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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

StrawPollPlease...better for separated parents to share residency 50/50 rather than spend all school week with one and w/e with other?

32 replies

ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:29

Dc going to secondary school. Got into a great school near me. ExP wants dc to go to school near him, and to have him all school week. Is now saying he won't do 50/50 but I have to have dc all school week, and he gets w/e. ExP has no PR, but has dc 4 days of school week at moment. (school near him)

OP posts:
Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:33

bump!

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strandedpolarbear · 18/03/2011 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 15:35

I would say it was better for any child to be at home in the same place all week while at school.

Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:36

I think its best for dc to have both parents fully involved in his life. He is now big enough for that to be more practical, and plus I dn't want him to lose the close relationship he has with ExP . I already take dc on bus to school two days a week, so I can't see why ExP can't do it the other way around.

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Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:37

He doesn't have PR because despite prompting on my part he has never bothered to apply for it. Now he feels outraged at it.

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Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:42

Plus it means dc would get weekends with both of us, and at secondary we need to be flexible anyway as dc is bound to want to change stuff for social reasons.

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strandedpolarbear · 18/03/2011 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 18/03/2011 15:44

Most importantly, how does your DC feel about it?

Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:48

dc wants very much to be with both of us. Though ExP says he wants to be with me during the week for secondary school.

DC is only 10. He would be happy with whatever we decided to do. He is close to both of us, and I want that to continue.

ExP is cross because he thinks I rigged the secondary school admissions to make sure dc got into school near me rather than him. We were v lucky to get this school . I wish he could see that.

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Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:51

Stranded, in an emergency hospital staff have the discretion to waive parental consent.

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Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 15:54

To be honest, I feel like he is punishing dc because he is cross with me. I work long hours, ExP does not work at all because "you can't work when you have children" Hmm despite the fact I worked for six years as primary carer of dc.

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Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 16:00

I clearly should have made this a sexier AIBU! Sigh!

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timetomove · 18/03/2011 16:03

My neice does 3 days with my brother then 3 days with her mum etc etc. What this means is that it varies from week to week which one she is with on which day of the week, which gets confusing. I think (and more to the point my brother thinks)that it would be better if she was with them both for 3 set days during the week, then alternated the 7th day (or split 3 days -4 days) - DN would then have a bit more routine (eg always with mummy on a Monday after swimming). Unfortunately they cannot agree who has her on which days, so the 3 day on 3 day off arrangement is continuing. Actually, because they live near each other (and near the school) it does not work too badly, but it does get confusing for them all.

Original poster
ThinkImNot · 18/03/2011 16:05

I would be happy with set days, I need to rota for my work anyway. We only live 30 mins away from each other by bus.

I think I should have given this another title, like IABU to think ExP is a knob head for wanting dc to go a shit school near him so he doesn't have to take him on a bus in the morning!

OP posts:
A1980 · 18/03/2011 17:00

Having had some expereince of family law during my training, I often wonder how the parents would cope with a 50/50 arrangement.

How about the child lives in the same house and every other week the parents move to the house to stay with the child. Imagine that sort of disruption every other week and the stress it causes? Well that it what the child goes through.

I think it's best for the child to stay put particularly during a school week.

Nanny0gg · 18/03/2011 17:05

I have no experience of the situation, but I feel that I agree with A1980.
As he moves through the school he's going to need to be settled to get his head around homework and revision.

maypole1 · 18/03/2011 17:09

yes i agree but i would say the 50 /50 arrangement is usually more about the parents wants and needs usually the dad than the childs hay if the child is asking for that then fine

but usually its not its the parent and the thing children need above all elese is sabitlty and you dont get then being brought up two diffrent ways during the week and having two diffrent home just my view

i think all weekends and all hoildays should surfice for the absent parent as its not the amount of time you spend its what you do with it

often its the men who are the astranged parent usually their working so not picking up the child and looking after it any way so it ends up being their mum or new wife with defets the purpous if you ask me

my oh works full time and dosent finsh till gone 6 so if w did split say their is no way he could manage picking up lo 3 days a week at 3

Takeresponsibility · 18/03/2011 17:09

Have read a lot about shared parenting and how to arrange access. Most studies agree that children prefer to have one "base" but two homes. That is they feel at home whether they are with Mum or Dad, but feel more secure and settled when they have one actual home.

Pretty usual at that age, and it seems to work well that parents alternate weekends and NRP has an additional midweek overnight.

I guuess we are talking abut September for starting school, it would be best to get him settled into whatever access routine you agree sooner rather than later, don't leave it until the first week of "big" school - far too much for your lad to cope with all at once.

IthinkIAm · 18/03/2011 17:17

Perhaps I should have made it clear dc already does three nights with me, four with ExP. It just so happens it starts Sat and ends when I take him to school on Tuesday.

I agree he will probably regard my house as base in the future, but no need surely to change a good working arrangement that means we both have lots of time with him?

As it stands, ExP is just saying he does not agree with splitting time in the future because he thinks the bus ride (which he does two days a week already) would be too much for him.

IthinkIAm · 18/03/2011 17:17

Oerggh, weird changed names wrong!

lateatwork · 18/03/2011 17:20

am afraid in my opinion, the best school wins... so YANBU to want DC to go to the school near you (as its better).. but i can imagine that EXP was a bit pissed as he has DC now for the majority of the school week and its a big change for all.

i think it depends on the child and environment at each place (yours and Exps..) but 50/50 can work when the distances are small (so DC can maintain local friendship base etc). 30 mins bus ride I cant imagine being a big deal (depending on whether its one of those speedy busses on a motorway compared with a local stopping every 50 metres bus!!!!)..

IthinkIAm · 18/03/2011 17:24

For me the joke is that I only agreed to dc living with ExP because he is near dc's current school, which I found for him because his SN needs were not being met at all at his old school, the one nearest me! Oh, the irony!

lateatwork · 18/03/2011 17:28

oh just wanted to understand why you think EXP is trying to punish you by his suggested changes?

'To be honest, I feel like he is punishing dc because he is cross with me.'

mmsmum · 18/03/2011 17:30

I think he should live in your home OP during the week as it's closest to the school and he should go to his dads every other weekend and one night during the week (he doesn't have to stay over if travel is too much). Would you be happy never having a weekend, or even a day, to yourself with DC?

IthinkIAm · 18/03/2011 17:34

I think he is trying to punish me because I applied for schools, as parent with PR from my address. There was a huge chance dc would not get into my choice, and we discussed the order of listing our preferences and I put his third (after having put an even harder fab school to get into second). Apparently this means I rigged the application for schools. To no avail have I pointed out that last year 1400 children applied to our first choice and only 190 got in. It was not a sure thing. But it is the best school by a long chalk. If he had got into school near ExP, I would actually have moved, because I can't bear not being his mummy on a day to day basis. Yet I am still willing to continue our current arrangement, albeit slightly more slanted towards me.

I would have him all the time, tbh. But that isnot in his best interests.

I can't beleive that I am actively pushing for him to be substantially in dc's life and his is sulking saying no, you want that school, you do all the grunt work, I;ll take weekends.