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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my father to help towards my wedding

34 replies

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/03/2011 02:32

it is really pissing me off.

it seems like i am the black sheep of the family, i have worked very hard to be in the position i am now, my sister has alays been on benifits and when she decided to get married my father paid over £1000 towards the wedding.

so far i have paid every thing myself, but it would be nice if my father offered to pay for something

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/03/2011 02:33

also to add he has said he will not be helping out

OP posts:

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 19/03/2011 02:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/03/2011 02:43

its just feels like no matter what i do my parents don't care.

it is not about the money

OP posts:

Saltatrix · 19/03/2011 02:53

It could be because they view you as someone who can support themselves. You have always been a hard worker and doing things for yourself, I am just guessing here but because your sister has always been on benefits they might view her as the one who needs help and added support and they don't know that it is effecting you.

As always my advice is to speak to your parents about how you feel, communication is always key to a successful relationship whether that be with a love interest or a family one.

kitbit · 19/03/2011 07:25

As you said, it's not about the money. The money is just a symbol.
Taking this at face value no, you shouldn't 'expect' help from anyone as this makes you seem a bit spoiled and entitled. However if you want to tackle it I'd talk to your father about fairness because that's what this is about. Don't mention the money.

wendylovesbob · 19/03/2011 07:29

Is he helping in other ways, not financially?

plopplopquack · 19/03/2011 08:53

What did he say when he said he wasn't going to be helping out? Did he give a reason? In my experience parents usually help out the most useless child.

HecateTheCrone · 19/03/2011 09:20

Ok, well, hes not giving you money because you don't need it.

What is he doing that shows you that he loves you? you don't have to be given money to be shown that someone cares.

Is he helping out with other things? does he spend time with you? is he interested in your life? can you confide in him?

risingstar · 19/03/2011 10:20

you should maybe say something.

i always worked really hard and never asked or expected a penny. i found the lack of financial fairness really hard looking back- my parents paid for my brother to learn to drive (but not me)- i ended up in real financial hardship from paying to learn to drive because i needed to drive for my job. i left home at 19 and struggled to pay rent and try to buy a house- brother stayed at home until 26 when my parents gave him the money for a deposit on a flat. my parents couldnt spend any money on my wedding- sister had a big one.

however, i have gently pointed this out recently and to be fair, when i recently roeally needed some help, my mum came up trumps and helped me out at the point that i really needed it most. on the basis that i had never asked for anything before.

UndiscoveredApprentice · 19/03/2011 10:44

You are unreasonable to expect it, but not at all unreasonable to be disappointed.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 19/03/2011 10:54

I am marking my place at your roasting. People seem to get irrate at the thought of expecting anything from parents and PIL on here.

Personally, I think YANBU. A wedding is meant to be a joyous family occaision, anx I would expect loving parents to make a token gesture of support - even if they did not believe it was financially necessary. E.g. My sister anf I both paid fir each other's bouquets, just because really...

Good luck with the wedding planning, don't let family niggles spoil it for you. If he's not contributing then at least he'll have no say in your choices or the dreaded guestlist.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/03/2011 11:06

YANBU. Parents should be fair when it comes to supporting their children. That doesn't mean treating them exactly the same - at different times people will have different needs. But, it does mean not giving everything to one child and nothing to another. It means making a gesture of support, even if you don't need it financially, just because it is nice to contribute. Or if they can't contribute financially, they could help you with tasks that need doing for your wedding. These things would show you that you are loved and cared for.

I think that you are a parent forever, and should want to help out your DC if you can, even when they are grown and capable of doing everything themselves.

blackeyedsusan · 19/03/2011 11:13

Ouch. it's not the fact that he is not paying, but that he paid for your sister and not for you. did he say more than he would not be helping out? An explnation of his thinking may help.

Original poster

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/03/2011 11:23

i asked him if he wanted to help towards the wedding and he said no, you got enough money.

OP posts:

eviscerateyourmemory · 19/03/2011 11:36

Could he have been annoyed that you asked him?
Is he the kind of person who would have preferred to volunteer to give something freely, rather than feel that there was an expectation?

