, I need the car for work.'

End of discussion.

Keep repeating it no matter what she says.

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:08

Oh, I really did think I'd get a tonne of YABU replies!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 19/03/2011 13:09

YANBU You need the car.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2011 13:09

Tell her your insurance doesn't allow third-party drivers and you can't afford to put her on.

End of.

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:14

Good idea expat. :)

I don't want to be harsh with her, it's just not at all practical for me to help her this time.

I really appreciate all the responses. :)

OP posts:
penguin73 · 19/03/2011 13:17

YANBU, if you are thinking that you need to 'repay' her in some way for the driving lessons I think letting her use the car then was more than generous. If it was a one-off emergency then it might be understandable but she is being unreasonable to expect you to make your daily commute so much longer and cause you so much inconvenience. The only possible alternative would be for her to do the walk to your work to collect the car and drop it back off again but I would refuse anyway for the other reasons you give.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/03/2011 13:21

Absolutely no way, not a hope. She's got a cheek, I'll say that. If I'd known it was that easy I'd give up my car and use my brother's. He's near enough and I wouldn't have to pay any upkeep, tax, insurance, petrol etc. Fantastic arrangement. Your relative is bonkers.

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:21

Penguin, I may have thought harder about how to make this work if she was willing to collect the car from me, but she has made it clear from various conversations that she wants me to drop it off to hers. Apparently, it's because of taking her DD to school. You're right about the repaying bit, that's exactly what it feels like. But I can't owe her for it forever, can I? I just know if/when I say no, she will be thinking or saying that I wouldn't be able to drive the car myself if it wasn't for her. And that's not even true because I had other lessons (professional, and from a friend). I just know she's going to try putting a massive guilt trip on me.

OP posts:
picmaestress · 19/03/2011 13:24

YANBU. Ignore the guilt trip, its ridiculous to expect you to drop your car off to her. Bonkers.

AMumInScotland · 19/03/2011 13:31

If she says anything about you "owing" her, just remind her quite clearly that she had the use of the car during the day for many weeks (months?) while you were learning and that you feel you are "even" because of it. What's the worst that can happen? She takes the huff? - so what. She tells other people you're being unreasonable by not lending her it? - I'll bet all her friends and relatives know just what she's like and won't take it seriously. You'll be embarassed? Well, yes, probably because you're a nice person. But she's not being a nice person and you don't owe a user like that anything at all. And you'll feel bad if you behave like a doormat and let her take it. So either way you're probably going to feel uncomfortable - you might as well feel uncomfortable by standing up for yourself!

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 13:39

You're right, AMum, they do know what she's like, at least as far as the family goes. Even her siblings wouldn't be surprised about this. We don't have the same friends (apart from a couple whom neither of us are that close to), so I'm not sure how they'd react, but I don't think I'm too bothered about that tbh. I don't want to upset her, but I can't viably do this.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 19/03/2011 13:44

That's the trouble - you're nice, and you don't want to upset her. Bet she wouldn't hesitate to upset you! Just take a deep breath and say "No" or "No I need it for work" or "No that's not convenient" and stick to it like a broken record. It gets easier with practice.

AllGoodNamesGone · 19/03/2011 13:48

I agree with everyone else! Say No now. She may well be offended and huffy but if you start letting her use it, she'll expect to continue using it and then it'll be all the harder for you to back out.

Give as little explanation as possible as people like this always find "ways around" things.

Just say you need it for work and, having made the effort to learn to drive and buy a car, are not prepared to walk.

You've already more than repaid her for the lessons by letting her use the car at the time.

I agree with amuminscotland that whatever you do, you are going to end up feeling bad one way or another so may as well get the outcome you want at the end of it.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 19/03/2011 13:52

She seems to have a massive sense of entitlement!

Tell her to buy her own car!

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