Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

or over-sensitive

43 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 16:30

dd is 3 and has been with cm for 2 years. She has been very happy there and one thing I like is that her day includes doing things she would do if I were home with her. Alongside cooking, play doh and painting etc, cm takes her shopping (not full shop) and to the dentist or dr if cm's child has to go etc. That is all fine.

However, yesterday, dd was at preschool and cm picked her up at 12pm and had her until 5pm. When I collected dd cm said that she'd taken dd to the crematorium to lay some flowers on a bench.

Now dd clearly isn't traumatised and thinks they went to a garden with pretty flowers, but I still think it's a bit off. But I'm pg so may be over-sensitive about it.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/03/2011 16:31

You now wont have to buy a hamster to teach her about death. YANBU but since DD wasnt sad, neither was the CM BU.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/03/2011 16:32

It sounds like a lovely jaunt to me.

What are you sensitive about? If the cm was all upset or deeply grieving I doubt she'd have taken her there.

Trifle · 18/03/2011 16:32

No I think it's ok, she's too young to understand. At least she was out in the fresh air.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 18/03/2011 16:33

YABU. Your DD isn't old enough to understand where they went and it doesn't sound as though it was traumatic for her

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 16:37

I just don't think it's the kind of place you take someone else's kid to (especially when being paid). If I'd chosen to take her then I'm her mum so I think that's fine. Yes dd wasn't affected but she's very inquisitive so cm didn't know that she wouldn't ask awkward questions.

OP posts:

beesimo · 18/03/2011 16:38

Idon't think you are being unreasonable I would be very annoyed indeed about this. CM must of know what her attentions were as it is obviously a act of remembrance for CM. CM should of discussed it with you beforehand and asked permission to take child. Introducing children to the subject of death needs to be as carefully handled as the birds and bees talk it is the Mams/Fathers place not the CM. I think a line has been crossed here.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 16:39

If it was taking flowers for remembrance.. not a funeral or a cremation. YABU.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 16:40

For anyone who thinks this was unreasonable, do you never walk past graveyards or cemetaries with your children?

southmum · 18/03/2011 16:44

YABU your DD would have had no idea what was going on, just that there were some lovely flowers around and a building of some description.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 16:45

You did make a point of asking the CM to take your DD to things people would do in everyday life.

Sad as it is, this does include remembering those who have died.

Like squeaky said, it's not as though she was taking her to a funeral.

I don't think she should have had to ask your permission, especially as the CM didn't say why they were there.

cat64 · 18/03/2011 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fedupofnamechanging · 18/03/2011 16:51

I think you are BU. You've selected a CM service, because you want your child to have more of a home/family environment. A CM chooses this particular kind of childcare job so they can continue to do their own thing during the day, as well as look after and help educate the children in their care.

You CM included your child in an activity that she does as part of her family life. Your child was not upset. You have trusted this woman to look after your child, to get to know her and behave accordingly and that is what she has done.

If your family had recently lost someone and your DD was upset, then I can see it would be a bad idea and in those circumstances your Cm would probably have behaved differently, but I presume that isn't the case.

Think you are overreacting tbh. You need to trust your CM a bit more, to know and care for your child appropriately.

Skinit · 18/03/2011 16:52

It's fine. Death is there and children are in my experience very accepting and matter of fact about graves etc.

exoticfruits · 18/03/2011 16:53

As DD wasn't aware of anything, other than a pleasant trip out, I don't see the problem.

NadiaWadia · 18/03/2011 16:53

YABU. Why is death such a big taboo - it's silly. Maybe its a good thing if children can become aware gradually of this aspect of life - then not such a big shock as when it's a family member or beloved pet. Doesn't sound like your DD was bothered at all anyway.

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 16:55

Not sure visiting a grave is something people do in everyday life with young kids - my sister died when we were young and I didn't go with my parents to the grave until I was 14 and asked to see it. Maybe that's my family.

OP posts:

PortBlackSandwitch · 18/03/2011 17:03

ooh heck - my DSs have been round more graveyards than have had hot dinners. Everytime we visit a new place i like to go to the 'dead centre' and take pics - or to ancient burial sites too - Dss know what they are...and they've been to their great grandparents funerals (3 in all).

i don't think they're messed up....

Am i missing something? Rememberance is an important part of life.

cat64 · 18/03/2011 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Quenelle · 18/03/2011 17:11

YABOversensitive. Taking DD to a funeral might raise awkward questions that you'd prefer to answer yourself but laying flowers in remembrance sounds harmless, quite nice actually.

lazarusb · 18/03/2011 17:13

Are you annoyed because she didn't ask you first? If so, tell her but I wouldn't have a problem with this personally.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 17:14

I don't know whether you're the same OP, but when I was pregnant and worrying about the baby being OK, it did make me a bit 'death avoidant', if that makes sense?

I was definately more sensitive to anything about death or illness.

Is it possible something similar has sparked you feeling like you do?

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 17:15

Okay, fair enough. Still wouldn't do it if I was a cm caring for other people's kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 17:19

I think I would have liked to know first and she only said "I explained as best I could..." I maybe should have pushed more to find out what she told dd as I have no idea - but it seemed a sensitive issue so I didn't like to.

I didn't come home appalled or anything, just a bit baffled as to how to feel - usually they go to the park/library etc.

OP posts:

Ormirian · 18/03/2011 17:19

Yes YABU. It's hardly as if she took her to a funeral service just a cemetery to leave some flowers.

beesimo · 18/03/2011 17:39

OP the question I would ask you to ask yourself is if the situation were reversed would you of taken someone elses child to lay flowers on a memorial bench that belong to your loved one without asking the childs Ms permission. My answer would be no if your answer is no as well then CM has crossed your comfort line and you may need to set some new boundaries with her. If the answer is yes then you should probably just forget about it. Your answer is within yourself

Flip

1 2