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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in telling my friend to move back in with his dad as a carer?

37 replies

knitpicker · 18/03/2011 11:49

The back story is that my friend's mum died two years ago. She was the primary carer for her DH, he is now 86. Since his wife died this man rarely leaves the house, neglects his personal hygiene and doesn't eat properly. He had a fall two weeks ago where he ended up lying naked on his bedroom floor for 12 hours until my friend, worried that he couldn't reach him by phone, called by and found him.
My firend lives alone on the other side of the city. he is in a long distance relationship and has been for about two years. I think he should rent out his house and move in to be there for his dad mornings and evenings. TBH his dad has detoriated steadily recently and I don't think he has long left in this world. Yes, there would be sacrifices involved but I think it's the least he could do. He has 4 other siblings only one of which is in a position to help him and she has told him that 'Dad would want us to live our lives'. I find that attitude quite shocking. AIBU to pressure support him to live with his dad?

OP posts:

Ormirian · 18/03/2011 11:51

I agree with you. It sounds as if it is the best option for the dad and if he won't be around for long it isn't that much of a sacrifice for the sone.

But however right you are you can only encourage not force.

catsmother · 18/03/2011 11:51

You could suggest it but you can't tell anyone that they should become a carer, however upsetting you find the situation. It's really none of your business is it ?

Original poster

knitpicker · 18/03/2011 12:07

Agree it's none of my business however he calls over to vent, confide, ask my opinion and I'm not going to tell him what I know he wants to hear - that his Dad is fine on his own when to me he clearly isn't

OP posts:

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 12:09

YANBU - if he wants your opinion give it to him......after that it's up to him

My BIL is carer for my MIL who at 74 has severe dementia - it aint no picnic and I thank god HE does it

JaneS · 18/03/2011 12:12

Not yours to tell, sorry. You can't possibly know enough to comment.

Mutt · 18/03/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/03/2011 12:15

Couldnt he move into a residential home where he could be properly looked after?

Ephiny · 18/03/2011 12:15

I don't think it's any of your business. I would not want to be a carer for either of my parents.

Shouldn't the father be in some sort of sheltered accommodation or residential home (or having a real carer visit regularly) if he's unable to take care of basic needs like eating and dressing etc?

Lovecat · 18/03/2011 12:23

No way could I be, or will ever be, a carer for either of my parents. It really is none of your business, you have no idea of the family dynamic or what may have gone on before.

If the father needs that much help and the son (or any of the other children) doesn't want to care for him then as Ephiny said, there should be some sort of care on offer via the NHS/SS and/or privately funded by the children/sale of his home.

If a 'friend' of mine were to tell me to drop my life and move in with my father as a carer I would tell her to fuck the fuck off and if she was that bothered to move in there herself. Sorry, but you did ask.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/03/2011 12:25

I think it is a decision that someone can only make for themselves. Your friend might want to get married or have children and their partner may not want to live with his dad and take on the responsibility too.

Not everyone makes a good carer. If you urge him to do this and it all goes wrong, your friend might (however unfairly) blame you for guilting them into it.

You can certainly suggest it, but also tell your friend the other options, such as a live in carer (if there is the money - perhaps all siblings could contribute), support from SS, possibly moving closer to his dad and poping in several times a day etc.

Original poster

knitpicker · 18/03/2011 12:34

Actually I am very familiar with their family dynamic and I think his dad's condition is made a lot worse by loneliness/ depression. lovecat he is a very great friend of mine and he can tell me to f.. off and I won't take offence.
I agree not everyone makes a good carer but on the whole I think people should take care of their parents when at all possible and that is should be as basic an obligation as caring for their children. Maybe controversial but just my opinion - and of course if they require medical attention/ nursing as opposed to caring that is not the same thing at all.

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/03/2011 12:37

I know my dad would hate for any of us to be his carer. Given the choice I think he'd rather die, honestly. But I would never leave him in that state. I'd bully persuade him into getting home help if he couldn't deal with me doing it.

YANBU to think it's a weird attitude to have. Like I say, I know my dad would rather we lived our lives than had to care for him, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna!

