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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or over-sensitive

43 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 16:30

dd is 3 and has been with cm for 2 years. She has been very happy there and one thing I like is that her day includes doing things she would do if I were home with her. Alongside cooking, play doh and painting etc, cm takes her shopping (not full shop) and to the dentist or dr if cm's child has to go etc. That is all fine.

However, yesterday, dd was at preschool and cm picked her up at 12pm and had her until 5pm. When I collected dd cm said that she'd taken dd to the crematorium to lay some flowers on a bench.

Now dd clearly isn't traumatised and thinks they went to a garden with pretty flowers, but I still think it's a bit off. But I'm pg so may be over-sensitive about it.

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 18/03/2011 18:15

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LostInSockLand · 18/03/2011 18:34

I dont think I would mind. I've never known my kids to get upset about graveyards/crems. In fact, i'd rather they think of them as a nice peaceful place for resting than something unknown and scary. They know people die after all. Seeing the grave of someone unknown to them has no effect on their emotions whatsoever. (I'm sure I have some vague recollection of going on primary trips to do "grave rubbings" too when I was small?)

I think she should have probably have asked you first though just to be sure.

valiumredhead · 18/03/2011 18:57

YAB SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO U!

Even when I was a full time Nanny, there was a funeral I had to attend and it was hard to get someone to look after my charge. My employers made it clear that if it turned out to be difficult I could just take their ds along to the funeral with me, he was about 2yrs at the time. I know not everyone would want that but death is part of the circle of life etc etc. Your child is 3 and was out in the lovely fresh air and I doubt even knew what was going on, and even if she did it's nice thing to lay flowers for a loved one.

I remember grave rubbings too! Grin

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 18/03/2011 19:54

I've accepted I'm being oversensitive and a bit u but "SOOOOOOO U!"? How am I being that unreasonable? I haven'ty said anything to CM about it at all and just said I thought it was a bit off that she took dd there. If I'd yelled at CM and told her never to go near dd again then that would be sooooo U but I haven't done that at all. I'm not really planning to say anything anyway as I feel it's not likely to be a weekly occurrance.

beesimo - as I said in a previous post - clearly I'm pretty much on my own here and it's not u but I still wouldn't do it if I was caring for someone elses child. I just think it has huge potential to spark deep conversations and I haven't discussed our beliefs with cm in that much detail.

My main concern is what cm said to her as I said before - cm said she'd "explained as best she could"

OP posts:
beesimo · 18/03/2011 20:10

OP never forget however good a CM she is you are the Mam and she should act according to your wishes, she is not doing you a favour looking after DD she is a employee. My SIL has a nanny who is paid well and treated well but every evening they have a brief chat over next days plans and she fills in a day diary as to what her and the bairns have done. This needs nipping in the bud you shouldn't let CM go off piste.

cat64 · 18/03/2011 20:16

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exoticfruits · 18/03/2011 21:33

I agree with cat64 and you need to trust. It isn't a very good relationship if you have to go over daily plans.I think that spontaneity is important with any sort of childcare and if I were a nanny or CM I wouldn't like to work for anyone who wants a straight-jacket of a plan. A broad outline is OK, but it is much better for the DC, to be flexible and able to change.

exoticfruits · 18/03/2011 21:35

If I was a CM I would most definitely want to go 'off piste' it would be one of the advantages of the job-so if anyone wanted to 'nip it in the bud' I would ask them to find another CM.

NadiaWadia · 18/03/2011 22:35

The cm is not an employee. She is a business providing a service. Of course if you feel that service is not suitable you are free to go elsewhere, but this cm sounds good to me, and I'd hang on to her.

LoveLeonardCohen · 18/03/2011 22:55

Why did the CM take DD to a cemetary?

kazmus · 18/03/2011 23:07

perhaps you'd have been happier being told that as cm was going through an emotional day remembering someone close to her that she has lost you would have to find another child care facility for that day, or would this have annoyed you too? Did you bother to ask if your cm was ok, or do your paid helpers not have feelings. Sorry, but as someone who has a need at present to visit a grave I find your attitude very unfeeling.

exoticfruits · 19/03/2011 07:34

I think that it is a shame that death seems to be one of the few taboo subjects left. DCs don't have a problem with it, it is the adults that have the problem. Not that your DC seems aware anyway.

valiumredhead · 19/03/2011 10:54

OP kazmuz and exoticfruits say in their posts why I think you are being unreasonable.

I wasn't having a go at you, you asked if you thought you were being unreasonable and I posted that I think you are being more than unreasonable.

By your own admission you think you might be over sensitive at the moment - I think you can safely say that you are Wink

peeriebear · 19/03/2011 11:01

I don't see a problem with it myself. Our local cemetery is beautiful, full of wild flowers, huge mature trees, squirrels and woodpeckers. I used to walk that way to my mum's old house every week and DD loved it in there. She knew what the place was for and it was never made a big deal about.

cory · 19/03/2011 14:34

I think basically that this is an area where you have to accept that your sensitivities are slightly different so you would need to drop a hint if you want to avoid the CM making an innocent mistake

a bit like the time I bought a dinosaur book for a friend's ds without realising they were creationists

obviously it would have been a bit of a gaffe to have taken that particular child to the natural history museum and taken him through evolution (presumably a subject these particular parents would want to tackle themselves for the first one)- but one I could easily have made because to me, dinosaurs are not a sensitive subject

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2011 14:36

" dinosaurs are not a sensitive subject"

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 14:45

YADBU, but I do understand why it made you prickle a bit. It is a good thing that your DD learns death as a reality and a part of life and if it can be introduced gently and kindly like this, that's probably a good thing.

You CM sounds wonderful. :)

Grin at the dinosaurs!

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 14:46

You Your, is what I meant!

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