to expect my father to help towards my wedding

[AuntiePickleBottom]

it is really pissing me off.

it seems like i am the black sheep of the family, i have worked very hard to be in the position i am now, my sister has alays been on benifits and when she decided to get married my father paid over £1000 towards the wedding.

so far i have paid every thing myself, but it would be nice if my father offered to pay for something

Has he ever given you any money ?

gorionine, why wouldn't I want to help my children out if I can? Obviously if they have lots of money, there is no value in me giving them more, when they don't need it. But if my help can prevent them from struggling or just make life a bit smoother for them, then I would want to do that.

My mum and dad still help me out with things (not money because they don't have much), but bits of DIY, advice, babysitting etc. They do the same for my brothers and sister. I could do these things myself, but their help makes life easier. By the same token, I do things to help my parents too. That to me is what family is about.

I don't feel the need to have a rest from it when my children become adults.

It is different In my opinion if you want to do it on your own accord, I would never tell anyone not to help their children if they have a desire to do so. Helping around with time and effort is not the same thing though. I thing that is what families are for, being there for each other and that has to go for children towards their parents as well as parents towards their children.

OP on the other hand appears to think she is "owed" help because her less fortunate sister got some. This to me means that also she has reasonable amounts of money she feels entitled. I do not happen to think that independent grown up children are entitled anything. If they get help fair enough but I find "entitlement" a not so nice trait of character.

Sorry OP I do realise I do not sound very sympathetic.

"I do loathe it when parents treat their children differently."

I treat my 4 children differently because they do happen to be different, like different things and need different things.

Adversecamber, do you think that if you had been in your sisters position yourself they would not have helped you just because it is you? That would be very sad indeed but as you say, it is better to be glad you you have always managed everything on your own. It is not necessarely a more enviable place to be pitied by your parents (refering to them calling her "poor C" most of the time)

I think you have to be fair to your children- but fair over a lifetime, not exactly moment by moment or item by item. I had a lot of help with my studies. My younger brother has had help with babysitting. I didn't need the babysitting and he didn't need the financial help- but we could both have ruined our relationship by getting upset about the things the other person got that we didn't.

The important thing here is- do you feel less loved in general? If so, then it's bound to hurt. Just be careful you don't make hurts for yourself out of things that didn't need to be hurtful.

And as others have said, there are drawbacks to help at weddings. My mum paid for my wedding- and it was very much her party, not mine. I still had a lovely day and so did dh, but that was because we accepted the deal and settled down to enjoy it. If we hadn't, I could imagine it being quite miserable.

YANBU
Of course nobody should expect money from their parents and you didn't.

But unfortunately some parents will constantly help the child who seems to "need" it most.

However, IME if this is an ongoing issue (which it sounds like it is) the child who gets lots of help rarely makes anything of their lives. I think sometimes being the child who doesn't get the help can make you stronger and more likely to do well for yourself.

So just try and hold on to the fact that at the end of the day, you have done much better in life than your sibling.

YABU to ask for money, its wrong and grasping.

However YANbU to want to be treated the same. Children should be treated the same regardless of age.

A wedding is about exchanging vows and making a commitment, its can be done easily for very little so not sure why your sister needed a £1000 towards it. However you should be given the same as your sister.

However if your sister is on benefits as physically unable to work in any capacity I could see why your parents may assist more financially but then again presume at least her husband can work.

I dont think i'd assist with DS's wedding as I want him to work for the nice things in life and its a lot of money for what is essential a party and decorations. Helping with uni costs or a house deposit is different though and I will do that if able.