BluddyMoFo · 18/03/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

knitpicker · 18/03/2011 12:47

Yes, he has already contacted social services and sorted someone to help with showering/ dressing etc. I just think that his dad needs company and would perk up knowing his son will be home from work/ up for a chat/ watch a little tv and help him to bed (he goes every night at about 8.30pm). They get on well although I think it's fair to say that he was closer to his mother.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 18/03/2011 12:52

It is a very big decision to make. It will possibly have more impact on both their lives than you, or the son, can possibly imagine. You can suggest it, and listen to his reasons why not, but not pressure.

If the son has contacted social services, and he has accepted some help, that is a good step forward. Moving into sheltered housing or a care home might be a good idea, and the father will have a chance of a social life there.

Being a carer for an elderly person is hard and undignified for both parent and adult child.

LaWeasel · 18/03/2011 12:58

It depends entirely on what their family relationship is like.

A used to work for a woman who moved home to be carer for her father, father died now she is stuck as carer for her mother (who could live on her own, but has a very funny mentality and doesn't WANT to look after herself).

She is pretty miserable.

I wish there were more care-homes with good reputations, they can be perfect when the child doesn't feel like they can take on that responsibility.

plantsitter · 18/03/2011 13:02

My dad pretty much ruined his life moving in with his mum to be her carer. I thikn it completely changes the way you feel about the person and is not as straightforward as you seem to think it is.

If you are as close as you say then YANBU to suggest it, but if you are a good friend you will now shut up and let him make his own decision, imho.

BettyCash · 18/03/2011 13:02

Suggest he asks for more help from the NHS, e.g. morning and evening visits. Worked for my GM while she was still able to live alone.

pooka · 18/03/2011 13:05

If he moves back in I'd have thought there was a good chance that the help he gets for mornings and getting to bed would be withdrawn. Leaving him as sole carer.

cheesesarnie · 18/03/2011 13:06

if you live close by,you op your your head in for company.youve no right at all to tell your friend that!
i was a carer for my mil,it was was both physically and mentally draining.now im supporting my dad who has mental health issues.stress isnt the word.i love my dad with all my heart and will do anything for him but id hate for someone to assume that i have to do it just because hes my dad.

FabbyChic · 18/03/2011 13:06

If the father owns his own house, surely it would be better to sell it and the old guy go into a residential home, where he will have company every day with the other residents.

cheesesarnie · 18/03/2011 13:07

the help probably would get withdrawn.that happened to my mil,when my bastard bil got involved.

HKM2B · 18/03/2011 14:49

IMHO I think that your view regarding that "people should take care of their parents when at all possible and that is should be as basic an obligation as caring for their children" is somewhat idealist.

I had no issues with looking after my grandmother as she took great care of me and whilst I would likely do the same for my MIL, would very likely NOT do the same for my mother. Family history (and the fact that I had to live with my grandmother rather than mother from my teens for my own wellbeing) has meant that too much "history" precludes such an option in that case It seems harsh but for my own well being and sanity I couldn't do it, even though I'm now on quite good terms with my mother. Sorry, I digress...

My point is, every situation is different and only those directly impacted can really ascertain whether providing such care/moving in is an option for them and so many variables come into play.

I do think, however, it's perfectly valid for you to share your views with your friend regarding what you would do/suggest (especially if you're so close and he is asking you for opinions). But, as a true friend you should support him 110% whatever decision he decides to make. Life's not straightforward with clear rules that kids should take care of their parents in their old age (in an ideal world, that'd be, well, ideal!), but it's not possible for some for so many different reasons, so please don't pressure him.

And another way you could really provide help would be to visit his father yourself, if at all possible. A few of my friends did this with my gran (not often, but sometimes), and honestly, she loved the variety of conversation that provided.

maxpower · 18/03/2011 14:55

I think YABU to expect your friend to become a carer. As others have said, some people just aren't cut out for it. However, I don't think it WBU to suggest to your firend that he pops round to see his dad after work on a more frequent basis, if that would help.

thx1138 · 18/03/2011 15:08

Have been pondering a vaguely similar situation of my own and have come to the conclusion that it is not my place to say anything. It really is the father's call and of course his son's. What they do is up to them.

I would just say that a Piper Alarm would probably be a good idea for the father so that if he falls again he can summon help - provided he is wearing his "button". That would be a purely practical suggestion to put to them both.

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