JaneS · 19/03/2011 11:42

That's a pretty rotten response from him, I have to say - are you sure he knew you weren't just asking for money? Maybe if you asked him again and talked about the traditional father/daughter stuff (speech, dances, etc) he'd get more into it?

Just specifically re. the money, I can see it feels bad that you're being treated differently, but in a way it's a blessing. If your parents chip in, they'll always feel they've a right to have a say in how you do things, and they may remind you of it quite a lot - not saying all parents are like this but I think a lot are, and you sound as if you could do without it.

Can you just plan a lovely day and focus on sorting out the stuff that will make it really special for you and your DH-to-be, and your friends? Your dad may come around and realize he's upsetting you by not making more of an effort, but meantime, you could concentrate on things you know will make you really happy on the day.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrom · 19/03/2011 11:46

Your sister was in benefits, I suppose she needed money, your parents saw that need and decided to step in.

You re working, seem to be in a good position and are financially independent, I suppose you don't really need the money, your parents saw you are ok, therefore no need to intervene?

ReindeerBollocks · 19/03/2011 11:49

I've had this. I didn't expect any help towards my wedding - but I was aware that my sisters had financial help towards theirs.

On one hand it was nice to know my parents thought I was self sufficient enough to pay for it, but it also felt like I was cared less about, and I can sense that you feel the same way Annie.

The same parent also did alot to help my sisters with planning, but did nothing to help me.

I would suggest planning it your own way, it may also mean you don't have to invite long lost family members who your parents may have insisted on coming had they been paying.

Maelstrom · 19/03/2011 11:50

"I would suggest planning it your own way, it may also mean you don't have to invite long lost family members who your parents may have insisted on coming had they been paying."

Oh yes, that's the main benefit of not getting parental help. Not having to deal with scores of invitees you hardly recognise.

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 11:51

I don't think your dad is being unreasonable in what he's saying, but how he's said it is quite harsh. You probably don't need the money like your sister does/did, so he's right in that respect. But having contributed to her wedding, he should have offered something for yours, even if he felt that financial help wasn't appropriate. His time would've been more than enough. Perhaps you asking wasn't the right thing to do though.

babyapplejack · 19/03/2011 11:58

Maelstrom - I disagree with your point about the OP's sister "needing" £1000 help towards her wedding. Nobody "needs" a wedding like that - you can do it at the reg office for a small fee.

OP - YANBU. Is you father interested in your life? Perhaps he is jealous of you.

gorionine · 19/03/2011 11:59

I think YAB a bit U. Maybe at the time he helped your sister he could afford it but cannot afford it now.

Also, I am a firm believer that one should have the wedding they can afford. It os going to sound teribly cliche, but what matters when you get married is the committment you are going to make to each other, not all the flaff about.

TBH if you had asked me for "help towards the wedding" I would have assumed you meant money as well. Would be different if asking for help organising the wedding.

I have a Dbro who is a bit of an artist and has very little to his name (lost his proper jod a while ago and very specialised so has not found the same thing back but does a lot of little jobs that pay nearly
nothing), my parents do help him from time to time and I think it is really nice of them to do so. My brother never asks for anything they just decide to help because they can see a need. My Dsis and miself have never needed anything, even thogh neither of us is rich we have always been able to afford basic stuff. Dbro cannot aford basic stuff sometimes and it would be reedy of me and Dsis to asks for the same helps he get because

we do not NEED it
parents often are not made of money

"I think that you are a parent forever, and should want to help out your DC if you can, even when they are grown and capable of doing everything themselves."

Why? I do absolutely understand the helping a grown up child who need it but is there never a moment where parents can relax a bit when they see their children settled?

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrom · 19/03/2011 12:23

""I think that you are a parent forever, and should want to help out your DC if you can, even when they are grown and capable of doing everything themselves.""

I don't agree with that philosophy, I think that providing help when it is not really needed is worse for the children. It hinders their ability to become/continue to be self reliant.

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